Tuesday, June 17, 2014

a brief moment

where i reflect upon the fact that i was merely a warm body to release you from your downward spiral.
where i think upon the instances that occurred over and over again.
i am your afterthought.
i am the last thought on your mind in the morning, throughout the day, and before you go to sleep at night.
but you said so much more.
you said three words that mean a lot to someone like me.
you told me over and over again that i was wrong and speaking with an accusing tone.
there are no accusations in truth.
actions speak truth and need not a single breath or stumbling syllable.
you ignored me.
you ditched me.
you refused to spare a second of time for me.
you forgot about me.
you stared at every screen to avoid my face and physical touch.
when you wanted something though...
affection, affirmation, a warm body, encouragement, sympathy, a ride, a beer, or food.... there i was.
you never cared.
you said all of the right words and here i am, round 3, balled up fists stuffed in my eye sockets, trying to stifle the sounds of my sobbing so as to not wake the sleeping child in the next room.
i hurt.
i hurt and i cry not because you were amazing and things went south....
i hurt and i cry out of my own stupidity.
i believed you.
i trusted you.
i shared things with you i didnt share with anyone in a long time.
i let you in to parts of my life that no one has seen before.
you proved to only be selfish and conceited and arrogant.
instead of hearing my pleas for change, you accused me of accusing you.
instead of evaluating yourself and your own behavior, you lashed out in the most unkind tones.
you took to ignoring me when i reached out to you.

so i guess... in this brief moment i reflect on my stupidity.
in this brief moment i sink a little deeper into my tear and snot soaked comforter to find a small amount of comfort.
i doubt you will ever think you were in the wrong.
but your mother who has never even met me was right...
you dont deserve me.
you pushed me away and you lost me.

i waited 6 years for another of your kind to come forward on his promises and be the man he promised he'd be.
he never did.
i learned that lesson the hard way.
so now, round three, fists down... i give up.
you win.
enjoy your beautiful reflection, the sound of your own voice, the warmth of your own self, and the benefits of being alone.
maybe if you dare to date again, try to remember the things i told you so much that they began to seem dream-like in its repetitive nature:
"girls like to be made to feel thought of and important.
we like to be asked on dates where someone just plans something no matter how simple.
we like surprises no matter how small or cheesy.
letting someone know you care about them and are thinking about them doesnt take much time or any money.
it's ok to let your guard down and be gushy and dorky. 
dont watch us cry and yell at us.  it's kinda mean.
don't ditch us to get drunk with your friends.
don't forget about plans you make with us no matter how short the time is that we were going to hang out.
listen to us when we have things to say, especially if we keep repeating that we feel hurt and irrelevant to you."

so, i guess my brief moment has passed.... i've cried out my stupidity.  i've cried out my sadness.
tomorrow is a fresh start with you and all of this in my past.

Monday, June 16, 2014

the older i get, the harder i fall

i swear to it... i'm a sucker.
im so easily duped sometimes it's ridiculous.

i think about all of the fads that flash before me to get thin quick or have a healthier lifestyle or have daily happiness or a successful relationship.

i buy into all of it.

worst of all, im too trusting.
the older i get, the harder i fall.

why is that so, you might find yourself asking?

because i've given up.
ive given up believing that what i want is tangible and real.
i am blindsided by really elaborate promises and words and when all the words prove to be are brittle bits of dust to choke on, it's too late, im in too deep, and there i fall.

all i want is someone who wants to spend time with me; someone who is proud to be with me and can't get enough of me.  someone that knows how to be thoughtful and cute and sweet and realizes that showing someone you care or taking a girl on a date doesn't have to cost a dime.... that it doesn't even require any effort.... just thought if the person really means anything at all.

and i never do.
im a warm body so they don't feel lonely.
im a chaueffer.
im the glutton that eats the lines and lies.
im the one that puts in attention and thought and instigates conversations and love.
im always left hanging, dry, and empty.

no more.
i would rather be alone the rest of my life than deal with one more immature, selfish, little boy that does not know how to properly treat a lady.
im all for being gushy and cute on someone and have to say i am a thoughtful girlfriend, but when no effort is put my way in return and it's all "i was gonna do this" or "one day we should do that" and never any concrete, visible signs.... im done.
like i said, it's far too easy to pick someone a flower to show you care or write them a note or surprise them with a visit or take them for a hike or make them dinner or give them a back rub after a long day...

i deserve to matter to someone and until someone proves to me i can matter to them without lying to me and cheating on me or feeding me empty promises of coulds and woulds and shoulds.... when someone effortlessly loves me and doesn't let me doubt it for a second... i will not settle or put up with anything less.

maybe i sound bitchy or pretentious or needy or greedy.... im tired of being the one to upkeep a relationship all on my own.  im tired of being neglected and forgotten....i deserve to feel loved and valued too.

it seems to get worse as i find men my own age, but.... maybe somewhere out there someone is a kind and gentle soul.  maybe somewhere out there my dorky robot boy has my birthday balloon for me and a dorky mix cd.  maybe one day he'll hold my hand and kiss my cheek and sit with me in blissful silence smiling because that is what makes sense.

maybe one day.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

stop and read the signs

i had to watch an xray positioning video (ok more like 5 or 6 mini ones for a whole hours) and i was bored out of my skull.  i was at one of the doctor's desks and started noticing the amazing pictures he had from the 70s where his mustache was absolutely fantastic, his beautiful and large family, and all of the really inspiring quotes on his wall.  they were all about giving and being selfless and humble.  this one stuck out to me so hard and i can only hope to strive to put this into greater practice every day. 

so im sorry to be cheesy with a post about an inspirational quote, but i notice (myself included in this lump sum of persons) that there is SO much complaining going on around me about what isnt, and how things arent fair, and the have nots.... this stuck out to me and i thought id share cos i know i could sure use this reminder too....

"promise yourself::
to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind. to talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person that you meet. to make all your friends feel that there is something in them. to look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true. to think only of the best, to work only for the best, and to expect only the best. to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are for your own. to forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future. to wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile. to give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others. to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.
- dr. lindsey dewey pankey"