Friday, October 7, 2011

procastinating with an empty cereal bowl

so, i started school AGAIN for the 4th or 5th time now on monday.  needless to say, my procrastinating ways, loathe for capital letters, and crazy schedule with audrey have me swamped in week one.  thankfully, my medical assisting program is only 2 years (hopefully less if enough needed credits transfer over from my previous college attempts).  also, i get scrubs (which i look awesome in), and a stethoscope to play with.  i overloaded my schedule though.... 14 credits with MY life right now is NOT a good plan. 
i feel like in a way i am failing audrey.  i feel like im the worst mom ever.  so many other kids her age are being potty trained, know more words, and have less tantrums.  of course i start school when she's in a big part of her development.  of course if i AM home, im distracted by all the medical terminology books and flashcards that need attending to.  my favorite part of the nite is snuggling on the couch with her watching the simpsons or something.  i know she knows i love her and i know that she loves me.  i just wish i could be there for her MORE and not feel so drained.  growing up with a shithole family life, i just want to give her way more than i ever had.  my mom was always tired and out on dates with guys and never spent much time with us.  i don't want that for audrey.  i want her to know her mom is her bff, always there for her, and someone she can rely on and turn to.  and YES she's not even 2 and im acting like she's 15, but....
so, i finished my granola, ate my banana, and have an empty coke can staring at me.  it's time for homework but all i can do is listen to music and want to write .... if i werent at work, i would be at home playing.  the music industry never treated me kindly but i still miss it.  the medical field is a challenge which, as my therapist told me long ago, is something i need.  i sell myself so short on so many levels.  i dont believe in myself as much as i should.  i always want the impossible.  always.  i always want what i cant have.  im always reaching farther than my 5'3" frame allows me the ability to grasp. 
why is that such a bad thing though?  because i am constantly falling down and it hurts.  my body is so scraped and bruised from falling and failing and the misses and lack of hits.  maybe one day.
one day seems to be the anthem of my life.
i turned into a debbie downer again.  at least i have audrey, and a house that i own, and enough to get by, and the start on an amazing journey to a potentially great job.  maybe this is my one day to finish what i've started and be something to be proud of.