Tuesday, May 29, 2012

a happy little tidbit amongst all the uncomfortable change

so i went for a jog today.  pushing 30 pounds in a jogging stroller of all things was grueling and barely 10 min in my knee was giving me crap so i had to stop and walk.  but i kept walking and tried to jog some more but ended up walking 2/3 of my anticipated run.

it was nice tho.  just to clear my head and have a chat with my audrey.

i put her in the car and remembered something J taught her to say.  he told her to say "LIFE IS PAIN" when she falls down and starts crying.  i find this to be awful and probably the most terrible thing to teach a 2 year old.  so when i was buckling her in her carseat i looked at her and said "audrey, life is... GOOD." and she repeated it and the smile on her face was intoxicating and contagious.  the whole ride home she made eyes at me in the rearview mirror and kept going "mommy, life is GOOD."

that was enough to make my day to teach my 2 year old daughter that life is NOT pain.  life has pain but regardless of what is going on and how catastrophic the world may be exploding all around you, life is good. 

so there is my happy little tidbit amongst all the uncomfortable changes i am having to make in my personal life and in my self.  above everything, i have a bitty toothed reminder that life is good and worth smiling about no matter what.

i didnt think i could make it.  for so long i was fearful of leaving J cos i didnt think i could do it.  but every day my grades stay at A's and my house is clean and our bills are paid miraculously and we're fed, every day that audrey sings me johnny cash songs and gives me cuddles and smiles and hugs, i have a tiny reminder that life has highs and lows, ups and downs, pain and smiles, but above all, above all of those trivial little things i put so much effort and stress and conscious thought into, life really is good.

life and all its unpleasentries

i don't know what's been going on lately... it feels as if for the past week or so, it has been non stop learning and growing and changing and realizing about myself.  it is thoroughly exhausting.  i hate to say that i hate it, but i do. i mean, who wants to be humbled to that level EVERY day?  who wants to face their uglies and atrocities and plain ol yuck behaviors and thoughts?
it hurts.
it hurts to see how selfish ive been.  it hurts to see what a self centered, horrible friend ive been.  it hurts to see that i cant rejoice with others highs and share with their lows.  it hurts that i get jealous when others are happy because im not in that moment too.  i almost hate to see others succeed cos i think to myself "what about me?  when's my time?"  i mean really kelly haines?  really?  ME ME ME!  MY MY MY MY!  how much more awful could i get?
the main lesson that keeps ringing home is that life is so much more about me and what i want and feel i deserve.  i hate to sound pessimistic cos im not attempting to but what if life isnt about what you get from it?  what if it is all about what you give? 
it kinda reflects on a point that a friend was making the other night when we were all chatting.  he basically brought about the point of perception.  what if the way we're living is based off a ton of misconceptions?  what if instead of assuming things are one way and meant one way, that we try not to decode and decipher everything and just take things for what they are? 

i mean honestly i keep getting hit over and over again that life is much bigger than ME.  i mean i have my residents and audrey to care for every day and whether im in a good mood or bad, that doesnt change what they need or who they are or WHAT KIND OF DAY THEY ARE HAVING?  what a fog of selfishness i live in and how EASY it is to do.  the circle of friends i have that i call my family, when do i ever stop to call or text and ask how their day was?  i can't say i have thought about that for a while.  i wait til time has distanced us and then try to repair burned bridges.

maybe my current funk would be lifted if i would just stop living in this day dream where i matter most of all, because I DONT.  yes, i need to learn to take care of myself and let people help me.  yes, i do.  BUT.... the haze of self that i live in on a daily basis is exhausting. 

so, im taking another step to move forward in my growth as a human being on whatever time i have left on this planet to just give until there's nothing left.  if im meant to have anything, it will come when its meant to..... ie, my dorky robot boy, someone to come around just hold my hand and give me a hug sometimes, a whole load of money and getting rid of this god awful house, being happy and having a social life.  i mean, these things will come as they are meant to and the more i try to force them to be and feel like im being cheated because i "have not" the more selfish and miserable of a creature i become.

what a sad life to live walking this planet in such a state of self.  the world is much bigger than I or ME.  the world is full of unloved people and helpless people and people that just need a smile or a "how are you doing?" or even a note written in secret to let them know their value.

i have a lot to learn and a lot of growing to do.  it's exhausting and hard, and gosh darn it some days it really sucks.  it would be so easy to just ignore all of the change that is going on and that needs to take place.  but i cant ignore it.  i dont want to be this shell of a kelly i was made to be. 

so, i guess i have a lot of work ahead of me. 

Sunday, May 27, 2012

a bull in a shit shop?

i honestly read things i've written months ago as an outlet of expression for the pain or angst or even remote happiness i was feeling at the time.
i've come to a conclusion dear world, and by world i mean whatever person sees this and feels like reading into the inner workings of my attempt at a brain.

i think i am far to abrasive for most.  i don't like being bullshitted with.  don't dance around the issues.  give it to me straight.  don't ignore me if you don't like being around me or don't want to see me ever again.  don't tell me you're busy if you in fact want me to leave you alone.  don't tell me you're "finding yourself" if you're simply into someone else.  don't tell me we're friends if you talk shit about me.  don't tell me we're friends if you never want to hang out with me (and i know i have busy friends so i don't mean you at all).  don't tell me you like my songs if you are going to insult me behind my back.  i don't like people holding back how they feel towards me, good or bad.  if i wrong you, i expect you to tell me so i don't do it again.  if i hurt you, i expect you to tell me.  if i make you happy or feel important or loved or amazing, i expect to hear that too. 

on another note, i WILL tell you what i think of you.  i will also tell you when you upset me or hurt me.  i will be honest and upfront and forward.  i can see how that's a turn off for many male and female, friend and "friend" alike.  i don't care though.

i've spent far too much of my life being bullshitted, lied to, cheated on, and have put myself in the company of far too many fakes and phonies.  i have spent countless hours listening to meaningless dribble about make up and fashion and hot guys.  i have spent countless hours listening to peoples' recaps of their weekends and all of the many times that they got laid.  i have spent weeks listening to drunken recaps that i could honestly give a hoot about.

basically, i don't want to be bullshitted with.  i expect people im around to be as real as i try to be every day.  be honest, upfront, forward, intuitive, aggressive, and humble.  be simple, be real, and  be open.  that's how i live my life and that's how i expect the people around me to be as well.

yes, not everyone is as social as i am.  everyone comes from a different background with a different story and there are many reasons why they can or can not be the way i expect them to be.  maybe a lot of my issues with others is that i hold them to these standards that they simply can not fit.

well, if that's the case, maybe i need to reevaluate who i am choosing to surround myself with and who i am spending countless hours investing emotionally into.

maybe this year, i will be getting to know myself far better than i intended.

Friday, May 25, 2012

funny how cleaning up literal shit makes you think of all of your personal shit

my overnight shifts could be much better spent than me cleaning toilets and listening to my resident singing herself to sleep and suddenly getting metaphor after analogy about the nonsense called my life.

i need to throw out a disclaimer.  this post is very candid, very personal, and is probably going to make me sound whorish.  im aware, but i have no problems sharing my life.  it is what it is and i take no shame in that.  my choices have shaped who i am as a person and daily i am realizing the good and the bad.  this time, im realizing some bad.

so, i had my ex J.  after we split he wasted no time getting a new woman, so i figured, why not just go on dates.  i mean, really, in the 4 years J and i were together, i don't really know that we went on more than 3 dates that he actually planned.  so i did.  i went out with, let's call him Mr. Z.  now, i can't really blame Mr. Z.  i was in relationship mode and he was not and he really liked my kiddo and seeing them play together freaked me out and so i stopped talking to him.  then him having lots of female friends along with the males, weirded me out and my psycho female brain went into overdrive.  we took a hiatus and since, i'd say we're better friends.  don't ask Mr. Z though.  i don't want to know what he'd say haha.

next came a friend i'll call Mr. Y.  Mr. Y was a close friend for a while and we hung out.  it was nice to talk to someone my own age since Mr. Z was much younger than I.  i started to fall for Mr. Y as i was still in relationship mindset.  Mr Y made it clear he wanted nothing of the sort.  so, we remained friends.  then a situation arose where Mr Y thought we were dating and never talked to me about it.  so.......................... needless to say i nearly lost a friend over that one.

now here is where the timeline gets foggy cos i was hangin out with a few people at a time and i really don't know the order of things.  Mr C was just a friend with some benefits but he was a rare occurrence since i think he was lying to me about having a girlfriend and i might have been "the other woman."  Ben was.... sweet and thoughtful and a single dad and we hit it off great.  we both just wanted to be see each other casually and see where it went.  then out of nowhere he stopped talking to me and got VERY odd.  so there went that one.  then, there was Mr B.  Mr B oh jeez.  he also was younger than me and things moved VERY fast.  so much so that where i was comfortable with it, he panicked and freaked out and although, HE is the one that said much of the things that were making it move fast, he blamed it on me.  all of it became my fault to the point where it was like mental anguish.  here i had this guy texting me telling me he wanted to take me on proper dates and wanted to see where this went and he was GREAT fun, but sure enough, either me in general or me being a mom was too much for him to handle.  on occasion i will text him a hello, but he is content to not speak to me anymore.  then there was matt.  matt kinda iced the cake of "HOLY SHIT"  for me.  here is a real class act.  so we hung out and got a few beers, really had a blast, and even made plans to hang out again.  he was dorky, skateboarded, was an architect, and a divorced single dad.  he didnt mind i was a mom and his son was his whole world from what he said.  well, the second time he came over, he cooked dinner and brought it to my house and we watched 30 Rock and hung out and .... apparently his ex called 3x while we were eating and he called her on the way home.  the next day he tells me she's pregnant and he is going to pay for the abortion she requested but needed some time to clear his head before we hung out again.  and OH the joys of facebook exposing the lies lies lies of humanity.  i wonder sometimes if mark zuckerberg knew just what he was doing and how many lives he would ruin and consequently save with this social networking site.  that's besides the point.  so, i see on facebook he is with his ex at various restaurants for like 3 days in a row.  i shoot him a text.... not the psycho girl text but a "hey man, what's the deal?" kinda text.  what i get in response is "listen ms drama don't contact me ever again."  within minutes, he has blocked me and deleted me from facebook and refused to answer another message.  im assuming i was either the "other woman" again, or there was in fact, no abortion.  (don't get me wrong im not like advocating baby killing here just sayin....)

from there, a friend came and went to satisfy some needs and then there was Mr P.  Mr P had it all.  the looks i love, music.... and he was fun to hang out with.  but.... for some reason, just like always, im either just too much, read men totally wrong, or say yes to the wrong people.  he even gave me a lil keepsake of his ..... i of course was through the roof about it, but after a week or so of not talking to me.... id say its time that went in the trash.

in between there were many more emotional connections on my end that ended with me hurt as the gentleman of my affection went on to find another and left me wondering wtf i did wrong.

that is where i am at if you are still reading.  i need to stop thinking everyone is honest.  the world is full of lots of honest people yes, but lots of people are out for their own gain and will say anything to make themselves feel better or "get ahead" in some respect whether that's by having sex with a hot mom or making a woman feel like shit.  honestly, if you think i have sex with guys cos i have no self esteem and need to find worth somewhere, sorry youre wrong.  it's just great fun.  im more a true Cancer.  i'm emotional.  i thrive on emotional connections with PEOPLE.  i just happen to love the opposite sex SO much and they are SO not emotional people.  this is why im glad my best friends are usually guys.  i get so much good insight as to why i keep getting hurt.

damn the movies and all the romance novels in the world straight to hell.  they teach us to look for these things and want these things that are so superficial and unrealistic.  honestly, no guy talks like that or acts like that.  im sorry, but even the nicest are just not that way.  most of those are written by women or gay men anyway.  not that that's wrong but i mean, what dude that is a real "man's man" is gonna write about a woman getting swept off her feet by some charming, pure, honest man?  i mean the odds are so slim.

so what now for kelly?  what now?  well now, im stuffing my face with blueberries and grapes.
but what after?  i think i need to remember WHY i split with my ex.  i wasn't appreciated or valued or loved.  if no one can be that for me, then i will be alone.  and i don't know why the world teaches us to fear being alone.  somehow through tv and movies we are taught to idolize relationships and that being single is a curse.  it's MY time right now.  it's a time that hasn't been since.... oh.... 2006?  i have learned so much in 6 years about what i want and desires i have put on hold since i was 15.  my dorky robot is out there somewhere with a red balloon just for me (it's the tattoo i have drawn up for the next one).... he'll find me when the time is right, if the time ever comes.  all i know is that im not settling anymore.  i'm not having some cheap facade of a fling just to say that im not single.  and yeah here and there a girl's got needs but.... what im trying to get across is that it is no longer my focus.  my focus is to finish school, be a great mom, make music, and hang out with friends.  my focus is to make others smile and let others know how awesome they are.  my focus is to grow and change and be a better version of myself every day.  the robot with the red balloon is out there somewhere and he will be nice to me and be silly and dorky on me.

the moral of the story friends.... hold out for what you really want no matter how time consuming it is and how impatient you really are, a lesson i am reminding myself of daily.  i can't wait to blog about my happy ending and all of the lessons i learn in the time it takes to get there.

Saturday, May 19, 2012

an addendum to my previous note or rambling of thoughts if you will.

i've spent over half my life looking for this person, this (i hate to say) fictitious person that fits all these qualities (some superficial, but most not).  obviously since i have a kid, the proof is obvious that i've settled.  i've compromised my standards and given up.  i just get so tired.  it's like being on a road trip.  you feel like you've been driving forever only to look down at the clock and find that it's been almost 90 minutes.  BUT you're focused so much on where youre going and where youre not and where you are that you miss amazing sights.  i remember driving through wisconsin wishing the damn state would just END.  it was growing tiresome and i swore if i saw another quilt store i was going to defecate on it.  i feel like with life, with this journey im on, i have some destination, some place i need to be and want to go.  im in such a damn hurry to get there that im missing the green of the trees, the different shades of tan and gray on the rocks, the hidden little gems on the side of the road either man made or from mother nature.  i'm missing these amazing and almost breathtaking seconds that i can never get back simply because i am so fixated on my final destination.
maybe it's not so much the destination but the journey getting there.  maybe it's not so much what you'll see when you arrive, but what you'll see along the way.  maybe it really isn't so much THAT you got there, but how you got there.  i have a lot of letting go to do.  i need to let go of this ideal that i have put on a pedestal for roughly half my life.  this brown haired boy with perfect hands and feet, a nice smile and nice teeth, tall and lanky frame, amazing musical talent, drive and passion for life and the people and things in it, an old soul that thinks outside the way the world tells us to, a free spirit that isn't afraid of a ketchup fight,  someone that can laugh, and someone that just appreciates me and lets me appreciate them back.  as good and grand as all of these things are, maybe it's just time i let it go.  that old old saying "if you love something let it go....." the premise being that if theyre meant to be yours theyll return.  well maybe i need to let go of this want.  if it's meant to be it'll happen.
i stress this subject so much because i have so much love to give and i love sharing it.  but i have a daughter.  i have some hilarious and testy residents.  maybe im just meant to pour myself into them for now.  maybe it's not about me.  gasp.  could it really be that my life is not about my happiness and maybe more about giving of myself to others to make THEM happy?  gasp dear kelly.  gasp indeed. 


so very fitting that this song was on the radio when i was driving this afternoon.  then i saw a dragonfly and a butterfly.  the two of them seemed to be lingering by my side while i was sitting outside on my front stoop enjoying the 90 degree warmth.
my brain has been going 100mph lately and it is racing at speeds that are almost too much sometimes.  it is making me realize that i am at a crossroads in my life facing my biggest goliath yet.  PATIENCE.  ever since i was a kid i remember battling this hairy giant with tears and frustration.  my tiny rocks and slingshot against this mammoth of a beast.
hate to say that i am a 28 year old child but i still am.  i cry and kick and cuss and hissy fit at this monster.
for a long time, the monster was self esteem.  i was thinking that no one liked me and that i was worthless.  i felt unappreciated and unnoticed.  BUT now it's more.... i want someone to spend time with.  im at a point where i dont want meaningless flings week by week.  it's slightly embarassing that when i talk to people about my social life, i either don't know who they are referring to or they guess like 8 different names before i tell them who im talking about.
i want change.  im craving it like no other.
but here's the downfall in list form.
the very very very big #1, i have a kid.  not many males are ok with that.  it is almost like saying i have herpes or gonorrhea or something.
#2, i am very overbearing.  im aware of that.  ive been compared to a hyper puppy at times.  i get excited and show it.
#3, i am strong and know what i want.  i speak my mind and have no shame in that.
#4, im super affectionate and verbal about it.  i say how i feel and have no heebie jeebies.  again, something most men find as a turn off.

so where do i go from here?  maybe i wake up.  maybe i wake up and realize that patience is not the enemy.  without it, i would continously run head first into brick walls, suffering multiple "concussions" througout the remainder of my life.  maybe if i find someone im interested in, i dont vomit all my feelings and thoughts on them initially, cos 9 times outta 10, their true colors come out and either they get their ex pregnant, have a wife i don't know about, or end up being one shady ass mother fucker.

i learned my lesson last time not to change myself for someone.  because of that, i lost a passion of mine (music) and became a deadened version of myself.  sure, i was with someone, but.... they weren't with ME.  they were with a very watered down version of myself.

so again, where do i go from here?  i wish i had the answer.  i wish i knew how to slow down and be patient and for the love of god just SHUT UP!!!  not everyone needs to hear all the inner workings of my girlish heart.  i can see how that can be crazy scary.  i wish i had a filter.  i wish i had a brain sometimes.

im at the point in my life where i just want someone to hang out with, someone to talk to, someone to laugh with, someone to make inside jokes with, someone to make cupcakes for, someone to make me mix cds like when i was 15, someone to write me dorky notes even if it just says "hi" with a smiley face, someone to take walks with, someone to listen to rain with, someone to make music with, someone to hold my hair while i vomit, someone to give back rubs to, someone to hold my hand, someone to cuddle with, someone to sleep beside.  i want all these dorky little things that make life more enjoyable.  i want someone to see the brighter side of things with me or point it out when my eyes are too tired to see it.  i want someone to challenge my way of thinking and push me to be a better version of myself but never cause me to compromise my values or personality.  i selfishly want someone to write me a song.  i want someone to sit and smile with.  i want to be able to talk to someone without words- through a smile, a glance, or music.  i want someone to just get me and that i get and that no matter how far apart or close we are that there is never any paranoia or suspicion or jealousy or cattiness.  i want someone that has their life and lets me have mine.  i want someone that appreciates how hard i work and that im a single mom.  i want someone that is my friend.

where does this person exist?  probably on a far off planet.  i never used to know what i want and now it's almost like since i do know, im in a hurry to get it.  im reminded of "of mice and men" where lennie meant well but killed like EVERYTHING HE TOUCHED.  he wanted so badly to just love love love and show affection that he didnt realize his own strength.  he would go to pet a bunny and snap its neck in the process.  i do the same thing.  i get this cuddly little bunny and cuddle it and love it and BOOM off with its head and it's dead and cold before i can say "mix tape."

so patience, wherever you are, you scary beast of a frenemy, im waiting for you.  im waiting to slay you and win this battle.  i feel like im facing my toughest challenge in life thus far.  i thought growing a pair and thinking better of myself as a person was tough.... nothing could have prepared me for what im about to face.  the rejection, the DEjection, the highs and lows, and the tidal wave of tears and laughs that are about to come are going to be overwhelming.  but without facing this monster called PATIENCE, without staring him dead in the eye and not cowering in fear, i'll never be the person im meant to.  i'll always wonder what if and kill baby bunnies, and im no bunny killer or coward.

Saturday, May 5, 2012

so i mean yeah i watched garden state and that movie is full of over the top analogies from persons that probably don't think or speak that way in reality.  but it got me thinking in real time for the first time in a long time.

i hold back.  i know plenty of you that know me and hear me on a daily basis and the crap that comes out of my mouth would say otherwise.  but dear world, i hold back.  i can think of what i really want out of life and that is making music.  the happiest i was last week was hanging out, meeting new people, and ... well, i didnt make any but i listened to what other people made and hummed along while no one listened.
and then there's that.  my happiest moments were on stage getting lost in a song with my eyes closed, squinting and seeing the smiles on some peoples' faces.  i want that.  i crave that life.  that feeling of being completely awake and alert and seeing sights for the first time.  i want audrey to be able to have fun memories of her mom on stage and maybe even pursue that avenue herself.  i hold myself back so much with music though.  i don't know when it happened or what precise example i have to state why it is the way it is, but im afraid to fail. 

yes, i am 28 years old and afraid of a four letter word.

i remember the times where my music was mocked and not received, where i was mocked and not received and somehow it put this fear in me.  im afraid to let anyone down, mostly myself.

im tired of that.  im tired of it.  im tired of some airbrushed facade i live sometimes.  i pretend to be so confident and im not.  im more afraid than anything. 
all it does it make me do and say and feel such stupid things.

where do i start and where do i end? 

bleak thoughts aside, i decided through this long ass thought process that enough is enough.  im tired of being afraid and not realizing my full potential.  i was afraid to make a decision for 4 years regarding my ex.  i did it though.  i did it and things weren't ALL sunshine and lollipops, but.... the world is so much brighter.  why am i prepared to waste ANY MORE TIME holding back and not moving?  life is a great adventure and if im constantly strapped in the middle seat with my seatbelt on and never climbing out the window and hanging onto the roof of the car, i'll never feel what alive really means.  it would be sad to waste my years never knowing.

and then comes the lesson in humility

of course i just go on a rant about how i hate everyone for being such jerks cos im different and then.....
then i hear my sweet resident singing in her sleep.  i hear her roommate snoring.  i poke in and check on my other resident who is sound asleep in his odd position.  here are people that are truly ostracized for being different.  here are people that have a MORE difficult time finding acceptance among the masses.

and i complain about a handful of people thinking im loopy and not wanting to talk to me anymore?

i take so much for granted.  the fact that i can walk and speak for myself.  the fact that i can toilet and feed myself.  the fact that i am free to make my own decisions without needing prior approval.  the fact that i have a job and a house and a daughter that loves me no matter WHAT.  the fact that i probably have far more food in my house than i need for the 2 of us. 

i mean above everything, yes my life is humble.  yes, i go unnoticed.  yes, i get ostracized from being me.  but really, what does that matter in the grand scheme of things?

i look at my residents and they are the sweetest, most loving people (even on their bad days, i smile).  they notice when people stare and act funny around them.  they notice but they keep going.  they live and laugh and love with no shame. 

im reminded of SL.  oh how that man taught me to just laugh.  to just enjoy the simplest of sounds and laugh.  to get lost in the few moments of silence interrupted by some johnny cash before the chaos of the morning house routines began.  that man enjoyed the simplest of pleasures.  on his death bed, he still had room for ice cream and cheesecake with a smile through his pain.  moments like now i miss him.  i miss talking to him even though he couldnt have a conversation back.  i miss his smile and his laugh reminding me how easy i really have it.

im lucky i have this little family here to  remind me  of these things.  i think above all, i really am one of the luckier ones. 

and yes, i probably sound incredibly bipolar ... maybe i am and maybe i just needed to sit and be reminded of the grand scheme of things.  who knows the reason?  im just glad it clicked.

all the world is a stage

cos everyone is an actor.
meaning................ everyone is a liar.

i really don't understand it though.  honesty really is the way to be cos the truth comes out eventually.  for the love of god, people put everything sans their social security numbers and blood types on facebook.  you think you are hidden, but if you post it, it's public. 

i just wish people would own up.  there's no honor in being a liar and a coward.  that's all liars are anyway are cowards.  hiding behind some facade, some alternate persona, until reality bitch slaps them into consciousness.

i think personally that i just plain am giving up on the human population.  i see too much good  in people.  i see the best in everyone and i get LET DOWN HARD.  i believe everything everyone tells me and lack discernment and judgement.  i just don't believe that people are capable of some of the things that they do to me.

i get taken advantage of, lied to, cheated on, mocked, ridiculed, made out to be a fool, and ignored.  i don't enjoy it.  i did nothing to deserve it.

maybe i do say too much.  maybe my personality IS overwhelming.  maybe i love TOO much for some.  but what is so wrong with that?  why do we fear, hate, and ostracize what is different?  why can't we embrace alternate ways of thinking, living, loving and being?  life is far too short to be running from so much.

Friday, May 4, 2012

every scar is a story

my mind is racing
thoughts moving too fast to put the pen to the paper
layin awake
wonderin what there is left to believe in
i thought i had an idea
a vision
for somethin better
something serious
all it was was lies and turbulence
i dont want to settle for second best
so i hold out and keep hoping
for blue skies and sunshine
maybe all i need to see
is what's been buried deep inside
all that was pushed down and shoved out
spit on and turned down
maybe this is my moment
my hour
my time to get up and try
again and again and again til i get it right
knees bleeding from the falls
hands blistered from the climb
but im gonna try
again and again and again til i get it right
you wont know me like this
i wont be this way forever
right now you got the upperhand
you seem better
got your girl on your arm
while i sleep alone at nite
got money in your pocket
while im bled dry
the funny thing is man
i dont mind my cuts and scrapes
im gonna be better from all of this
im not ashamed
every scar is a story
i have no fear to recall
im gonna be better from all of this
gettin up again and again from my falls