Saturday, December 28, 2013

end of another year or beginning of a new decade?

so 2013 is coming to a close and i no longer have my overnight shift at the group home to dwell on my previous year on the eve of the new one.
so this year, a few days early, i am writing a most drab little blurb about the past year while bubs naps and apparently i cant stop dreaming about soy sauce.

i dont do resolutions.
in fact, i don't really make goals.
i think.
i reflect.
and if you know me well enough, i ramble.
oh my good golly i can ramble.

this year i turned 30.  that is a very different age than anything in my 20's could have prepared me for.  i got to experience half of 2013 as a late twenty-something and the other half as a thirty year old.

i started out believing age was just a number and that i was me and i was unstoppable.
30 proved me wrong.
i started out believing i could party and be a dumbass and come and go as i please with no feelings or pain or relationship fouls.....
30 proved me very wrong.

i started out this year so hopeful, began to believe this was the worst year of my life, and now i am ending understanding that the ebb and flow of things... the peaks and valleys, highs and lows, excitements and tragedies are all a part of this beautiful existence we daily get to witness.

i got to be a part of so many different peoples' lives be it for a moment or for the whole year with promise of more.  i got to experience pain and excitement with others and on my own.

so captain ramblepants, what did you learn?
some funny things:
-gym memberships are bunk
-i like eating and that is OK
-don't eat your feelings cos your grocery bills skyrocket and your jeans wont fit the next week
-no is an ok word to say unless it's to coffee.... there's always room for coffee
-dont fear color
-blow bubbles in the house
-cut off all your hair just because
-having a kid is a great excuse to get out of stupid shit you dont wanna do
-twitter is just not for me.... in fact, im not the largest fan of the interwebs any more
-tell someone you like them even if it's multiple times and amounts to nothing but making them blush

some serious stuff i learned:
-BE HONEST.... one tiny little white lie could ruin very innocent intentions and just telling the truth could be the greatest bridge the expanding gap needed
- LOVE YOURSELF.... i have battled, not just struggled, with my body and my identity and just who i am as a person and i came to find this year IT IS ALL BULLSHIT.  we live in a very vain and narcisistic society that prides itself on this NEED to get attention for looks.   i would like to be healthy and not to fit into smaller jeans, lose the stomach pooch i got from being pregnant, or for some asshole to like me.  i realized the first step to actually even BEING healthy or having the ability to upkeep good self health is to LOVE YOURSELF.  stop critiquing every little thing about yourself or what you said or did or how it was received by others.  SELF HEALTH is important.... more important than a tiny waist.
-spend time with those you love.  shut the computer and phone off for like 15 min and listen to a kid and you will realize they hold the key to truly living.
-STOP!!!! stop worrying about things that are outside of your control.  stop worrying about things you cant change and shit, STOP WORRYING ABOUT MONEY!  there will never be enough, tough times will always be had, and most bills will probably  be late or unpaid for a few months.  bill collectors will always be calling and that is that.  it wont be forever tho.  it's just for right now.  do you REALLY want to spend your whole life stressing about something you cant control?  i mean, shit, i work and get paid and kind of get some child support but sadly being a single mom means one income and the expenses for two outweigh the income of one.  that's just how it is and i can only do so much.
-DO NOT EVER let people walk all over you.  STAND UP FOR YOU because if you don't no one ever will and YOU matter.

so yeah those are a little nuggets that have impacted me greatly.
im mostly beyond thankful to end this year with beautiful new friends that appreciate and love me for ME.  i can be quiet and a hermit.  i can be loud and strange.  i can just BE ME and that is OK with them.  we are there for each other in good times and sad times and bad times.  we crack jokes and have laughs.  they are thoughtful and beautiful souls that i am so extremely glad to know.  im beyond thankful for a new roommate who happens to fit the above description.
more than anything, i am thankful for my partner in crime.  this lil bubs has taught me about what love really means, what sacrifice means, and how rewarding it is to be a mom.  dont get me wrong, she is a pain in the ass a lot of times, causes me stress and headaches, and def gives me a sore throat from time to time from having to repeat myself but.... that kid.  sometimes she just gives me a look or does something goofy and i realize that i may not have everything in my life organized and clean and just right, but i am loved more than one person should be and i think that gives me a one up on many!

so, reflect on your good and bad year and hopefully yours ends with some positive reflections or my own sappy reflections help you realize some good moments in a year of possible bad ones.

love in this new year.  be kind in this new year.  yes to others but holy shit TO YOURSELF TOO!!!!  we are sometimes our own worst critics and so fucking mean to ourselves.  we cause our own misery and pain.  i recall myself saying "i wish someone was nice to me" too many times this past year and the reason i kept repeating it was because I WAS THE  MEANEST OF ALL and spent more time with myself than anyone else.  be brave in this new year.  take chances, open yourself up to new and good things that you fear.  i know im going to try to.  im going to.

im not sure if all of these newfound reflections have to do with the end of this year or the beginning of my new decade but regardless... hope you enjoyed cos if it has to do with either.... we're in luck?  so that being said, merry 2014 everyone (a little early). 

Saturday, December 14, 2013


i must say i am slightly embarrassed at some of my previous posts...
i learned a major lesson today.
i talk TOO MUCH.

i talk and i am a really poor listener.
it was eye opening to look at someone's face while they spoke.... someone i care about so much and so honestly.... and to see the hurt and the fear and the sadness in their face.... to listen to the words they were saying and trying to say and to understand how hard it WAS for them to say....

i feel so ashamed at myself.
so ashamed for being so close minded and opinionated and selfish with my perceptions.
i would like to live in this humility more often because it definitely brought me back to a place where i want to appreciate others and let them know how much they mean to me.... to truly LISTEN to others and feel their joy or pain or excitement.

that's the kind of life i want to live.
one where i SHUT UP more.

Monday, December 9, 2013

better off dead

i should have let it die.
it was better off dead.
and now i wait expecting and hoping for some small morsel of an answer.
i get lies.
i get excuses.
i get fragrant and delicately played out patterns of word and malice of forethought.
i get bullshit.

i stand over this rotting carcass expecting it to come to life and tell me the story of its demise.
i expect some beautifully tragic story that will tug at my heartstrings and cause pity to flow from my eye sockets.
i stare long and hard enough that i cause it to move.
i cause it to come alive.

this mirage.
this dancing image where nothing remains.
nothing but a cold, lifeless corpse.

it's gray and cold and foggy.
the only color escapes between your lips.
like the beacon of light from a lighthouse luring ships in to safety.
yet that smile is hiding a demon.
only i seem to see you for what you are because i bear the scars from your razor sharp teeth.
your razor sharp teeth that i let sink into my skin for one too many moments.

and i hurt.
i stare at the scars and i hurt.
i remember what you so quickly and easily forgot.
you played the part so well.

but once the play ended, you had no need to know the lines.
the right things to say and the directions telling you how to be were no longer necessary.
you faded.
you faded so quickly.
end scene.

an insomniac's ramblings

i cant sleep.
i mean, ok, i was asleep for 4 whole hours and woke up to sneezing and a burning throat, but ....
just lately....

lately you cause my mind to race and not at all in the good way.
lately i can't stop thinking of my blind stupidity.
lately i cant stop imagining your smug and vacant glare....
your faux-furrowed brown of discontent.
how my words just ricocheted off of your cold and calloused heart and like pointed arrows, came back and pierced my warm flesh.
your curt and brief words like daggers in your palm easing themselves gently beneath my shoulder blade tearing a seamless line down my back.
how carefully and gently you ease it downward.
you whisper "shhhh...." while i gasp in the horrified shock.
and then i gasp for air.
i claw at the water above my head like a panicked woman drowning.
i fight and i climb in a desperate attempt to find some source of life.
i lie on cold concrete, gravel beneath my fingertips.
i lie on cold concrete, tracing the grooves of the pavement finding eloquent patterns and hoping for some cryptic message etched in stone.
i search for the words that everything is going to be alright.
i scour my findings for the urban legend of the girl who got back up.
why am i down here? i find myself wondering aloud.
why do i even care?
there is salve for the wound in my back.
there are sutures to mend my lacerations.
there is nothing to ease my fall but there is so much to help me back up.
why am i still down here?  i find myself wondering aloud.
why do i even care?
you are one of many.
you are one of many but i am rare.
covered in scars and bruises, i have stories.
each scar represents one of your kind that has been so reckless and cruel.
you are a lemming.
in the end you will plummet to your fate and hit the uncomfortable bottom.
you will find yourself on this same, cold concrete tracing grooves in the pavement searching for some hopeful message etched in stone.
you are a lemming for today still.
a lemming with a mouth full of arrows and your faux-furrowed brow of discontent.

maybe im a masochist

so im sanding down some old shitty pieces of a bookshelf to make new wall mounted shelves for my books and clear up some clutter.
i am covered in dust and began to think of what sanding really does...
scraping the surface and exposing the fibers of the wood for something fresh and new.
but still the old hangs around... this dust just covering things until the wood and all remaining surfaces are wiped clean...

i told him everything.  every word i typed out for like 4 pages came out.  i sound like an idiot girl but i realized that's what i am.  i am someone that cares more than they should and cant figure out why....
maybe im just a masochist.
maybe i just crave this pain to feel normal.
i've gotten so used to being on the defense that ever letting anyone in and close is foreign.
not being on the continuous defense doesnt feel right.

i went back through old messages he'd sent and apparently i'd said this all before in july.
i guess i am a masochist for opening this can o worms again.
i guess i want answers and not excuses.

Sunday, December 1, 2013

what does the word DATE even mean anymore?

frankly i am appalled.
where am i meeting these self righteous arrogant .... dicks?
is it really a common thing now a days to whip your shit out to any girl that says she'll come over for a drink?

what happened to the days of asking a girl out on a friday or saturday night and taking her out and treating her like a PERSON?
yes im all for being equals and the man not shouldering the cost of the whole date but.... shit, cant a guy even offer to take me somewhere other than his room?

i realized something last night while in an awkward position....
im better than this.
i deserve better than this.
if someone doesn't want anything to do with getting to know ME as a real live person.... if someone has no interest in ME as a whole human with thoughts and opinions.... FUCK OFF.

i don't need to be treated like a pocket pussy.
they make those and sell those if that's what someone is after.
i have more value than a suctioning piece of latex or whatever it's made out of.

for now, i will drown my disgust and lose myself in music and coffee.
im growing hopeless that someone will be kind enough to take me on a real date and want to get to know the real me and let me get to know them as well, but... maybe ill be surprised one day.
til then, im on a very serious hiatus.

if you insist you want to get to know ME, newsflash: the real ME is not between my legs beneath my underpants. 
the end.