Thursday, January 31, 2013

SHIT for a therapist

im starting to realize i need a thesaurus because this is my go to word for everything lately.

on that note, just be prepared to read a lot of that word in this long string of rambling thoughts.

maybe its dehydration and delirium.  maybe it is the very fast moving course of events that have been going on lately or maybe it is the fact that i constantly throw myself head first into everything, that i am overwhelmed with thoughts beyond the speed my fingers can type.

so here goes.
here begins the mindless ramble which is probably where most would tell me to go get a new psychiatrist or something to which i reply, "why are you still reading?"

i dont know what the fuck i want.
some days i want someone to give a shit about me.  i want someone to be dorky and sweet on me and just give a real god damn about my existence and my life and just let me know i matter.
other days i just want to be left alone.  i dont want to be bothered or needed or wanted or anything.
then there are the days i just want friends.  i want the friends that are real people that give a shit and arent FULL of shit.  the ones that will be there regardless and know that im there too.  the ones that dont ditch you or forget youre alive until no one else is responding to their last minute "let's go out" texts. 

i seem to be in this heavy imbalance.
i want a giant RESET button on my life to take the chances i didnt and not waste the opportunities i had for a person or out of fear or because of my own self defeating thoughts.


some days i can look at my current state and only see that.
other days i love my little shit puddle .... like when cars leak whatever fluid and there's like a little rainbow in the puddle.... that's my life... a little shit puddle rainbow. 

i cant complain entirely.  there's good.  and mostly the good i have is bubs.  i have determination now too to do better FOR bubs.  i have drive and stupidity (in a good way) that i didnt have years ago.  fineeeeee ill take that good.

but overall, i just want shit to make sense.  i want to wake up and know what i want and have shit figured out.  im the type of person that thrives off manuals and instructions.  i need life to have a big fucking "THIS IS HOW IT WORKS" booklet to just let me know what buttons to push to make things happen and where to go to have shit figured out....not like a mindless drone.... just like... my own personal instruction manual.... the operating functions that make my life how it's supposed to be.... maybe im tired of learning or maybe im just tired.... of having to think and wonder and know....and wonder if i knew right?

i guess without admitting it, that's all most of us really want anyway.... for shit to make sense.

i envy the people ive met lately.  i envy that they can just do what they want and come and go as they please.  i envy them for getting to live out what they see for themselves and i ... i have bubs..... and cos of my baby bubs i have to make "responsible" choices.  i feel alone in those choices.  those moments suck the hardest.  i feel like im fighting this losing battle that seems to keep on going for someone else's amusement and entertainment.  when im already weak-kneed i keep getting told i have to get up and fight more.  some days i just dont want to.

so shit....
im trying so hard to remedy all my past mistakes at once i think the compass needle is spinning too fast and too furious (uh oh terrible movie reference now .... please dont stop reading).....

and i dont know why the fuck im typing all these rambling thoughts out for said internet world to potentially read and think "damn this chick is fucked up."

i dont know.
maybe i think somewhere out there in old interweb land that someone else gets this struggle and feels the same shit i do.  that maybe someone i view as having things together and having things "perfect" and getting to live out their ideals can clue me in that shit isnt what i think.... that they have their confused moments too...

maybe we're all just a little lost....
it's so easy to just see such a narrow scope tho.

maybe it's best to say i am completely overwhelmed. 
i want to do and be so much for so many people and then .... i guess for myself too.

i think i want more for me than these two hands can carry.
and i dont have anyone around to help lessen the load.
and some days i wonder if im too stubborn and thick headed to ever let anyone close enough to help me anyway.
im the jackass that if im on crutches, id still try to open the door by myself instead of letting anyone help me.... fucked up i know but its just how i am....

so yeah.... shit.
that's some shit.
i wonder what a therapist would say to all of this....

Friday, January 25, 2013

easily distracted

ever since i can remember, ive been on a pretty rigid schedule.
school, soccer, church group, work, homework...
and for this, i can admit it out loud, and not so very proud....
im a control freak!!!
i don't know what to do about it.
because now, i am figuring things out, meeting new people, finding new things i like to do... and my life feels more completely out of control than it ever has yet it is full of such good things.
i feel like im pulled in over a thousand directions, none of which are going to an actual destination at this point...

i graduate in sept.  so yes, school should be a major priority but with only 2 quarters really left, im getting a case of "senioritis" or whatever you want to call it and i am losing focus.  i hate that.

i want to make music and have something on the cusp of forming yet im not sure where in my already full schedule, im going to have time for all of that.  but it's something i want so bad.  i am so so envious when i see people performing or i listen to a new album someone's made.  half the shit i hear on the radio isn't even good and yet i hide myself like im some bastard child with 17 chins and 7 extra limbs.  i act as if im some disgrace that should go unnoticed when .... im not.  and i shouldnt.

i wanna train muay thai.  i need to get my ass going and get healthy.  that is a major priority for me this year.  all i've found since january 1st is that i am more accident prone than i have ever known and that i am not all making the decisions that i intended to or should.

which brings me to my next dilemma, finding time to hang out with people.  my goal every year is to make new friends and meet new people and when i do, most often i actually want to hang out with them and now i find myself stuck for time with the shittiest of all schedules and barely a spare moment to shower or shit than even be around another human remotely my age.

i feel like im trying to do and be too much all at once.  and this, this is how my clumsy ass fell down the stairs the other day and ended me up in urgent care for the afternoon.  i am a pile of " to do lists" and swept up broken dreams im still fighting to see a reality.

and no, im not quitting.  i think i spent the first year away from J figuring myself out again- finding my identity that i so quickly let go of to "belong" to someone.  it took a year of broken hearted nonsense and aimless wandering to find my place.  i finally feel like i get myself, my perspective, my point of view, my beliefs, my values, and my goals.  i feel like i have a direction to go in- just too many directions i want to go in right now!

the problem here is that i flood myself with so many wants and desires all at once that my life is kind of like the current state of my room- open drawers and closet doors with hangers and clothes and dryer sheets all over the place.  there is no order.... just pure chaos.  there's no sense, just pure confusion.  and i really hope to get my mess sorted, to organize things and give everything its proper time and place.

but maybe the real lesson is that i need to let go, to relinquish control of my affairs and wants to whatever is controlling this spinning orb and universe.  maybe i do just need to let the wind blow me in whatever direction it chooses and not have a set order in which my day is supposed to go.  maybe i need to remember that every day im alive is another gift to get shit done, be a good human, and enjoy whatever comes my way.  so yeah, maybe some days i am lazily baking in my kitchen.  maybe other days i am sledding with bubs.  maybe sometimes im out with people drinking and dancing my white ass off.  maybe sometimes i am helping a friend thru a shit time.  regardless of what my day turns into... im not in control of it.  im not in control of any of this.  

all i can do is take each minute as it comes and enjoy it and let things happen as they may.  so, let's see what's next.... 

Friday, January 11, 2013

my coordination skills are highly lacking

i kinda feel like life throws us curve balls to keep us humble and grounded.
but life, don't you know how uncoordinated i am?
i fall UP stairs.  i drop almost everything.
i have ZERO dance skills.
shit, i cant even play video games for this reason.... i mean like old school nintendo i kinda got after a few games cos like ya know there were up and down arrows and A and B buttons.  newer consoles are like 20 button controllers and holy shit i just dont get it.  i don't have those skills.
i cant drive a stick shift either.  too much goin on.  just gimme like a gas and a break pedal and that is plenty.
im not a good multi-tasker either.  i am the crazy lady with like 14 to do lists all over the place, be it in my backpack and purse, or on one of the 4 whiteboards and 3 calendars in my house...

so yeah... this situation im in came just when i was feeling ok.
just when i was feeling like maybe this year would be profitable and that there were good things on the horizon.
all good things have a price though, as dismal as that sounds.
hard times build character, right?
cliche, bullshit line but it's true.

i feel like ive been here before too.
i feel like dec 2011 i was in this same place of panic and fear.
i feel like i had the same horrid bags under my eyes from lack of sleep and had the same puffy eyes from crying in fear.
and shit, i made it.... i made it a full year because i have really amazing people by my side and backing me up and giving me a hand when i fall down.
this time, yeah my army of friends and fam is much smaller and help is limited, but.... i made it before and i can do it again.

so hey life, my coordination skills are highly lacking, but go ahead.... throw your curve ball.
i may miss.  i may lose.  i may have the crowd boo'ing me back to the dugout but.... ill just keep trying until i hit it.  and i may not even hit it far.  i may just tap the damn thing a few feet.  the point is, ill make it eventually.

end of the 3rd, 2 rounds left

today was a breaking point, a meltdown of catastrophic proportions.
and all right in front of bubs.

i spent the better half of our morning together crying hysterically over things far outside of my means of control.

thank goodness for the cookies we made the other day.
thank goodness for bubs performing with her microphone and harmonica and feeding me toy cake.
thank goodness for loving texts and facebook messages to let me know that i have love and support even though i feel broken and alone.

this is so hard.
im really at a loss and am far more in the hole than i ever dreamed.
and J is still scott free doin his thing while im stuck with a house i didn't entirely want in a neighborhood that is terrible with not very many options on how to get out of this financial shithole. 

im sure this is the part in the fight where im counted out, bloody and stumbling.  end of the 3rd round, the bell sends me back to my corner.  the doc and my coaches want me to throw in the towel.  blood is dripping into my eyes and they are near swollen shut. 

here comes the clincher.
do i quit or carry on?

im still not much for quitting.
i cant see, i cant breathe, and im sure my nose and ribs are broken.
but i shake it off and get to my feet, hands ready to fight.  im staring my opponent down....

i have 2 rounds left in this title fight.
let's see what happens next.

the bell comes the 4th.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

rain in january

it's weird.

i figure, it's minnesota and it should snow, not rain, in the winter month of january. 

another reminder that life does not always follow the course that i see fit.  another reminder that life will do what it does.  so, today, it rained in january.

i had the most OFF of days today.  my mind is pretty overwhelmed.  i made some really poor choices the past few years and now physically, emotionally, and unfortunately very much financially, i am severely paying for it.  and im overwhelmed and freaked out beyond belief and annoyed and frustrated. 

i try to think that right now is just temporary.  that right now is just a plateau or a valley that im in...a dark, eerie, wide open valley.  no where to hide.... i just have to run....

and i have to run at a pace that is too fast for my feet.  and my asthmatic lungs can't keep up with my speed. 

and then i collapse.

i'm very very tired.  im very very burned out.  im very very alone.
at least it feels that way sometimes.... lately, most of the time.

this is not the course that i would have picked for myself.
this is the rain in january.

im trying to see the outcome and stay positive.  i started off feeling so hopeful and so elated a few weeks ago and now, reality is striking and i just want to ignore everything and hope it sorts itself out. 

it's like treading water.  you can't do it forever.  eventually the water creeps up higher and higher.  your arms and legs begin to give out on you.  your lungs cant support you.  and slowly, you sink.

im almost at the point where i feel as if just my mouth is at the surface grabbing any breath possible, holding on for dear life.  im waiting for someone to just come fish me out of the water and save me from the mess i made for myself. 

and for bubs.  my sweet, sweet bubs.... i just want her to have the most perfect life and.... i feel like i can see the finish line and she's waiting there so proud, but ... ugh i just want to quit sometimes.  i just want to give way to the fatigue and frustrations. 

right now i feel like the biggest fuck up and the worst parent of all time for how i set us both up for failure.  i tried to do too much for everyone else and was acting pretty damn selfishly and now.... im sadly paying for it and my pockets are empty.

i dont usually hate but i LOATHE my ex.  J has it so easy right now.  so very easy.  he's in the boat with a motor.  he doesnt have to row.  and my boat sank and im just trying to hang on and save my life.

i don't mean to sound so dismal and down.  it's just been a very off day.

today it rained in january.
today reality hit me with a hard left hook.
my vision is blurry..........
but im not out i suppose.....
i guess im trying to just stay on my feet and stay in the fight.
for me.
for bubs.
for us.
for tomorrow.

so let's see tomorrow what you have in store for me.

i guess the thing i like most about myself (and kind of hate sometimes too haha) is that i will not back down.  even when the odds are stacked against me and im in way over my head, i dont quit.  i cant.  i simply will not.  i like that both my grandmas have/had the same personality.  (only one is still around, the other passed away.)  they are stubborn and willful and thankfully i have that same tenacity. 

so yes, tomorrow, let's see what you have left.  im certainly down but very much not counting myself out.  i love being the underdog.  i love proving everyone wrong. 

so fuck you logic.  fuck you reality.  fuck you to all the nonsensical facts in my face telling me i cant and im going to fail and im going under.  FUCK YOU.  a big hearty middle finger to you indeed. 

yes, im tired and burned out and in way over my head.... but im still here.  my gloves are up.  let's go.

Sunday, January 6, 2013

reality strikes

im staring at the clock hoping that the minutes will just slow.
the shit storm that is my normal schedule is now starting up.  no more days off work, no more time without school and tests and homework.  back to muay thai.  back to having one day to do errands and having my house cleaning slowly fall to the wayside.  back to putting my guitar back in the corner until i have a real actual break from the chaos.

but i think about what i'm working towards.
a better life for me and bubs.
im working towards a license in limited scope xray and im working towards a certification in medical assisting.  im working towards a career with set times, better pay, and better hours for the things i want to do.
and i have plans for the money i make.

obviously i want a better house for me and bubs and a really nice kitchen so i can bake and a room with a record player and shelves full of vinyls and books.  those are my "selfish" spends.
but i really want to make enough extra to donate to my musician friends.  so maybe i will never make a name for myself in that scene or maybe it will just take time to when im done with my schooling.  regardless, i want to live in a way that i can help my friends that own labels or are musicians.  touring costs money.  making albums and merch costs money.  but i want to support them.  i want to help them succeed in the life they believe in.

so yes, right now, i cant spend my weekends at shows and my days off are rare and treasured.... but in a year or so this will all be worth it.  and then i can help in the way that i want to and see them make a name for themselves.

so to all my musician friends.... just you wait... i want to help you succeed in the ways that others have helped me.  <3

Friday, January 4, 2013

a night of introspection and introversion

i wanted 2013 to be a big year.
i wanted change.
i wanted amazing things to happen.

why, after 4 days in to the new year, am i feeling like i am crawling out of my skin with anticipation and restlessly awaiting some strike of lightning to catapult me into great things?

it has only been 4 days!!!!

i want to write great songs.
i want to meet amazing people.
i want to have adventures and fun.
i want to see new places.
i want to get my shit together and be rid of bad habits.
i just want big things to happen, positive things, happy things, new things.

i have 361 days to go.
hopefully my want will turn into drive and that drive will take me to all the places i could go.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

some words to remember

i may not be
                                                           or famous,
but i am anything but

and so i read a book

the last time i think i was ever so deeply emersed in a book was "things the grandchildren should know" by E of EELS aka Mark Oliver Everett.  i liked the way it was relatable and made me think.
and that's what "perks of being a wallflower" did for me.  my little sister had quoted it in a facebook status once and it just hit me that it would be a book id like.  and it was.  i sat reading it while audrey was napping.  i got so into it that i didn't really notice as the daylight was fading and the room was becoming darker.  things were clicking and sinking in and i got more familiar with charlie and his story.  i understood, and for the first time in a while, felt like i was understood.  i was squinting through the grayness of having pretty much no light to read by until page 213 was complete, down to the last sentence and period. then as i closed the book i realized it was 330, audrey was still asleep, and it was getting darker in my house.

anyway, there were so many spots in the book that i found so quotable and so i thought i would share those few and .... do my usual rambling....

"...because things change. and friends leave. and life doesnt stop for anybody." 
 so yeah.... this was the story of 2012 for me.  and the end part of this quote, that life doesn't stop for anybody, was the most eye opening part.  life is a constant revolution and change.  people will come and go.  life doesnt stop for anybody ... ever... and the loudest part screaming in my ears is that we are all involved in this.  just cos people are coming and going in my life and things are changing in my life, it isnt to say that the same pattern isnt going on in that someone else's life that is coming or going from my own.  it kind of opened my mind to the concept that we are all intertwined and related and that each cause has an effect.

"it's much easier not to know things sometimes. and to have french fries with your mom be enough." 
i love this quote not because i like my mom at all in any way, but because of the simplicity of this statement.  as a child we are so unintentionally ignorant to things.  we just know what we're told and what we've experienced and the simple things are the greatest trophies.  sometimes i wish i could go back to those childlike days where life wasn't bills and responsibilities and mortgages and work.  life was being told to go play and rewards didn't come in the form of a bonus check but came as a cookie or a trip to mcdonalds or something.  sometimes i think it would be better to live in that mindset.... it has its perks.

"i think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people." 
we can't as much as we want to, live for others.  it just doesn't make any sense.  you can't help others by living FOR them.  there was a story charlie was going back to where the premise was that you can choose to die for someone but you can't live for them.  you cant make choices and decisions for people.  you have to live for you and choose to share yourself and your experiences and your life with others.  what good are you to others any way if youre just living for THEM?  sure it sounds selfish but there has to be an element of selfishness in a person in order to better those around you.  if youre not constantly learning and growing and bettering yourself, youre no good to anyone anyway.  it's like a doctor that dropped out of med school cos he so badly just wanted to help people and not be selfish hiding away studying.  how can he help anyone without any knowledge?  without knowing you have no direction.

"i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. and maybe we'll never know most of them. but even if we dont have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there. we can still do things. and we can try to feel okay about them. ..... and even if somebody else has it much worse, that doesnt really change the fact that you have what you have. good and bad. ... maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, i think that the only perspective is to really be there. .... because it's okay to feel things. and be who you are about them."
this was a bunch of quotes in a few paragraphs lumped together.  but this part/these parts really struck me and hit close to home.  i always like to revisit and blame and use the past.  it is my crutch and cushion.  but the reality is, we all have a fucked up past.  EVERYONE.  im not special cos my life wasn't cookie cutter and squeaky clean and i have some stories that would make many grown men cry.  that's not the point.  the point is regardless of "who has it worse" ... it is what it is.  i always hated when people would tell me that but it is the god's honest truth.  it really just is what it is.  my life is.  it is good sometimes and it is bad sometimes.  and it's ok if some nites i want to break down and cry.  it's ok if sometimes i get mad and yell behind a closed bathroom door while im pretending to poop so i dont scare my kid.  the reality is, those are my feelings.  my past and my feelings and my current experiences... they are a part of my life and a part of my story and a part of me.   it doesnt have to control me and dictate who i am in this very moment.  i cant help what DID happen and the family i grew up in, but i can choose what path i take now and where my life is headed....
and that is that.

"I was very grateful to have heard it again. Because I guess we all forget sometimes. And I think everyone is special in their own way. I really do." 
this part of the story is when charlie's teacher is telling him how special he is.  and charlie doesnt know really what to say or how to feel.  i was thinking about the times i've found notes in my box at work from my coworkers or my boss telling me that they appreciate me or a certain way i interact with a resident is encouraging to them or makes them happy.  those times make me smile from ear to ear and with all of my insides.  because when someone does take the time to tell me im special or important or appreciated or even a male genuinely meaning the words "you're pretty".... i am grateful.  i don't hear those things very often.  and i do forget.  i think because im not like everyone else- im quirky and odd and weird and dorky- that i forget.  i figure the only special ones are the "normal" ones but the funny truth is that, the more you get to know the "normals," they are usually as odd as or even MORE ODD than yourself.  so normal, quirky, nerdy, whatever.... we've all got something that makes us special and valuable.

this last part is a very long bit of conversation between sam and charlie.  this is probably the one point in the book when i felt like i could relate to sam.  i felt like someone dug in the girl portion of my heart and took out all of my words:
"it's just that i dont want to be somebody's crush.  if somebody likes me, i want them to like the real me, not what they think i am.  and i dont want them to carry it around inside.  i want them to show me, so i can feel it too.  i want them to be able to do whatever they want around me.  and if they do something i dont like, i'll tell them.  ... you know i blamed craig for not letting me do things?  you know how stupid i feel about that now?  maybe he didnt really encourage me to do things, but he didnt prevent me from doing them either.  but after a while, i didnt do things because i didnt want him to think different about me.  but the thing is, i wasnt being honest.  so why would i care whether or not he loved me when he didnt really even know me?  so, tomorrow, im leaving.  and im not going to let that happen again with anyone else.  im going to do what i want to do.  im going to be who i really am.  and im going to figure out what that is."
this pretty much sums up my present, my want for the future, and my past with J.  i can easily sit and blame, but the reality is, i lived a 4 year lie.  and maybe the reason things havent been going too well in that department isn't just because i find myself surrounded by not the greatest caliber of male persons, but simply because i am quite honest.  i don't think many people really have a grasp on who they are and the ones that do usually are faking it the best.  hell, i still fake it sometimes.  i know in part who i really am and i think more often than i care to admit, i'm still trying to figure out who/what that really is.  i dont think many people know how to handle such directness and honesty.  hell, i don't think i do either.  but isnt that the beauty of life... to keep learning?  

so, sorry for the lengthy post mixed with book review.  i know it is some "coming of age" trendy story that i am referencing mixed with my usual BS, but... it helped me realize that i am not as alone as i think in how i feel and process.  and that someone out there is on the same page..... somewhere.  moral of the story, im not as lost or alone as i think i am.

and it also got me thinking even more.... and... i don't see that as a bad thing.