Sunday, December 30, 2012

a break from the monotone beat

im not sure what the fuck i've been listening to all night.  this monotonous beat is numbing and i find my body moving at a snail's pace but my mind moving at light speed.

for once, oh for once, it is going to amazingly hopeful and positive places.
(nice break from the dismal reads, eh?)

i walked past my resident's door and im not sure if it was her idea or not, but a note i wrote her for christmas is on her door.... a reminder for her to be aware of what she speaks and to remember to be positive and that she is capable of far more than she knows.  that melted my heart.  and then i checked my little box and found all these positive little notes of encouragement that were left for me by my coworkers and residents.

 words have so much power.  i don't think we really take the time to realize it because we drone on day after day- routines, bullshit smiles and facades, mustering up the energy just to make it to the end when we can collapse into a safety net of cushion or booze.
i don't think many are actually very happy with who they are or what they do.
it's about the rat race, the money, the things and stuff and stuff and things.  it's about knowing and being known.

rarely is any time spent thinking about how we can make someone ELSE's day and that totally shouldn't be the case.  i like spreading smiles and kindness like stds.  (gross analogy but whatever.)

but anyway im just feeling so hopeful.
in just a few days it will be a new year, a clean slate, a fresh start.
a break from the old and in with so many new things.

music is becoming a major priority in my life again.  i feel at home with 6 strings beneath my fingers and sounds coming from the bowels of the past miseries and lessons learned.  im going to shows and making time to hear LOCAL stuff (i heart you mpls).
muay thai gets to happen TWICE a week for me (at least til march) which is amazingly motivating so i can not only get my ass in gear, but also get BETTER at something i really like.
im nearing the end of school!  limited scope license exam for xray  and board exam for certification in medical assisting coming up sooooon.  i graduate in september (3 months later than initially planned cos of a scheduling snafooooo but... the end is in sight!!!)!!!
i hope to move before my externship in july.  i really don't know that i can study with all the homeowner crap going on.
im ready to meet new people and try new things.
im getting rid of some pretty unhealthy habits to better my body as a whole along with training more.
i want to go places and fly kites and create more memories with audrey and maybe find a special friend to make memories with.  but if the latter doesnt happen, i honestly don't give a shit.  i like where my life is right now and where it's going and .... i'll get where i need to be eventually.

i love the journey im on.  i was thinking tonite about some awful mistakes ive made this year (sadly, most were in the form of trusting the opposite gender) but without those mistakes i wouldn't be where i am right now.  i wouldnt have the tenacity and fire and drive that i do.  im determined and set.  im not letting any more people derail me.  no more flaky bullshit fogging my view.  i know where i want to be and nothing is going to stop me from getting there.

for the first time in my life i feel like im right where i need to be... im in the right place at the right time.... and i can't wait to see how this story unfolds.


Saturday, December 29, 2012

oh my bubs...

it is so fun on overnight shifts when i have nothing better to do in an attempt to stay awake than to go thru pics from birth til now of my little lady bubs.

i think back to how many fun times we had together, how many adventures we've been on, how many scary moments we've had, how many smiles and laughs have been shared, and how many times she's fallen asleep in my arms to the sound of me singing to her.

her expressions are PRICELESS and i see so much of myself in her.  i see my faces and expressions and can almost remember what was going on when i snapped the pic (although there are like 10000000000000000000000 pics of my kid on facebook so, i dont remember EVERYthing, just most things).  i like thinking of what makes her smile and what gets her excited and has her just come ALIVE.

i didn't want to be a parent.  she was unexpected.
i don't know what the HELL i would do without her tho.
she has taught me what love really is, what patience is about, and for fucks sake, HOW TO LIVE.

the most freeing moments of my own personal life journey have happened as a result of playing with her.
have you ever rolled down a hill of leaves and just laughed your ass off?
when was the last time you laid on your back in the quiet morning snowfall watching each flake cascade to the ground through the branches of the overhead tree?
how many times have you played pirates on an inflatable pool raft in the living room wearing pirate hats and swinging bubble swords, shooting sharks with a nerf gun, all while speaking in pirate-ese?
do admit the last time you made a marching band and played instruments marching around the house yelling at the top of your lungs.....

it's the little things, those moments that many are too ashamed to have or too busy to have, that i appreciate the most with her and i hope one day she remembers best.

i LOVE my bubs.  LOVE LOVE LOVE that sweet little lady.

sometimes she says the cutest things...
"mommy i like you"
"i like going on adventures with you mommy.  youre fun."
"you funny mama"
"you look so cute"
"im your doctor.  i check your heart"

she loves me.  she loves me.  she loves me.
and that is all the love in the world i couldnt even ask for.
she is the greatest surprise and the most amazing gift i have ever received.
i love that i get to share her with others but i love most of all that she's mine, all mine.

Friday, December 28, 2012

i didn't need this..... or maybe i did?

im slowly realizing at the closing of 2012 that it has probably been one of the worst years i have experienced in a long time.
not to say it didn't have its highs, but it definitely had its larger share of lows.
 
i let far too many people fool me and deceive me and definitely put myself a bit too far on the back burner.... again.

i don't need people to say things they don't mean to see how far they can take me or what they can get from me.
i don't need people using me for sex or an emotional crutch/boost to their ego.
i don't need people keeping me around for convenience.
i don't need people forgetting im a person with feelings too.

yes that has been a resounding theme throughout most of my posts recently.
friend or more than friend i just want someone to be conscious of what they say to me, how they act around me, and just... well, just fucking BE NICE.  BE REAL.

i used to wonder what i was doing wrong.  i used to think maybe i was too much, overwhelming, too nice, too friendly, or hyper puppy status.
but that's me.
i love to love people.
i love to give and smile and make others feel like they are the most important person in the world, even if it's just for a few minutes of our time together.

and that is NO crime at all.

so, 2013 is going to start with a bang.
this little lady is pretty much done giving a fuck.
im done holding out hands that are being used as ashtrays or as a whipping post.
im done taking the fall so others can get up and run.

not to say im done being kind and nice and myself around others.
im just done investing in people that absolutely do not deserve it.

so if you find that i am being more standoffish toward you in the next few days/weeks/months, maybe instead of thinking IM being a bitch or being mean and pms-ing, you should probably analyze your own actions and behavior.

the world would be a much better place if everyone was giving and loving toward one another- familiar faces and strangers alike.  the world would be a much better place if everyone was selfless and kind.  why does it have to take some apocalyptic disaster or worldwide tragedy for us to realize these things?

maybe dear reader, whoever you may or may not be, this is your wake-up call for a new year.  stop being a jackass and be nice.  stop only being thoughtful and kind to those in your inner circle and broaden your horizons to embrace people of different social statuses and groups.  think of the people you're NOT getting to know because youre cold and close minded.  life is not high school, or at least it shouldn't be.  somehow it feels the same though.... being judged on who i know and what they wear and what they do.  fuck that noise.

2013 is a new year.
im vowing it to be drama FREE.
im vowing it to be full of new experiences and new faces.
im putting my foot down to all dipshits and self-righteous buttfucks.
im vowing it to be a year i love so relentlessly and hopefully, and with that love, change a few people for the better.

maybe if a few more people jumped on that bandwagon, the world may be a nicer place to live in.

sorry for being so preachy and potty mouthed.
im just really tired of tacky people.
i mean shit, im gonna be 30.... i thought by NOW people would learn that someone is more than what they wear or who they hang out with or where they hang out.... sadly.... high school has seeped its nonsense into adulthood and im vowing to put my foot down to that as well.

cheers to a new year, new experiences, new people, and a very very very very very NEW life.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

my heart on the string of my sleeve

im a hopeless romantic.
a believer in the bullshit.
a holder of hope for the redeeming twist of fate.

i put up a front that im disgusted by "love" and all it's gushiness.
reality is, i love music and movies from my grandparents' era simply because deep down i love that classic, romantic swagger about it all.
i love the story my grandma told me of how her and my grandpa got together.
how patient he was and how he pursued her even though she was kinda keeping her options open.  (go grams!)

the modern day kelly is a hard exterior with a completely gushy center.
i have to be hard tho.
or at least i think i do.
i have to be strong and tough and put together and on my own.
i have to show A that she can do anything she wants.
i have to prove to myself that i can do it on my own and that i don't need anyone.
that last sentence.... i dont know why.

i think the reality is im not sure i can remember the last time someone was genuinely nice to me.
i cant remember the last time i was paid a genuine compliment without there being some ulterior motive.
i cant.
(by the way these statements apply to the male gender only and not my "bro's.")

maybe im too nice.
maybe im too trusting and too giving and ...
too stupid?
too gullible?

i like to believe there is amazing amounts of good in everyone and repeatedly am bludgeoned over the head with the reality that people are inherently selfish and self serving.
the society we live in is a "gimme now" and "nower" kind of society.
we have everything at our fingertips and are no longer prompted to give and be kind.
we are prompted to get get get and crave more more more and be forever unsatisfied.

i feel like im living in a fantasy... a disney movie of sorts.
i appreciate the little shit.... a picked flower, a sticky note with a few kind words on the bathroom mirror, someone else making dinner and/or cleaning up, random moments of complete sweetness.
i spend my days making sure everyone else is happy and taken care of and feels loved.
i just assume that is all everyone wants - to feel loved and accepted and taken care of....
so why not just do it regardless of reciprocation?

there comes a point though where you spend and spend and give and give and are running kind of low and dry.
you become cracked and a bitter, jaded, cynical little miss.

im at war with my innerds.
i would love to one day have someone there as my partner in crime, my adventure buddy to have dance parties with and listen to records....
i would love one day to have the goofy life that i picture in my head.
the realist in me says to my head and my heart "shut up fool, it's not real."
so im kind of torn.

i want to believe someone can be genuinely nice to me and not for some ass or what little money i do have or to better their own self esteem, but sincerely just because they value me as a human.

maybe one day?

and then i get angry cos i know some pretty terrible females and they are the center of the male world and always liked and admired and i....
im the filler, the in between, the one until better comes along.
and that gets really annoying.
mostly because i realize it a little too late.
red flags and warnings and sirens are going off the entire time and i am completely oblivious because someone is seemingly kind to me.
then when i snap back into  reality and see red flashing lights everywhere, i'm usually burned and it's a little too late.
i have to say i have gotten a little better at putting my foot down and doing the dumpING instead of being the dumpEE though.

it's easy to UNanger at the girls that are always in demand and are always admired.
three simple words making an amazingly empowering sentence that i remember on birthdays and holidays and random days when im alone with my cat and A is asleep.

I HAVE STANDARDS.

i refuse to be used for ass.
i refuse to be walked all over.
i refuse to be forgotten.
i refuse to put up with alcoholism and denial.
i refuse to put up with childish behaviors.
i refuse to put up with someone who has no goals or ambitions or drive.

i know what i want.
and if that means my fairytale reality is going to be put on a complete hold for the rest of my life and all i will be is a being that gives and loves until they are spent completely, then so be it i guess.
i would rather love others than have some bullshit figment of  "love" in return.
i had that.
i don't want it again.

i want something real and genuine and simple.
SIMPLE is key.

im a simple girl with simple pleasures.
im a nerd to the core.
i have the whitest white kid dance moves but will shamelessly flaunt them just because i can.
i would rather smile and laugh than be serious and "adult."
i like to find entertainment in the most mundane situations.
i love making people feel special and happy and important.

so one day....
one day the old school era of men opening doors and doing the pursuing.... the old school era of dancing withOUT grinding all over someone's junk.... the old school era of being simple and honest....
i'll wait for that please.

til then............ hugs for everyone.
i have plenty of amazing people in my life that love me for who i am and appreciate and value all of my quirks and oddities.
for those i am thankful and truly blessed beyond belief.
i have more support than i will ever understand and am not as alone as i would like to sometimes believe.

so i think im ok to have standards and wait.
i've never been much for settling anyway.

Saturday, December 22, 2012

plain

why does that word have to be a connotation for something bland and boring?  plain is a base.  plain is a canvas.  plain is a start.

for some reason i think of myself as plain.
i see myself as unimpressive, not fancy, nothing great or special or extraordinary.

now dear reader, don't think i'm depressed or anything.
im not sitting here with chocolate and booze and a chick flick (although that does sound quite amazing right now).

i just mean that... i don't fit a mold, a design or a model.  i dont fit any social group i have tried to be a part of.  i don't fit anywhere.
not to say i cant or wont, i just dont.

im the plain chip.  im the plain bagel.  im the plain m&m.  (i swear to god i have had food on the brain today so sorry for all the food references.)

the wonderful thing about plain is that it goes with everything. 
(back to food again....)
take a chip.... some things do NOT go with bbq chips or cheddar sour cream and onion chips (drooling right now).  they already have a flavor and an audience to where they belong.

i dont fit in anywhere.
and i like it that way.
maybe because i have the opportunity to fit in anywhere.

im not popular or sought after.
i am not the talk on everyone's lips.
it is rare if i get a text or an email.
i cant remember the last time i got a phone call i didnt somehow instigate.

i dont have a niche or a group or a following or a place that i belong and can call home.
and sadly, i have to say that i kind of like it that way.
i like to be a societal nomad.
i like not knowing where i belong because i dont really want to belong to anyone or anything or anywhere.  i want to belong to everyone and everywhere.

so consider me a plain canvas.
consider the whole world to be a set of paint.
i love the fact that each person that comes into my life is a different color and texture and shape. 

so you see.... plain doesn't need to be seen as dull, boring, or uninspiring.
plain can just be...
a beginning.
a start of something.
an openness to everything.

and my little hippie brain is ok with that.

"we're all lost...." he says

and so i reply "well then some must fake it better than others."

yes, i feel horribly lost.
i am mediocre at best at so MANY things when i want to be great and remembered for ONE thing.
i have all these tiny moments that, ok sure, are fun to revisit and live in from time to time, but i want that one epic moment, that one great fragment of time when i just know im there... when i just know im where im supposed to be for the first time in my whole life.

life is a journey they say.
im tired of wandering aimlessly.
sure i have somewhat of a direction with bubs and school and stuff but....
i feel like im in so many directions all the time all at once that i'm missing something.

i've had some pretty amazing moments recently and i just don't want those to end and maybe that's why im a complete fuck up and clutch them to my chest for dear life hoping they wont go away.

and that is when they do.

and that is when i get back up, sow more seeds, and hope something will bear fruit in the future.  that's all you can do right?  plant, wait, reap?
it's unfortunately a horrible thing for someone with ADHD and a high level of impatience.

maybe some little thing ive done or said 50 years from now will help save a life or change someone's outlook.  you can't downgrade how "small" of an impact you may make because you never know WHO you're impacting.

so impatient kelly, you must wait.

someday hopefully i'll see the footprint i leave in the world.
someday hopefully someone will appreciate my nerdy little self.
someday i can love and be loved in return.
someday hopefully i'll have made a difference in someone's life for good.
someday i will have inspired change.
someday i will have done something great.

impatient kelly.... you must wait.

Friday, December 14, 2012

if we dont die next week...this is for 2013


this year is almost at a close and i have a whole new year ahead of me.
i swore up and down 2012 would be drama free. 
i swore so much would happen and i would be somewhere so different by now.
it's funny how we always think we know best for ourselves and life has another plan.
there's a lot more for us to learn than we think.

i have come across some terrible, heartless, mean, cruel people this year.  i have trusted people that did not deserve my trust or attention or affection and i have come out hurt while they have gotten off without being sorry or a scratch on their skin.

and that sucks.
that has made me so mad sometimes.

but in reality, im not responsible for them.... just me.
and they'll get theirs.

i have learned some really hard lessons but i have also come a long way.
i am a lot stronger than i believe i am.
i can do a lot more than i think.
i really need to believe in myself more.
and i care where others do not.

i may make a huge ass out of myself and put myself out there too much to people that don't deserve it and get used and cheated on and lied to in the long run, but... i'd like to think that im somewhat closer to finding my dorky robot boy and maybe have pointed some things out that people otherwise would not have heard because they only surround themselves with people that coddle and support them and don't challenge them to be a better version of themselves.

i am doing great as a single parent.  yes, i have my bad days and get grumpy and yes, i am tired and pretty worn out but... i'm doing something many cant.  i put my daughter first every day of my life.  everything i do is based around her and what would make her happiest and what would help her be a better person. 

i am doing far better in school than i could have ever imagined.  i need to believe in myself more though and maybe that comes from never ever being encouraged in pretty much anything ever.  i've always been doubted and ignored.  now i see myself drawing blood, assessing cells with microscopes, performing tests and learning about xrays and... this was all stuff i thought i was too stupid for a little over a year ago.  look at me now.  4.0 every quarter.

i have to say i am a bit drained though and maybe that's why i put myself too much out there with the male gender.  in fact, it is quite pathetic but i got audrey, myself, and my roommate each a stocking for christmas.  his is filled, hers is filled, and mine is sad and empty.  audrey has presents under the tree and.... yeah i dunno it's just a little sad.  i don't get why someone wont just be nice back to me.  i like being thoughtful and surprising people and being nice and i just dont understand why so many with a penis can't think with anything other than that.  i mean shit, i am pretty laid back for a female and if i found that santa had left me colored pencils and a notebook id be happy.

J never did holidays or anniversaries or random acts of niceness.  so i guess i just should be used to it by now.  what's another holiday or day gone by?  all this crap this year has done is remind me what i DONT deserve and yes, it's sad i believed and trusted people and all i can do is hope that one day someone will remember that although i am strong and stubborn and independent, im still a girl.  i still just want someone to appreciate the little things and remember i exist.  so maybe one day.

on that note, 2013 has a new plan.  already music and muay thai are taking precedence and i am beyond stoked for my classes even tho i have to drive to blaine twice a week.  i'm getting to the end of some things and hopefully the beginning of some others.  i can only hope for some niceness in the new year.





Monday, December 10, 2012

you think by now id learn

it's really sucky to feel like this.
it's really sucky when you have to face facts and put hope aside.
it's really sucky to see through the beautiful veil of kind words to the real truth provided by actions.

when you barely mean 10 minutes worth of someone's time, it's probably because you mean nothing at all.

harsh reality but reality nonetheless.
time to pick up the pieces again and hibernate.

if all people do is take, at some point you have nothing left.
im pretty bone dry right now.

words words words

i kind of hate them.
(yes, that statement coming from the woman who doesnt know when to shut up or stop typing....)
but i kind of hate them.

and maybe it's because i hate lies.  i hate fibs.  i hate being led along with these crafty little demons only to be abandoned in the dark with no trail to find my way back.

why say something you dont mean?
why say things just to get what you want?
that's disgusting.
i dont tolerate it.

ever since last year i have become more honest than most people would enjoy to be around.
i dont hold things back.
i say what i feel.
i say what i mean.
i say what's on my mind as it pops up.
and i get very frustrated when people cower from the truth or how they really feel.
there's no point to it.
it will come out eventually so why not just spare the nonsense and noise and just be upfront?

i also wish people would back up what they say with proof.
anyone can spew shit out of their mouth.
it's easy and has been done and can be done.
backing up what you say with some evidence however requires a SMALL FRAGMENT OF WORK that most people run from because work = yuck to the human race.
again, i sit here and shake my head because i really just dont understand it.

so my advice to anyone reading...
say only what you mean.
back up what you say with action.
be upfront and honest.
dont hide from truth or feeling.
words are powerful.
words can tear down or build up. words can imprison or free.  words can break or mend, hurt and heal.  be careful what you say and how you say it, but don't hold back out of fear.  you never know how needed some words are to be heard. 

Saturday, December 8, 2012

my one year "soloversary"

i cant believe i forgot about it.
december 3 i believe, last year, my life changed in a very intense way.
i was living a lie.
i was heavy inside.
i was overwhelmed and burdened and a fraction of the person i knew i was and should be.

a stranger.
a person i wanted to be friends with and am currently not, spoke the most truth to me that any friend or foe has ever stated to me in my life.
this person i had met once and talked to three times that had no remote interest in me, set me the straightest.

i was lying to myself and to J.
i was pretending that what was, was ok.
i was pretending that i could endure always being second.
i was pretending that i enjoyed being housewife, and mom, and student, and employee while he just coasted and did as he pleased.
i was pretending that i didnt want flowers and little notes around the house just letting me know i was loved and appreciated.
i was pretending that i enjoyed always being the shadow and never being a person of worth and value.

and i admitted it.

and then i was alone.  as alone as a woman can be with a 2 year old.

i have to say this past year has been so awful and so amazing.
i got broken into again, lost my house insurance because of it, met some amazingly terrible people, and have had all sorts of money troubles.  i have had to take the role of dad and mom.  i have had to weed and learn to trim trees and mow.  i have had to do home repairs and stop basements from flooding.  i had to deal with mice in my house.  i have had to learn to adjust to no sleep and no social life.

but i have to say that the lessons i have learned and the people that have stood by me and supported me and encouraged me and just have been a great example to me have kept me going.  looking at audrey's sweet face and seeing her smile when i let her just be herself or break out of  the rut im in and just act silly with her.... it's enough.  it's enough to help me get through the day and make it to the next.

i have learned so much about being alone.  yes, i have had some awful interactions with men and some pretty shitty experiences this past year.  spending 4 years with someone makes you forget "the game" and you have these newfound expectations that are apparently nonexistant in the world you live in.  what you want seems like a fairytale to others because they havent gotten to the point you are at yourself.

and thats fine.

i can say i love this journey.  i hated it.  some days its so hard and maybe i do hate it.  some days i want someone there to hug and just to laugh with or dance party with or just to take me for a drive to some remote place to just be in silence.  but i dont have that.

im learning a lot about who i am tho and what i do have.
im stronger than i give myself credit for.
im less alone than i think.
i have a very long road ahead of me.

i appreciate the hiccups that have brought me to where i am.
i appreciate all of the people that have lied to me and cheated on me and talked down to me.
without that, i don't think id understand who i am and what im really worth.

so yes, i may be a complete nerd who likes robots and microscopes.
i may have a loud laugh.
i may be quirky.
i may be completely upfront and outspoken.
i do dorky things to show people i care.
i may have odd clothing choices.
i may be the simplest of creatures.
i may be a hippie.
i assume that everyone deserves love and hugs and that life should be simple.
i assume the next time im with someone it wont be an effort and a chore.

i believe that somewhere, in this weird and huge world, there is one friend that is waiting for the same thing that i call reality.... this concept that the person you know you are should be loved and respected for that and not changed to meet some standard or ideal that they have set for themselves.  this concept that youre not a matter of convenience to this other person, but someone they genuinely just want to be around and share experiences with.  this concept that a "relationship" is something you have with family and friends and a special friend and that regardless of the person you have the relationship with that it's all the same... showing love and consideration and thoughtfulness.  that it should really just be simple and easy and effortless.

so maybe that will take some time.
all i know is that this past year has given me a lot to examine and has provided a lot of growth.
J moved on right away and thats his choice and i feel like he is missing out on so much.
i know that i am finding myself again and i like who i am.

so happy soloversary to me.




Friday, December 7, 2012

damned and doomed

i deleted a previous post.  too emo.  too melancholy.  too... wrong.

i am not a psychic.
i can not read minds and see what is going on at all times.
i dont know people like i think i do.
my gut is diseased and leads me to believe things that arent true.
it's in cahoots with my head.
first that stabbing feeling in my gut happens.
then the heart races and it travels ever so quickly to my command center.
from there, the pandoras box of bullshit and garbage just starts escaping like helium balloons being let go of.
just flying away and racing off track and with an ungodly speed.

then i drive somewhere.
then i take a shower.
then do something remotely normal.

then sanity hits.

maybe i don't know the best that life has for me and i am damned and doomed to repeat the same mistakes over and over.  maybe heartache and sadness are just meant to be a part of my life.  or maybe they are just meant for that because i cant seem to ignore the things that have led me down the rabbit hole of nonsense before into a downward spiral of ruining every good thing that crosses my path.

until i learn to let go like winter trees and put the past behind me no matter how bad or good the memory is, i will never be able to move on in life.  i will never be able to enjoy ANYTHING.  ill always be afraid of losing or having or reciprocity.

most people hate their heart and say their heart is what leads them into bad situations with people.  mine is my brain.  it never just shuts up, stays quiet, and lets the rest of me just live.  i am going to miss out on some little nuances if i dont just.... let go.  how many people i drive away or intentionally push away just cos of bullshit everyone else has done to me or because of scenarios that look like a repeat of the past.... HOW DO I REALLY KNOW THO???  life is cyclical.  life is very cyclical but that doesnt mean that everything is going to look the same.  it may be patterned similarly but in no way are the events going to transpire similarly.

if im constantly afraid to get hurt and constantly afraid to trust and am constantly afraid to believe that someone wants to be nice and good things can happen to me.... i should just hole myself up in a closet and not come out.  that is NO way to live.  at least not for me.

i may be weird and have quirks.  i may dress in a not so fashionable way.  i may have a really weird and loud laugh.  i may be completely grammatically incorrect.  i may not have the most awesome lifestyle and schedule.  but for fuck's sake... i like me.  id like to think im a rare breed.  i like to put others first and make sure everyone else is happy and feels loved and appreciated before even thinking of myself.  i like to go out of my way to surprise people and let them know i give a shit.  i like to ask people how their day was.  i like to smile and say hello to strangers.  i like to laugh and dance no matter how ridiculous i look or sound.  i like being dorky and nerdy and all variations of those words.  i dont give a shit about being fancy or what's trending.  i just want a happy, humble life surrounded by smiles and love. 

so if im constantly running... thinking i know better and best.... trying to avoid pain and a repeat of lies and cheating and hurt.... im going to have a lonely sad life indeed.  sometimes you have to take a risk.  things may not always turn out ok.  things may end up in failure.  that's ok.  it's another experience.  i dont control life or know what is meant to be when.  no one does.  i have to stop thinking i know what's best and just let life happen.....  however it may.

Friday, November 30, 2012

another year comes to a close

and im just a few months shy of 30!!!
i don't know if as a child i ever thought what i would be doing by this age, but certainly i never would have assumed all of this.
i know my dad cringes at my life.
i know he isn't super proud of me cos im not where he wants me to be in life.
and that's fine.
that's his plan for me.

the way i see it.... we're all pretty much headed to the same place and each one of us is on a different path and we'll all make it to the same end eventually.... some of us just take a little bit longer.  so maybe in an advanced world im traveling at a remedial pace.  so maybe i will get there a few hours, days, months, or years later than you.  fine.  so maybe i'll have a few extra stories from my travels that may bore you to tears or enlighten you beyond belief.  i don't know and neither do you.

to be completely honest, i don't think anyone of us has a goddamn idea where we are going and what we are doing.  some just fake it better than others.  and im ok admitting that i won't always have the answer and i wont always be correct and i wont always know right from wrong.  that's ok.  that's part of living and experiencing and figuring shit out.

every person i meet is just a part of a greater story.  bad memories or good.  they are each words on pages part of different chapters.  some words are too horrifying to read and i never return to those pages.  others fill me with smiles and happy thoughts remembering those days.  others are vague dreams i don't remember being a part of... either way, everything and everyone has been a part of my journey for a reason whether i like it and want to admit it or not.

so yes, to people like my dad i am a fuck up and a failure.  i am a near 30 year old who is a single parent with a dumpy house, no college degree, no "successful" job..... but who is to define success anyway?  the things i hear are "normal" disgust me to no end.

take relationships for example-  this whole BULLSHIT concept.... who is to say that 3 months after dating someone you need to expect them to propose and start planning your life together?  you dont know someone in 3 months let alone 3 years!  people change and grow constantly.  people are different with the phases of the moon.  girls have pms and periods.  guys have roid rage.  what im saying is that no one is predictable.  no one is ever who they claim to be cos i don't think anyone really has a handle on who they are all the time anyway.  that's just being human.  that's life.

why can't my concept of a relationship exist?  im tired of being told it's unrealistic.  what is wrong with wanting a best friend to hang out with and have funventures with?  what is wrong with just expecting them to love you for you in spite of all your shortcomings and places for growth and not be looking for "better?"  what is wrong with just being kind to each other and showing each other you give a shit in your weird and dorky little ways?  why is that unrealistic?  what is so appealing about fighting and arguing and drama and jealousy and clinginess and suspicion and having to move in and settle and be someone youre not simply in order to appease?  WHY is that the norm?

and fuck, if im living in a bubbly fantasyland.... then leave me there.  id like to believe my robot boy is out there and we can play with balloons and fly kites and go see the hidden places the world never stops to look at.  id like to think that we can live in the "unrealistic" realm that i so desire to be a part of.  id like to think that he isnt perfect either.... that he isnt completely where he needs to be but is content with just figuring things out and getting there as he does.

life is going to end eventually.  i don't understand the race- this rush for money and stuff and things.  just let life be.  experience what happens as it happens.  don't be in a hurry to MAKE things happen.  not to say you should kick back and coast... obviously be working towards being a better human and have a goal in mind but.... enjoy the simple things.  love the little bits no matter how small or sour or sweet or inviting or deceiving.  life is what it is.... every page is a part of your story whether it is a super happy moment or one that brings every reader to tears.  patience fellow human.....

so yes, im almost 30.  im "not where i need to be in life."  gotta say for the first time ever, im enjoying that and very much ok with it.  im excited to look back on all these pages when im gray and relive the little bits that most overlook.  ill make it to my end eventually and ill see you there.

an insomniac's epiphany

i have my pre-awake night shift "i cant sleep" bullshit roaming around my body again.  my eyes are heavy and tired, my mind is racing at crazy speeds, and im tossing and turning on my couch with "it's always sunny..." on in the background.  so i do the usual routine.... get up, make coffee, and find something to occupy my brain.  just now for some reason, logical and rational thought processes ensued. 

there is said boy i dig quite a bit.  said boy has said he digs me.  crazy girl brain i have goes stupid and overthinks and overanalyzes every last thing he does and does not do or say.  logical kelly chimes in and says "LADY NO!"  so, thankfully i havent actually acted on any of those self deprecating, stupid thoughts. 

and then, it hits me...
what am i stressing about?  in life, things come and go.  things change and things stay but it is not up for me to decide what that is.  i don't need a therapist to clue me in that i have trust issues.  just look at my dating track record!  ive been dumped and cheated on by EVERY person ive ever been with.  so of course im afraid to let anyone near me.  it's scary.

but with said boy.... i just want to hang out with this person and enjoy their company and have adventures as much as time allows.  and if it should end after a period of time, ok, that is what was meant to be and at least we had some great times to enjoy.  if it goes on and on, then awesome too, more fun times to be had.  i am not in control of time and people and space and change.  i don't get to determine that course.  i can just roll with punches and what is.  i can know that we both said we want to hang out and see where it goes.... and it goes wherever it chooses to go.  neither of us are in control of that.  and how do i even know what he thinks?  i always assume the worst.... that im being tolerated and not liked and enjoyed.  and who is to say that that is in any place remotely accurate?

so yes, i dont need a therapist to point out my mental flaws.   i just need to let go and let life do what it may.  easier said than done yes... easier said than done.  but it's possible.... and needs to happen.  or ill definitely miss out on fun and adventures and the possibility for some long term adventures.  who knows?   

overthinking

sometimes i wish i could shut my brain up.
it runs and races at speeds i cant catch up with.
i hate the places it goes.
i hate that i cant let life just be.
i cant seem to not assume.
i cant seem to not over analyze.  

logic and rationality. 

blaaaaaaah.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

and so time flies

it's almost been a month and i have to say i couldn't be happier.  i am so glad the events in my life transpired how they did.  sure, 2 months ago i wouldn't have thought that i'd be feeling this way but i feel amazing and am glad for what happened.  sir that i thought was my dorky boy robot, no.  no you are very much not.  you are far from what i want and need.  boy that i stopped talking to for three months .... hanging out with said boy has been amazing.  three months ago this person was someone so different.  this person was not who i know now and i cant get enough of who i know now.  the problem is that i want to stay guarded.  i want to keep my walls up and be safe so i dont get hurt again but every time im with him they start to fall and im hanging on brick by brick to keep them in place.  he asked some pointed questions that i am trying to ignore so as not to entertain this lofty dream that could quite possibly be.  for once tho, i am willing to just let life go and happen as it may.  i am happy with this slow and steady course.  i dropped the L bomb the other night and he did last nite.  but i don't think i regret it.  i do love him.  i love how he has changed and i love how much he loves his family and puts them before himself.  i love that he is creative and sensitive and sweet.  i love that he is simple.  i love his taste in music.  i love his goofy dance moves.  i love that he will shamelessly dance party it up when EVERYONE is watching.   i love this quote by dr seuss because i don't do the whole gushy chick flick, "iminloveandneedthissappyromantictitledordeal...."  no. 

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” 

 

 

Saturday, November 3, 2012

an extra hour....

if im here an extra hour at work, awake, i will take this extra hour and waste a little bit of it on senseless brain blabber.

i've been smacked in the face by life lately.  shit in NY was really scary and eye opening to how lucky i am for the little i have and the few people in my life that are actually trustworthy and not complete farts and asses.  therein lies another lesson.

someone i swore off, someone i said i would never let near me ever again resurfaced last weekend.  and i forgot how much i missed this person.  i forgot how much they made me laugh and how good of a friend they always have been.  i was blindsided by their flaws and addictions.  who though, honestly, is without one vice or another?  needless to say, im happy they resurfaced and that i didn't hold a grudge.  i'm happy i am talking to them again and hanging out with them.

last month began with this "clinging to scraps and remains," fearing loss.  this whirlwind of chaos, lies, cheating, backstabbing.... and those are the types of people i was clinging to... people that did all that!  i don't need that drama and nonsense.  i dont need semi SS soldiers reporting every little thing i say and feel back to a certain few.  those are not friends.  i dont even know who said what but i just am choosing to say nothing to any of them anymore.  i will never understand that situation, what REALLY happened, and why it panned out the way it did.  but it is what it is and what remains is me on a new path with a new beginning with an old friend and meeting new friends.

im putting myself out there, taking chances, embracing possibilities and simply seeing what's next, realizing that some people are simply not worth my time for various reasons and the only thing i can do is simply let go of what was and focus on what is.  what will be remains unknown and that is the direction im heading in..... giant steps forward into the unknown.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

tragedy strikes

it was really hard to get anything done monday.
my sister was blowing up my phone with texts and videos of the oncoming and growing storm.
i began to worry.  i spent the evening hours watching the weather channel online seeing the flood and fires and wind destroying everything.  people left with nothing but darkness and tears.
i was told my family is alright but many of them are without power, without gas, without food, and pretty much cold and stuck.  i cant help but think about those with small children unable to provide necessities.  i cant help but think about the elderly, those that rely on electricity for medical needs, and those that were in hospitals at the time this all occurred.  i cant help but think how i sit here and whine about a few mice in my house when people lost everything. 
im sad because that is where i grew up.  some of those sights are so familiar to me.  it's hard to watch people begging for help feeling ignored and unheard.
it is nice however, to see a city that prides itself on individualism and independence, coming together and helping one another. 
talking to family and friends the spectrum of damage is incredible.  for some, meh a few branches and trees in the street, for others, lost homes, lost businesses, no power for who knows how long, no food, and no heat. 
if you live in the surrounding areas and are OK, HELP OUT!!!  if you have the means i am begging and stressing for you to help.  it is devastating to think about what everyone lost and what they have to see and be reminded of on a daily basis. 
it is sad to see how petty i am as well.  there is much more to value than things and stuff and much more to be thankful for on a daily basis than we really are.  i know i feel like a real jackass.

wishing nothing but a speedy return to whatever normal you all can come to again.
love to the east coast.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

family... home.... hrm....

the holidays are coming... uh oh.  it always reminds me of this subject.....

i can be all sappy and rehash my less than perfect childhood, but really, who can't?
i feel like everyone i know has a similar story of how they were ignored, not encouraged, picked on, not supported, physically or verbally abused.... that endless list of really terrible things.

nights like tonight remind me how lucky i am.

i moved away from my family in NY in 2005 (who seriously aside from maybe one or two people, are the most amazingly loving people in the world that i miss terribly and wish purchasing plane tickets wasnt like getting sodomized via el bank account) to MN where i knew only a few people.  there have been MANY MANY good and bad people in and out of my life.  sometimes it feels like i have a revolving door attached to myself by how many have come and gone over the years.  but again, whose life isn't like that?  i feel like someone is reading this going "oh sister me too!"  i am really lucky to have a gym family though. 

here is a group of people who beat the crap out of each other 2-7 days a week and can come together for drinks and food and laughs and dance parties.  they help you move or bring you food just because.  they listen to your problems and offer advice.  they protect you and care for you and genuinely want to see you succeed.  they are by your side at tournaments and encouraging you until the end whether you win or lose.  they offer feedback and criticism.  they offer you a couch to crash on when you're not ok to drive home.  they come to graduations and weddings.  they want the best for you.

i feel like i missed out on that a lot growing up like many.  but i really am super blessed to have that right now at my gym.

and i cant forget work.  how could i forget work.  i help take care of 6 really diverse people.  each one is so unique in their likes and dislikes, their preferences and choices of activity.  each one is super special to me, even at their worst or when im at MY worst.  i also work with some amazing women.  they are thoughtful and go the extra mile.  they ask how you're doing.  they do a little extra to take a bit off your load.  they laugh with you and encourage you.  they cover shifts for you when you keep busting your body at the gym with your other family.  they cry with you through break ups and financial problems.  they laugh when your kid farts like crazy during staff meetings.  they make you treats and leave you notes letting you know youre appreciated.

i may not have grown up with super attentive or encouraging parents.  my sisters and i may not have gotten along until our later years.  my family may not have shown much appreciation then.  but i have that now.  i have a special place called NY that i can go visit once or twice a year and see these wonderful people.  i also have this place called MN where i am surrounded by the love i bet my family wishes they could provide audrey and i with all the time.  so yes, i may have missed out then and not have my blood family around me now to be with, but i definitely am not short of family here. 

i love you AMA and i love you Fallgold.  thank you.  i can't express enough how much i appreciate you all.  whether we are super close and you know my intimate details or we are just mere acquaintances and im just the doof that does crappy dance moves..... really i love you.

and NY fam, i miss you guys and wish i could come home more.  someone win the lottery please.  :)

Saturday, October 27, 2012

always moving forward

at the brink of retirement, my dad, knowing the risks, with a few of his colleagues, started up a new company.

what a fucking great example!  seriously not to swear in such a small statement but holy crap.
here is a man who could easily kick back and relax after many years of schooling and hard work and hard times.  here is a man who could kick back and relax after 4 kids and all the drama that comes with that (sorry fam, i mean well, trust me).

last week i was telling one of my instructors im a tad embarrassed to not be done with school until im 30 and how im pretty much the black sheep of my family (hence the blog title) for the choices i have made and the way my life has panned out. 

it's nice that i have an example in my dad that we should always be moving forward and that life is not done being lived until youre buried in the ground (or burned and dispersed of or stuffed in a jar if that's the route you choose to take). 

i can think of all the times that i should have stopped because of shame or failure or defeat.  i should have quit countless times because i wasn't strong enough or tall enough or brave enough.  should have and could have but didnt.  and im really glad i didnt. 

yes, i may be nearing 30 and graduating school.  i may not have a clue what the hell im doing most days.  i may be a single mom with a house over north.  but im not done.  i haven't quit, nor should i.  there is no shame in finding my way because no matter the age, we should all be doing that anyway.  we should all be progressing and moving and bettering ourselves.

so thanks dad.  i may not say it enough but thank you. 

Thursday, October 25, 2012

the continuing search

through movies and tv shows and even just examples around us we are taught to believe that happiness comes from being with someone else.  we are taught to value and strive for these romantic relationships to find value and wholeness.  very rarely is there any emphasis on SELF.
we are taught that to love oneself or focus on oneself is SELFish.  the word 'self' gets this terrible meaning when really, it can actually be quite valuable.

being a single mom owning a very old house sucks.  i have to say i have invested way too much money in exterminators because of mice, repairs, yard tools, and other tools and items for "fix it" projects around the house.  last winter i had a really bad mouse problem and freaked out horribly.  i had my ex come back here to help fix things .... every LITTLE thing.  i was too afraid to try, too afraid to just face shit and do it.  well, last nite the little rodent bastards struck again and i found mouse turds in the kitchen.  i have to say i am quite pleased with how much ive grown in a year.  granted, yes, i am still horribly disgusted and freaked out, but i knew what to do, called the exterminator right away, took the flashlight out and went hunting.  (didn't find anything tho.)  i cleaned the basement by myself.  i changed the air filter for the furnace by myself.  i put audrey's big kid bed together by myself.  i have resolved some minor plumbing issues by myself.

the point is, i am learning to be strong by MYSELF.  this waste of time spent hunting and searching down this perfect person who can be there is kind of futile to me right now.  if i can do these things by myself, i don't really need anyone.  not to say im a hermit that hates all people!  i love making new friends and getting to be around other adults.  it's great and amazing.  but this quest for "love" or whatever bullshit we are fed to pinhole our vision on.... it's so wasteful to me right now.  conquering fears and taking control of situations on my own, learning to enjoy who i am as a person and even just learning who i AM as a person.... that is what is important.  i didn't know i was capable of so much before.  and that's just here at home.  at school i am learning to do things that always freaked me out (and sometimes still do).  i have potential i haven't even thought of noticing before and strength inside of me i never knew was there.  although it would be nice to have someone around sometimes, im really liking alone time and i never thought i would.  maybe this self reliance will bite me in the ass eventually because i honestly don't know how to let anyone do anything nice for me ever, but honestly, if i NEVER find my dorky robot boy and am surrounded by amazing friends of both genders the rest of my life and my amazing little miss A, i can honestly say (which i NEVER thought i would), that i would be completely fine and ok with that. 

i think im finally growing up.

Monday, October 22, 2012

numbers and letters and brands oh my!

still after being sick from severe vitamin deficiencies all day, all i can think about is the fact that i ate and how it is going to affect the scale in the morning.

i really have no idea why im preoccupied with this nonsense.

does being a size 0-2 make you better than an 8-16?

what does it even matter?
why cant i seem to see what everyone else sees?

im hung up on some obscure rating based on a number or letter that even varies with brand or cut.
you're never the same size in two pairs of jeans or two dresses.

there are so many alterations and disclaimers that all you know is that you are to strive to be the smallest number or letter indicating the smallest size on the spectrum.

i have no idea why that small number or letter indicating the petite title of the world is my ultimate goal.  i should be working on myself and being a better person and contributing to society and the lives of others, not being hung up on how im seen and viewed by the public eye.

i have plenty of people male and female alike tell me im pretty and shit like that and i cant seem to grasp it.

i dont see that.
i wish i did.
i wish i wasnt so hung up on an estimation of my size.
a number on a scale or for my waist.

i wish i knew the significance of this bullshit.
one more day i ate and felt guilty.
one more day i wish i could run until my lungs burst and my knees give way.
one more day i wish i could take back putting one meager bite in my mouth.

hopefully at some point i wont be so hung up on a skeletal appearance.  i see audrey and i wonder if im gonna be one of those psycho moms that worries about size and what she eats and drinks.  sometimes i wonder if she'll pick up on the bullshit i say outloud about myself and think it about herself one day too.

i wish i knew why this issue has such an iron grip on my mental state.
i wish i knew the significance of this bullshit.

i wish i could go a day without feeling guilty for not being 100% psycho active.
i wish i could go a day without feeling guilty for consuming carbohydrates and dairy.
i wish i could go a day without feeling guilty for eating period.

ill get there one day i hope.
this is really getting annoying.

spies all around me

it's like fucking nazi germany.
i know which people are the ss soldiers that are "reporting back" and making things even worse than they are.
it's the ones that lied the best to me.
it's the ones that said they were my friends.

that really sucks.
it sucks that words can't be trusted to remain between two people.
it sucks that people feel the need to go around and do things like that at the age they are at.
maybe their life needs some drama, some excitement.
mine is fine.

im out in the world doing things and meeting new people.
im facing my demons head on and challenging myself.
i missed those challenges.
right now for some reason instead of going to work at this early hour, i want to scale a wall or go rock climbing.  i want to push myself harder than i've ever been pushed.  i don't care what eyes are staring or who is judging or saying what.  i just want to go.  i want to do something bigger than i've allowed myself the capability to think i could even attempt.

maybe it's the life of single mom working and going to school that is finally catching up with me.  the mundane, drab, day to day set routine.  i need an adventure, a break from this cycle.

maybe today's the day i find it.
go report that back to your general.  

Saturday, October 20, 2012

a bit of nostalgia and high school

recent actions of others and myself included apparently have been very "high school"-ish ... from saying hurtful things, to how feelings were vented, to picking on people and lying and being catty and talking shit.... just.... blah- the nonsense from high school that we all hope to escape in adulthood but somehow it seems to peek its head out of the ground at different intervals throughout life.

this inspired me to revert back to my ska days.  i was happier then.  i wasn't concerned about much but shows, cds, new bands, and dancing my ass off.  i remembered the beats and smiling and making friends with everyone around me and just having good times. 
i gotta say it was probably the best move.
aside from the fact im still a little stewy over some things and snuck a few bits of halloween candy, this is the best therapy ever....

reel big fish ... i forgot how much they made me smile and how peppy the beats were to dance to.... and the dingees. .... i dont know many that even KNOW of them and i am just having the time of my life cooking audrey dinner, cleaning, at work... just dancing.

and it sounds pathetic maybe, but.... music is the most amazing creation and it's so freeing.  who would want to feel free after a year of bullshit?  i certainly have no shame.

it makes me super stoked about my next tattoo..... when i save up for it.
an homage to the things that save my life.... time and time again.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

getting to know you...

so back in the dating world and it's kinda weird.
the whole getting to know you thing....
sharing pasts and stories and baggage and beliefs and values....
going to get food or drinks or a combination of the two.

there's always something that i have had a struggle with that i wish for fuck's sake after 15 years would go away.  i can finally trace it back to its origin after so many rehashings of my life story.

i wish it didn't preoccupy my mind every moment of every day, but there is something i can not seem to put to rest.
my size.
my weight.
the numeric value assigned to my jeans and the letter assigned to my shirts.

growing up a chubby kid didn't foster acceptance from peers or family.  you'd think you'd love your kid regardless of how plump their rump became, but no.  not in my family.  i remember a thanksgiving when my gramma said i was too fat to eat pie.  i looked around at the whole family eating.  she was no skeleton, nor was my mother.  why was i being judged and in front of everyone?

because of that instance, i have a phobia of eating in front of people.  i feel like im being judged and stared at and whispered about.  which sucks cos food is amazing and i like to cook and bake and on occasion binge eat.

and then there's being chubby.  once you get to high school, you really need to do something drastic like attempt to kill yourself or get an eating disorder apparently.  i chose the latter.  i look back at pictures now when i was probably at a "healthy" weight of 110 pounds, and i honestly looked more sickly and alien like than cute.  what's funny is that no one knew.  NO ONE knew my strict rituals of ice cubes and lettuce.  no one knew the 2000 crunches that i HAD to do every night or i wouldn't let myself go to sleep.   they thought i was being healthy and growing into my body.  a few friends noticed i never ate anymore around them and i realized, what i was doing was stupid and NOT healthy and they loved me regardless.

then came the yo-yoing of college and moving back with my dad and stress and depression.... balloon animal kelly returned.  my dad would make horrible comments when i wore pj pants about how huge i looked.  that's when i snapped again.  i mean yeah, it goes on and on up and down.  especially after being pregnant and gaining so much weight, once audrey was done nursing, i no longer cared about what i ate and began freaking out again.  i dropped 70 pounds and probably am the smallest ive been since my high school days, but, it doesnt feel like enough.

so where am i now? 
im surrounded by images of stick thin women on tv and the internet and in magazines and movies.
im surrounded by commercials for diet pills, weight loss tricks, and exercise dvds and machines.
im torn between the logical voice in my head that says i am more than the number on the scale or in my pants and the creepy demon that tells me that if i eat ill immediately get huge and no one will want to be around me anymore.

but what do i do?
i stare at myself angrily in the mirror.  i poke and pull and tug at every ounce of skin that will move.
some days i restrict my eating in a very obsessive manner.

and i hate it.

the one ounce of baggage i cant seem to let go of.

so no, im not excited about getting to know people because of this stupid bag i wont put down.  i clutch it like a fucking security blanket.
im too old for this.
like audrey is too old for a paci, im too old for this.

so when does it end?

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

my little love

i can't believe it's been nearly 3 years since she was this tiny.  time has FLOWN.  i feel like she gets bigger every weekend i don't see her cos she's with her dad!  it's been almost a year too since i've been doing the single mom thing.

i really don't understand how that tiny little helpless peanut became this:  

a smiley, spunky, imaginative, sassy, creative, loving, empathetic, sweet little love of mine.
it's so crazy to watch her grow and see her conquer her fears, explore and try, be so concerned with everyone else's well being, try new foods, be adamant about what she likes and doesnt like, pick out her own clothes, dress herself, color, dance, learn new words, sing songs, ask really interesting questions about science and life.... i mean the list goes on.

it's amazing also how much she has taught me.  watching her at the playground do things she was once afraid of or couldn't do without help.... now able to conquer them courageously and excitedly... it's enough to make one want to try it to (with like more adult type stuff instead of monkey bars and slides and things).  so many times she's seen me upset or crying or just having a total breakdown (which i really try to not do) and she's just hugged me and kissed me and patted me on the back or leg.  im seriously the luckiest mom ever.



sometimes having such a crap schedule sucks and it gets kinda sad to do this alone but.... then there are those moments when we're watching a movie or reading a book or pretending to be dinosaurs or pirates that she just gives me a little smile or a cuddle and i really could care less about anything else in the whole world.

she was unexpected and unplanned yes, but i seriously don't know what i would do without her.  my life is drastically different, very busy, very stressful at times, and certainly very chaotic and preplanned, but it's worth it.  that little love of mine is worth it all.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

hiccups

So yes, an interesting few weeks I have had.
Hiccups and curve balls.
I feel like I have been sparring too hard.

I can't wait to be back with my gloves on and the mats beneath my feet, gloves striking bag and face.
I am even so stoked to be studying amd thinking of all the limitless possibilities I have available.
So yes, minor distractions, minor hiccups, and a few snags.
Im not slowing my pace.
Im not stopping in my tracks to admire anyone or anything from now on.
Lessons have been learned.

I'm actually excited now to turn the page and see what adventure is next. Like those books you read as a kid that were like "turn to page 87 to explore the pirate cave or turn to page 55 to keep sailing."
So maybe I went to the "wrong page" before. I have a new set of adventures to choose from now and  I feel like this time I am on the right path.

Guess we will wait and see.

Monday, October 15, 2012

oh my weird.

so i ate ice cream for breakfast.
never doing that again.
what a weird ass day.
random things and digging and just weird....

i maybe didnt handle things well on my end.
i get that.
but i dont get today.
i dont get what 2 hours were spent enduring.

i refuse to be private with my feelings.
maybe more cryptic but never private.
plenty of songs are written from "skewed viewpoints" and they help some people.
i dont know who reads this and is offended or who reads this and is helped.
well ok i know of a few who said they were helped.
and apparently a few that are horribly offended.

im not the only one on this side of the fence though.
i know that for a fact.

i am the last to ever shut my mouth.
maybe not the wisest of moves but i definitely regret nothing but what began at the end of august.
i wish i could take those days back.

that is all i regret.
that is my finest mistake.

but that's how we learn and grow.
that's how we move into bigger and better.
that's how new songs are written and certain scenarios are avoided in the future.

ill never stop my clacking fingers processing thoughts.
if someone is digging, the dirt is on their hands, not mine.
the end for now.


Saturday, October 13, 2012

"Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."

the one day i check my email, such an inspiring little quote.
and no i am not taking this as far as a recent male situation goes.
that's done.  
im taking it as far as a lot of things in my life that have crapped out on me recently.
i always feel like i need to know the future and have everything mapped out.
and sometimes when i get a glimpse of stability and solid ground, i take that and run and then the ground beneath me turns into mush.
i think i know better and life likes to give me such pleasant reminders that i am not in charge and i don't know best.
and when the ground beneath my feet turns to mush and i cant wade through the muck, i get flustered and sad and angry....
but i don't realize that sometimes, maybe im reaching for something really good off a high shelf and i think it is the best thing ever, the one thing i really need.... and in my attempt to reach it, it falls and shatters to the floor.  well what if by bending down to pick up the pieces, i notice something on a lower shelf that i wouldn't have noticed had i not broken the original item i was after.  and what if this something on a lower shelf is way more awesome than the one thing i was trying to get.

the point is, i can't put so much stake in any one thing.  nothing is stable.  nothing is set in stone.  this little moment i have right now in life is just one minute speck in a greater spectrum of events that i cant see.

i dont know what's best.  i just have to take what comes and know that my two little human hands are incapable of controlling anything.

Friday, October 12, 2012

all lines have an end

i swear i need to stop thinking sometimes.  my brain rambles at a million miles an hour and sometimes i just can't keep up.

as much as i want to stop thinking about the humorous events that occurred yesterday, i can't stop chewing on it.  the past year has been non stop idiot men coming in and out of my life at the speed of sound.  it's been lines and lies, smiles and stabwounds, puppy love and poop, and strings and hope and bottomless plummets.  i feel like i have learned way too much about the opposite gender from these experiences but at the same time i feel that im still so stupid and so naive.

i hate being a woman.  i hate it.
from a young age we are fed this bullshit about fairytales and princes.  we are fed nonsense about being swept off our feet in some whirlwind romantic cloud.
IT DOESNT EXIST.
yes i sound jaded and cynical and bitter and maybe that is due to the events of the past year, but maybe it IS because of one real truth:
a majority of men are ASSHOLES.
and for some reason i keep on running into them.

they lie and we hold on hope.
they cheat and we think they will come back.
they lie some more and we think they just fear commitment.
they ignore us and we just assume they are too busy.

why do we do this to ourselves?
why do we believe the nonsense of fairytales or the one instance where someone met a non asshole?
the reality is that most of my male acquaintances or friends will probably resent me for saying this or completely agree with me.

we spend so much time eating junk food and being sad when they do these things to us, secretly hanging on to some thread of possibility.  diabetes and hope are our two worst sources of comfort.

the reality is, if a guy cheats, he never loved you.  if a guy lies, he never loved you.  if a guy ignores you, chances are he doesnt even like you.  SO STOP MAKING EXCUSES FOR THEM!  stop believing something you saw in a movie or heard in a friend's story or read in a book.  it's not reality.  reality is, if a guy does all this, he doesnt like you or love you or want to be with you.

and it's nothing about YOU.  YOU are still the same person.  YOU are still YOU.   what someone else does to YOU doesn't change who YOU are it just means you're not hanging out with the right people.

so time to change the scenery.  time to weed the assholes out of your life.  time to get all the people that arent worth it out of the picture.  stop hoping and waiting and wishing and day dreaming.  stop wanting what isn't even worth it.  spend your energy and efforts on bettering your own life and yourself and surrounding yourself with good people.  the line of dipshits can't be THAT long.  it has to end somewhere.  i'd like to believe i'm close to the end after all that i've endured this past year:
-lies
-being told im a joke
-being ignored
-being cheated on
-more lies
-being a rebound
-more lies
-them having 2 girlfriends at once
-being told they got their ex pregnant and cant talk to me anymore
-being used for sex
-more lies
-hanging out once and never calling back or not telling me they didnt like me or want to see me again
-being told im fat and gross
-not telling me they are back with their ex
-more lies

shit, i could go on for hours, but the reality is, these people are not worth it.  these people make up a really long line but all lines have an end.   im sure at the end, my dorky robot is waiting for me with my balloons in hand.  and i'll know the bullshit is over, i've weathered the storm, and the end of nonsense is in sight with a new beginning at hand.  i can wait.  i can endure.  i've done it enough already and im not dead yet.

but one thing i wont do is shut up.  i wont quit venting.  i wont stop this string of girly thoughts publicly displayed for all to see.  why?  cos im not the only one.  im not the only one waiting for that dorky robot at the end of the line of dipshits and assholes.  im not the only one that seems to be horribly unlucky in that department.
another thing i wont do is quit.  i have a self esteem regardless of  how all these dummies treat me and speak to me.  im not stupid.  im not a fool.  im not ugly or fat or boring.  i like myself.

so back to waiting.  this time i will be a bit more selective about what new dipshit i encounter and how deep it actually goes before i realize it's going to blow up in my face.  but with every asshole i deal with and every new experience of being hurt and wrecked, i learn new things.  unfortunately this last one was the biggest mistake cos i ignored all common sense that said "kelly watch yourself."  i ignored every gut feeling that said "run like hell dummy."  so now, now i listen to my head and my gut.  i ignore my heart til my head says "this is no dipshit."

my ears are open and im ready for what's next.

don't settle.  don't compromise.  don't endure lies and cheating and bullshit and nonsense and drama.  it's not worth it.  being alone is no big deal.  sure a friend is cool and all that jazz.  who doesnt like being told they are pretty and liked and appreciated?  it fluffs the human ego and we all love it (girl and guy alike).  reality is, you gotta love you every day regardless of who is there to affirm it or not.  you have to endure the cold nights when you just want someone to cuddle and all you have is a big green blanket and a cat.  you have to stop watching chick flicks and reading romance novels that feed you this bullshit ideal that is non existent.  you have to be patient.  you have to wait.  the dorky robot boy is at the end of the line of complete losers with your balloon bouquet ready to take you to the playground to roll down a hill of leaves.  maybe he's impatiently waiting for you too.  the point is, if that's what you really want.... you gotta just wait.  keep your standards and wait.  learn from every dipshit that breaks your heart.  learn who you are, what you want, what you don't want..... and don't cave and settle.

the end of girly thoughts for now.  im sure ill have tons more to come.


a new start

today marks a new day.
a day where i am completely liberated from all drama and nonsense and strings and hope and misread signals and misunderstood text and type.
today is a full day where im myself with no shame no matter what form ME comes out in.
today is a full day where im not worrying or stressing or overthinking or pondering or wondering or anything but having a fun day.
life is too short to live for tomorrow.
i never understood people saying they live for the now and the moment.
but it's true.
tomorrow isn't promised.
every time i make future plans with a guy they leave me anyway.
i should know by now that the future is absolutely never promised.

so no more guys.
no more funventure buddies.
no more silly friends.

not in that sense.

im going to just be me, live life, have fun, and see what is out there.
no commitment to things or people.
no stake or claim put in anything anyone says or does.
no thinking or worrying or stressing or wondering.

today marks the day where i just let go and live life.
experience things.
meet new people.
have fun.
shamelessly and fearlessly.

and i dont care who notices and doesn't approve.
i don't care who doesn't notice.
i dont care who does approve.

it's about me now.
the one person i am so very good at neglecting.

Thursday, October 11, 2012

no one said you had to click and read

i was told today that my airing of thoughts and feelings publicly is "gross."
honestly, no one has to read this.  in fact, i assumed no one read it.  yes, i'll post a link on facebook or twitter, but i don't assume anyone gives a shit about what i have to say so i don't think anyone will actually click and read.

on that note, i have no shame in posting my thoughts and feelings in a public forum.
it's how i deal.
sometimes i write songs, sometimes i eat copious amounts of food, sometimes i eat nothing, sometimes i cry, and sometimes i blog.  lately it's just been a lot of the latter.

also, im not out for affirmation, a pity pat on the shoulder, or a tissue.  i just needed a place to vomit my thoughts and feelings and questions.
if you read it and were offended, ok you maybe should have stopped clicking and reading like 18 posts ago.
if you read it and were like "christ kelly what are you thinking?"  well, dont click and read.
and if you read it just because my psychotic girl brain is quite entertaining and irrational or sometimes emotastically sappy or sometimes funny or right, well, click and read away.

i dont do this FOR anyone.  i do this to get shit off my chest.  i do this to process and cope and release.
im not ashamed or embarrassed by any means.
i think honesty and feelings are so underrated.
we live in a society that says boys don't cry and only the weak say how they feel.
that's what is really disgusting.

it is not a crime to feel. 
it is not a crime to express how you feel, public or private.

i always said that if there were a government upheaval i would be the first arrested for saying how i feel in a public forum. 

i dont shut up.
it's a quality and a flaw all rolled in one.

and i have no shame.
the end.
happy readings if you so continue to.
my sagas and life adventures are just beginning.

probably not the most mature move...

but i know im not mature so im gonna do it anyway.

i have so many questions still for you.
if you wanted nothing to do with me why the fuck were you reading my blog?
if you were reading all of the "emo kid" finger rants i had, why not text me the truth (or better yet talk to me as a person) much sooner than after a 2 week period?
when i drunk dialed you sunday night, why did you act like it was no big deal and that shit was just busy and such and things?
why when i asked if we could hang out when you were not so busy you didnt own up to the truth about this girlfriend and tell me "we'd figure it out?"
why make a pact with me to see only me but then see someone while i was away in another state and say youre going to date her AFTER you said you were going to date me?
i really just have questions that i know you wont answer and now i really want nothing but to publicly ask because it bothers you.
and i know thats an immature move but i dont care.
you dont have to read this and i have absolutely no shame in publicly displaying my thoughts and feelings.
i know someone else is dealing with a class A douchebag quite like yourself and maybe what im writing will give them a bit of clarity and solace that this whole situation is quite ridiculous and laughable.

yeah im not the most mature in this situation simply because of how you handled it............. by lying and lying and lying and trying to cover up lying and then getting hostile with me for standing up for myself when you admitted your truths trying to somehow justify lying to me.

i dont understand your logic and how you so flippantly responded to this whole situation.  its fucking cowardly and disgusting and really low.
yeah whatever do your thing and be happy but shit, be HONEST about it.
dont tell a girl you barely know you want to be serious with her and then while she's on vacation see your ex and decide to get back with her and then not tell the girl you initially said you wanted to see.  its fucking gross.

and then the whole time to tell me it was because you were distracted and bogged down with work and still not over your ex wife..... and that you needed to be a loner and be alone for THOSE REASONS ONLY..... christ you are a piece of work.

so yeah dude, im not writing this all just in an attempt to get my "emo kid fingers" clacking.  im writing this all because im explosively pent up with hysteria.  the laughing kind.  i have not stopped shaking my head laughing at you since you began this mess at 11am.

your logic is nothing short of a joke.
i really dont hate you or have ill will.
i just think youre the most awful person i have encountered in a long time.
youre completely self centered and selfish.
you maybe dont think so and maybe no one else will tell you so and im definitely aware my opinion of you means nothing but holy shit.  after all i told you about my life and my past and how much you even told me and how you led me along and whatnot....for you to lie like that and do what you did and try to cover it up and then be weird at me for posting my feelings when you never even gave me the full truth....?  you are a train wreck of a person.

good riddance and good luck trudy cusack.

when lying is acceptable

Its not. Ever.
But I have my answers.
More shaking my head at it all and kind of laughing at the logic. But at least I have the truth and oh how it has set me free.
Being alone never sounded so safe and inviting before.
Comfort and solace in real friends and in myself.
Today is a new day.
A day I am happy for.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

the life of a loner

i realized a few things recently.

i really hate being lied to.
i hate being strung along like a dummy only to be abandoned, drowning in a sea of lies.
i hate when people can't be real with me treating me like im some small animal that needs to be coddled and protected from reality even though they don't like it and want nothing to do with it.... like some rescue animal covered in garbage and fleas.

i really wish people would just be straight with me.
tell me like it is.
i get more hurt when i know im not being given the whole truth than when people just say it like it is.
i hate when people skirt around it and offer some options as to why things are they way they are or make up excuses that very well have nothing to do with the matter at hand.

i hate it.
i really hate it.

i realized that i am probably going to be quite the loner since most people i know can't just be upfront and straight.
and i realize that not everyone thinks and feels how i do and that most people have their own way of dealing with things that is very different from how i feel is logical, but, i make it a clear point when i meet people of all genders to tell them to just be straight with me from day 1.

i feel like my stomach has a rock that keeps sinking lower and lower and lower.  there goes the uterus.

i started writing a song on my drive home from work.
it'll be up soon.

regardless, im thankful for the few in my life that know me, get me, and respect me enough to treat me with dignity.  for those of you that are yourselves and treat me like a person .... you have no idea how much you mean to me.  for those of you that dont, well, it's not my place to call you a coward or a phony, but i certainly wish you would just tell me like it is and be your real true self.
if you don't like me.... say so.
if you do.... say so.
i don't understand where the confusion lies.

just be yourself and treat others how you would want to be treated.  it's the oldest, most cliche words of wisdom that i wish more people would live out.

respect differences, embrace yourself, and just love others.  what is the problem?  who are you to be so high and mighty and judgmental?   how is it your place to cast a scowl or stick your nose up at someone else for being different or simply not acting how you think is "cool?" 
i really just don't get it.

maybe im just old.  maybe i think too much.
maybe im just a goddamn hippie.
regardless, i wish people were just nicer, not just to me, but to one another.
this is a lesson i still have to work on as well, because i dont always find myself acting kindly and fairly.

so ill start over with the rest....

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

knowing when to quit

swallowing razor sharp blades of pride, i said goodbye.
deleted a phone number.
i said my peace in an accusatory and semi hostile way.
but i cant take it anymore.
im not stupid.
i may act naive and i may be gullible but i am no fool.
i know when im being lied to.
what i dont get is WHY EVEN DO IT?
why not just say "hey dummy i do not like you and never did and never will!  i used you and that's that!"  id rather that because being told "im busy" when i know youre not and going from messaging me almost all day every day to ignoring me completely doesnt make sense.
one day you liked me and a few days later you lie to get me away from you.
it's just ridiculous.
again, i may be gullible but im not stupid.
i know when to just count my losses and go.
and its sad cos i stuck up for you so much to everyone that told me you were a liar and using me and whatnot.  i stuck up for you because i thought you were better than that.  i wanted to believe the best in you.
the best in you is a giant lie.

so thank you for that.  jaded, bitter, untrusting kelly is back. 

someone's feeling like a grown up

it took one class.  one instructor in one class to snap me into the most amazing hopeful reality.
she always seems to put things into perspective for me.
to not sell myself short.
to see the big picture and plan ahead.
she thinks how i think and for that, im thankful.

taking radiography 1, i learned that after i take radiography 2, i can take a exam to get my license as a limited xray operator.  i can do that before i take my CMA board exam.  there are scholarships available for that license exam and my gpa is cumulatively a 3.9 so i more than qualify.

i was so hung up on this boy.  this scenario i dont understand and realistically WHO THE FUCK CARES?  right now is my time.  i spent 4 years with someone that always had me focused on him and taking care of HIS needs.  yes, audrey comes first OBVIOUSLY and im ok with that, but when she isnt here, there is NO reason i should be shitting around doing nothing or going out a lot to find an adventure buddy to be silly with.

i mean shit, i can get a license as a limited xray operator, get my certification for medical assisting, and after i take my hematology class, the possibilities for new job opportunities is amazing.  i am wasting precious hours that i could learn to better my life and audrey's life in the long run focused on some trivial bullshit.  yeah, who doesnt love sex and being hugged?  what girl doesnt like being told she's pretty and getting attention?  i dont know a single one that hates that.  BUT.... why invest MORE time in someone else right now when i don't have that much time to even invest in myself?

and i am already loved so much.  i knock on the door at day care to pick audrey up and i can hear her screaming "MY MOM IS HERE MY MOM IS HERE!"  i get hugs and an excited little smile.  she is so proud to show me things and on the ride home will tell me "mom i have hugs for you."  seriously, how could you want more?

amazing job opportunities once i get the next 2 semesters under my belt and even MORE once i get the next 3 and my externship done and a smiley amazing little lady that loves me unconditionally.

who could really want more than that?

the best way i know how

i wish you would just get out of my head.
i think because i have so many unanswered questions that i dont want to bother asking you, i will always be left wondering what i did, what happened, or who you met, or even what someone said.
i feel so weird and unsure.
how in a matter of like 2 days you could change your mind and go from "i miss you" to saying nothing to me at all.  i wonder why you answered your phone the other day when i stupidly called.  i dont even know WHY i called.  i think i just wondered if youd even answer or what your voice would sound like, or maybe i just wanted to hear it period.
soon i hope i can forget you as easily as you forgot me.
hope.
a four letter word for stupid.

Monday, October 8, 2012

change the sheets

this is so gross but i wonder if you have.
i miss your bed a lot.
i swear to god i got more sleep in the few hours i was at your house than the constant interrupted nightmarish hell i try to get in my own bed.  there was something about being next to you that was just nice and felt good.

i hope one day i get to again.  i never slept next to someone without moving at all.  i dont cuddle.  that was weird.

i hate that i keep processing and thinking and chewing on this situation.  it wont make you want to talk to me.  i know how guys work.  you thrive on the chase.  why chase something that is right behind you?

i dont want to be here.  i know where i want to be but that's unrealistic. 
maybe tonight ill sleep in audrey's new big kid bed with her instead.

a fresh start

i guess maybe last nite i got a little clarity ... a little bit of well needed clarity.
of course the ever rambling girly brain that i do have is overthinking and questioning everything but i have politely told her to shut up and have stuffed her full of breakfast and second breakfast.

i think it's really good what happened come to think of it.
i do need to just focus right now and get my shit together.
i was spending too many hours putting energy into something really awesome but possibly not really necessary for right now.
i wonder if you'll be there when it is my right time.
i feel like that might be awesome but what do i know.
im a girl remember?
we tend to overanalyze and overscrutinize every minute moment and look and word and detail.

for now though, i have work, i start school tomorrow, i have audrey, i have the zombie pub crawl, muay thai, guitar, and some pretty rad friends to hang out with.

i was still finding myself when i met you and still finding my niche.
i shouldnt have dove headfirst into whatever we were doing but i did.
i dont regret it at all.
i hope in the right time, it can pick up where it left off and head into a better place.
i think youre a good influence on me in some regards :)

on that note, it's me time again.
the very thing i always seek to avoid, but it's time i get focused on growing up some more.
that wonderful phrase that will haunt me to the grave.

of course im still about 4 years old on the inside and cant wait to play in the mud and have finger paint and nerf gun wars with audrey, but in reality i need to get with a few things:
-im almost 30
-i am a poor manager of my money
-i neglect taking care of myself
-i have some pretty unhealthy habits
-i have hobbies i forgot about
-im still in school
-im a MOM
-i need to move
-i dont always make the most mature/wise decisions
-i dont always like having alone time
-i have a board exam to pass in a year

these things need to take priority and focus, not an adventure buddy or a new special friend.
maybe when i get some of these knocked off my list life will be different, but until then, i need  to really get my shit together.  that's a long list of things that i need to get in order and i realize it wont all happen overnight but to neglect these things in lieu of a new friend is the dumbest idea imaginable.

i hate time and i hate that it is so vital to the course of life events.  i just want everything spelled out and mapped out in front of me.  i hate not knowing.  i hate wanting something i cant have right now.  but maybe the suspense and the waiting and the growth will be well worth it in the end.

i sure hope so.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

clean house

my ex is finally coming to get the rest of his things.
we're not angry anymore at each other which is nice.
i thought hell might have frozen over because he and i conversed as actual humans with no doors slamming or yelling or scowling on friday.
it helps me to understand that i need patience.
time is really necessary for change.
i am possibly the most impatient person on planet earth.
i hate waiting.
maybe it's the culture of microwaves and internet that i am a part of.
in fact, i get mad at my crockpot, aka SLOW COOKER for not making food faster sometimes.
even with school, i am graduating a quarter later and i was IRATE at first, but then i just realized maybe i wouldnt be ready when i was supposed to.
maybe the extra 3 months is essential for my own personal growth and development.

maybe i need to carry this lesson out to other aspects of my life.
maybe things wouldn't be ready if they were not given adequate time and space to foster and grow as necessary.
like apple picking.
or any sort of harvesting.
if you pluck it too early, it's not at its best.

maybe time will make things better.

i used to hate time and waiting and space.
but now i realize how important it is.
maybe waiting doesn't mean sitting around with these false hopes and expectations.
maybe waiting and space are just taking your journey one step further and focusing on something else for a while.
maybe my patience will be rewarded in the end, and maybe it is a reward that i have no idea of.

the point is, i'm not ready.
i'm not ready for what i think im ready for.
i dont know myself as well as i would like to think or imagine.
there's more for me than i realize and hope for.

maybe my focus was in the wrong place and the current turn of events was a jostle back to reality.
maybe i ran head first into yet another one of my pseudo brick walls that i am ever so talented at doing.
maybe i just need to keep walking this wall to find the door.
there's gotta be one somewhere.
i'll just have to wait and see.
but not the waiting where im staring at the crockpot hungrily, but the waiting where i just keep walking and looking and seeing.

maybe youre on the other side.  maybe youre not.
time will tell.