Sunday, July 29, 2012

forced hiatus

so i took a break from school for 3 weeks and apparently took a break from dealing with things.  of course fatigue makes each thing that surfaces an overwhelming thought and emotion.
recently i was challenged with the concept of 'home' and find myself thinking more and more about it.  home has nothing to do with the state you live in or blood relatives in a building or even anything tangible.  home is this feeling of comfort and peace and just.... smiles.  at least to me.  i mean that is far from what i grew up with but it's always what i imagined it should be.
i long for that place more than i can even put into words.  and it feels so far away and like such a foolish thought.  i hold myself back from so much because ...............
I AM A BIG LIAR.
I AM THE BIGGEST LIAR OF THEM ALL.
it took 14.5 hours in the car on a solo road trip for me to figure this out about myself.  i pretend to be so calloused and indifferent.  i pretend to like doing this all by myself.  i pretend.  i am nothing more than an actor reciting lines i heard spit out at me from people much stronger than myself and with ideals very different from my own.
all i really want is somewhere to call home.  yes i have my A and she's my world, but.... it's not the same.  it's not really what im getting at here. 
i've felt it before.  i miss it.  i wonder if it could in fact be a reality one day but at this point i am feeling rather hopeless about it or maybe that i've been looking in the wrong place.  or maybe that due to my fears and indifference that i missed out all together.
i either speak too soon or say too little too late.
god or fate or whatever controls my tongue.... really we are off in our timing somewhere.  i wish for once the universe and my stupid thoughts and feelings would be in sync and be at the right place at the right time.

this is probably one of the girliest posts i've written.  i feel really exposed and am contemplating pushing the 'publish' button.  but maybe out there in the world of the internets there is someone, male or female, older person or youngin that shares my train of  thought rambling itself off track.

i want to be home.  i dont feel home right now.  im second guessing every person that crosses my path and everything i think or feel.  i dont want to settle again.  im so afraid to fuck up.  im so afraid to make the wrong decision.  it's fear that has put me in the position im in now and it's fear that will keep me here.

i just am finally honest about one thing.... im a liar.  im not cold and bitter.  in fact, deep down im a total mushy gushy sap.  i hide it cos it's easier to not get hurt that way.  now that i've just exposed all my girly thoughts tho.... we'll see what's next.