Wednesday, January 29, 2014

coping...

guys, mental illness is something that is so frowned upon.
it is something that no one talks about because it is a faux pax thing.
it is socially unaccceptable.
it is a weakness.
it means you're crazy and have issues and things of that nature.

it is none of the above.

for most of my childhood, i battled with depression and suicidal tendencies.
instead of cutting like a normal angsty teen, i took keys and any blunt object i could find and scraped at my skin til it was raw and i could see little specks of blood.
i didnt just want the rush of a cut and a rush at the sight of blood.
i wanted to make myself numb from pain in any other area so i could stop feeling what i was feeling emotionally.
no one knew.
i stopped eating when i was a teenager and survived on iceberg lettuce and ice cubes.
since i dropped a lot of weight and was previously a chubby kid, no one knew.  they just thought i was trying to finally be healthy.
i remember throwing up every day on the way to kindergarten on this one tree because i was terrified of school.... terrified of kids who picked on me, terrified of getting wrong answers, and terrified to be there in general.

i lived my life with depression, anxiety, and some mildly compulsive behaviors.
no one noticed.
no one noticed and i thought these were normal.

then i get into adulthood, take my umpteenth psychology class in good ol' community college and find out that these behaviors and thoughts and tendencies are in fact, not "normal" at all.

so i find out i have adult onset ADHD.
i thought this was the root of everything.
until recently.
last spring, i went to the emergency room for breathing difficulties and for having an abnormally high pulse for 3 days.
turns out it was an anxiety attack.
they just told me to "calm down."
right.  ok guys.  thanks for your medical expertise.

the past few months though, i found myself in a debilitating state.
my heart was racing.
i was hyperventilating.
i was throwing up at random.
i couldn't sleep.
my compulsions started resurfacing and i found myself staring at the hardwood floors and obsessively cleaning them.
my body was tense and sore.
i was crabby at nothing and everything.
i avoided things i needed to take care of.
i didn't want to leave my bed.
i didn't want to go to work, pick up my bubs, or move.
my mind was going a mile a milisecond.

i learned about anxiety symptoms in children while at work and realized.... my symptoms fit the bill and while never clinically diagnosed with anxiety, i definitely needed to go back to the doctor and work this out.

so world, today i am dropping out of school for a while.
in 2 weeks i have a meeting with my therapist to try to come up with some coping techniques.

i realized that ive been keeping myself unnecessarily busy and stressed out to avoid dealing with the things of my past and avoid focusing on the mental illnesses that have been holding me back.
it isn't right that i do this to myself.
my health should be important to me physically and especially mentally.
i do not like living like this.

i have been kind of a shut in since november and i am definitely tired of avoiding people because i don't know how they will perceive and receive me.
it isn't right and it isn't fair to keep doing this to myself.

so hey guys, i struggle with some mental illnesses.
so hey guys, i have some problems im public about and no, im definitely not perfect.

before you go judging based on all of the above, understand this....
when you have the flu, an illness, you feel like doing nothing and you feel like shit and you just want everything to go away.
imagine your brain having the flu every day ..... not wanting to work properly, not wanting to move the rest of your body, and constantly being in a heavy, foggy state.
it sucks.
it's debilitating. 
but rest and medicine make your body better, don't they?
well... im off to find what works.
finally.
im admitting i am not mentally healthy, but i want to be there....

im tired of coping enough to just get by.
i want to be free.
no one should live like this.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

dictated, not read

i have to stop letting the past define the present.
it's almost as if im in a state of paralyzed psychosis.
it's unappealing and very uncomfortable.
sometimes i question my logic aloud and hear how foolish my thoughts sound.
but it's what i know.
i know not to trust.
i know people are out to get me and hurt me and treat me like a joke and a loser and a game.
i know people have nothing but horrible intentions to use me and throw me away like a cheap happy meal toy.

but this isnt true.
what i know is false.
yes, some people are horrible and evil and bad.
SOME.
some does not apply to all.
some does not equal all.
some IS NOT all.

but this paralyzing dictation.... this internal monologue on repeat as the needle is stuck in a groove....
it ruins me.
it ruins all and any good.
because i believe it.
because i give it validation.
it has no legs to stand on, no proof in the pudding...
but still i cast it in front of my eyes like a veil and see what i know.
i hear and see and live in my "logic" and it is crippling.

then why dont you stop, kelly?
right in this moment i am taking the first step....
telling myself to SHUT UP.
telling the internal crevices of my cerebral cortex to SHUT THE FUCK UP!

yes, ive been hurt.
yes, ive been told i was a bitch, a loser, a joke, fat, a waste of life, a waste of time, off putting, boring, uninteresting, and that i should just kill myself.
(that is not the half of it nor is it a fabrication.... these are real things.)
ive been lied to and cheated on and just treated like crap.

i let that shut me away behind iron bars, steel walls, with brass knuckles ready to go at whomever dares cross the threshold of my metal prison.
and for the first time in a while i feel like opening the gates, letting down the walls, and shedding light in this dark space.
feeling so exposed and vulnerable i take everything for what it is not and make it into what i know it is and should be based on previous experiences.
who does that?
what kind of self involved, sadistic, fuck does those things?

me.

i.


i do.
not because i want to but simply because it is what i know.
this is the first time i am plugging my ears.
avoiding all of my logic in hopes that for once i am so very wrong.
i would love love love to be wrong.
please prove me wrong.

Sunday, January 19, 2014

banishing the negative

i think of how much i take for granted.
i looked at some thing online about the 35 happiest moments ever.
watching small children get so excited over a train or bubbles or a hug with a dog and seeing a deaf woman hear for the first time....
it made me realize something.

it made me realize how little i value my life.
i dread my waking moments because they are filled with bill collectors, a negative bank account, a near 4 year old with major listening problems and mild adhd....
but that isn't what life is supposed to be.
it's not a chore.
it's not just anticipating the next worse moment and with a heavy sigh trucking forward.

so today....
today may i live with the eyes of a child.
today may i find wonder and beauty and excitement in the small things.
today may i forget the things i cannot control and experience my waking moments for what they are meant to be.
may i find value in every tiny interaction with every person.
may i share love and smiles with everyone regardless of how they perceive me.
may kindness come from my mouth and not give home to any negative word.

maybe it's these tiny changes.
these tiny choices every day to choose to see the good and positive, to choose to find worth and value in the small that simply make those daunting adultish monsters disappear into the dark of night where they came from.

i can only try.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

i took a break from crying

i dont know what came over me.
maybe it was the copious amounts of insulin racing through my body from the birthday cake i ate or maybe it was the universe aligning something up just right.

some synapse within my brain made a great impact. 
and i began to cry.
i don't think cry is even right...
i sobbed.
i bawled.
i felt the walls building up again.

i thought about how hard it is to trust.
i can't believe a nice thing anyone says without assuming they mean the opposite.
i interpret kindness as sarcasm and cruelty because that's in my instinct.
i dont know how to believe someone, let someone near me in that way.

i realized you were the last one.
you were the last one i let in and let that close and you hurt me the worst.
the worst.
and i'm not over that feeling.
im over you.
just not over how awful you made me feel.
you fucked me up for everyone else.
im afraid to believe anyone because of you.

so i took a break from the crying to write this down and someday soon look back on this with a whole heart and feel stupid for this post.
im just scared ill be like a princess trapped behind these walls that just will not crumble and doors that won't budge. 
now back to my regularly scheduled nonsense....
letting go....

Saturday, January 11, 2014

getting off on the wrong foot

apparently im too much.
too hyper.
too outspoken.
too chatty.
too excited.
too tense.
too stressed.

but in the same breath im invisible.
in the same breath im negative.
im small.
im better off hiding.

i don't know who or what i mesh with anymore.
i know im content being alone.
at least for right now.

i hope i can shake this off.

Friday, January 10, 2014

don't turn your head

it's amazing how making a few decisions... tough ones... and altering said decisions to be realistic and not childish and bratty have taken an amazing toll on my mental health.

i hardly care.
the lies and stories are what they are and im content to leave them there unconcerned if they are lies or stories, false or true.
i know you love her.
i know you love her and don't want to tell me.

this eccentric dance men do with me... tiptoeing around my feelings, afraid to admit the obvious truth that is blaring in my face, resounding like a gong that is right next to my left ear....
i tell them of the sound and they tell me i am insane and crazy.
and that is when they take off running.

all i want is to be given the decency of being told the truth.

but anyway, back to NOT caring.
i dont.
i realize i cared so much because i hadn't cared in so long.
and you... you taught me there is life behind the concrete wall guarding my tiny, cold, little heart.
like the grinch, it kind of grew a little.
maybe not to the point where it breaks the measuring device, but big enough....
and that is why i cared so much.
that was the origin of fear in just walking away from you.
whether you or i ever want to realize it, you taught me how to care again.
you taught me that it is ok to let someone in, be hurt, and move on.
you taught me that moving on doesnt always mean goodbye forever.

im excited right now with these new ventures.
im excited to try again and let someone near me and see what happens.
who knows?

all i DO know is that i have to let go when the gong is resounding.
the trumpet is blaring in my face and you tell me to cover my ears to deafen the sound in fear of what you will do to my tiny, broken feelings....
i need to take off running, break the tie that binds and go the next time i hear that sound.
cut the cord so completely.... sever it so unevenly that it can not be retied.
and that's ok.

because the very phrase that keeps resounding.... the very voice and phrase i trust ever so completely right now is this:
i am continuously being freed up for something better.

with every sad goodbye, every heartwrenching declaration of the honest truth, and unreturned phone call.... im being freed up for something better.
with every missed opportunity, case of bad timing, and negative bank account..... im being freed up for something better.

you have to take the bad with the good, the sad with the joyful, and the embarrassment with the shining moments.
life just works like that.
i've had such a downpour of negative events recently that i know... i know some sunny days are ahead and they are warm and beautiful and the smells will be as intoxicating as they highs they give me.
but i have to wait.
and waiting is not a bad thing.
waiting prepares us for the good to come.
waiting makes us grateful and appreciative.
life should be lived no other way.

so maybe im not just rambling to myself instead of fixing my bad hair day before work.
all i can say is wait.
better is coming.
appreciate the storm for now because even if your house blows away or breaks and floods.... you're being freed up for something better.
don't hold tightly to anything or anyone in your life cos so easily it/they can come and go with the breeze.
just be patient.  welcome change.  sometimes it is a wind that blows so cold and so fierce but it's ok.... cos in the end... you may have messy hair and be in an unfamiliar place....but quite possibly it may be the thing to save your life

with that said i have to fix my messy hair.
good day friends.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

freeing up for something better

so no, this year has not began exactly as i'd hoped.
in a matter of two weeks i have had to say goodbye to a few people i care about, my trip to texas to visit an old friend got cancelled, and today, it looks like i have to let go of going back to school in january to begin a 10 year journey to being a scientist.

im not even kidding.
i really wanna be a research scientist.
i really miss these people i have had to say goodbye to.
i really wanted to visit texas, enjoy my friend and some warmer temperatures, and get a break from life.

but it's not in my cards.
my cards spoke of patience and my intuition.
my cards really spoke of patience.

what keeps resounding in my brain is this small, quiet, still voice telling me:
"being freed up for something better."

now normally im not a fan of positive mantra mumbo jumbo.
i don't have a thing that i speak over and over in times of stress.
i don't read the tampon box and feel energized by the positive saying to encourage me in my womanly time.

but this....
this quiet voice that keeps resounding when bad things are happening.
this voice i trust.
this voice i believe.

im frustrated dont get me wrong.
im upset and angry and feel cheated and flustered.
i feel hurt.

but for the first time it isn't sending me into a downward spiral of coffee, whiskey and cookies.
it's sending me into a proactive tornado of sorting out my shit and moving on to better.

so yet again, thanks life.  you may be throwing me curveballs and fireballs and fucking a-bombs but guess what?  i may swing and miss, but i still have another shot to make a hit.  so there.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

no harm upon your skin

this faint illusion
that i meant something
spills out leaving stains
marks on my sheets
a sticky mess on my sleeve
remembering words spoken
exchanges of something more
that you're too scared to admit
and im too afraid to let go of

and the ache inside the cavity
in the center of my chest
grows and stings worse
like salt in open flesh

i let you abuse me
kindly and sweetly
tearing my skin open
with words of promise
but you break them
and you stab me
the remains of words so cheap
are sharp and cold

and the ache inside the cavity
in the center of my chest
grows and stings worse
like salt in open flesh

holding on so tight
my palms are tearing open
you stare at cascading blood
and turn to walk away
you didnt do it
it's not your fault
you were broken from the start
excuse enough to hide behind

but in reality
you love availability
and feed me til i choke
on endless excuses
but in reality
you love what you do to me
you love to watch me choke
on all of your remains

and the ache inside the cavity
in the center of my chest
grows and stings worse
like salt in open flesh
you pour it til im writhing
and then you turn to walk away
no harm upon your skin
it's better off this way

between a rock and a hard place

sometimes the one person that you need to hear "i care about you" from is yourself.
sometimes those words, those actions that you take to better where you are at mentally and emotionally and hell, even physically, mean more than the most amazing person providing that for you.

and so here i am, heart in hand, staring at the bloody mass of tissue.
and so here i am, making choices that momentarily do not feel good.
but im reminded of the promises that i made to myself for this new year.
im reminded that i swore to a year of taking care of myself, providing for myself the legs to stand on physically and emotionally that will take me to better places.

i started taking my meds again at the recommendation of a friend.
i have to say, 2 days in, i already feel better.
im less anxious and overwhelmed.
im motivated to do good not just in my surroundings, but for myself.

and yet the heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach...
the sinking, stinging feeling in the empty cavity in my chest does not feel all that rewarding.

but these little moments.... these little moments will amount to something much greater in the long run im sure.

growing up is hard.
making life better for oneself to be able to be better for others is hard.
it's hard but so necessary.

so here i go off into the dark unknown hoping that my choices right now will make life better for myself and others in the long run.
i find myself between this rock and hard place all too often and at some point, you gotta get a little bloody and climb up out of the mess and move forward.

words before coffee

im glad.
im very glad i have people in my life to remind me.
to remind me of promises ive made to others and to myself.
actually, im very glad i have people in my life that remind me to take care of myself and be good to myself.
i always joke i need a mommy or to take my meds, but yesterday was proof for both.

the conversation i went to bed with was along the lines of the above:  take your meds, be good to yourself, focus on your own mental health.

i had this nasty habit of surrounding myself with others that needed fixing so as to avoid fixing my own self.
when my demons proved to bear too much weight, i was left with nothing more than to find my own way.
and i have been.
ive met some really great people along the way that don't judge me for my issues and really encourage me to be a whole, well thought human.

but then there's this one small area.
this gray area.
this gray area where i know what real color it is but just wont admit it.
this gray area where i like to dip my toes into and get bit by angry little creatures.
it's as if i thrive on the rush of the pain.
the stinging sensation that courses through my body.
the dull ache inside my chest that somehow also feels as if ive swallowed a lead balloon.
the knowing despair because of the already known.

i  need to put this to rest.
i started to.
i really did.
but you.... you always lure me back.
there's something about you that i believe in so much im willing to throw my own sanity away just to wait around to see you thrive and be well.
i don't know why.
dear sir i wish i knew why i couldn't throw you out with the rest of them.
im told to hold none of your words as valid or true and to wait for the action to surpass the verbage.
for some reason i find myself scrutinizing your choice of words, your flow and pattern of sentence structure.
i dissect each syllable til i am left holding boxes of letters that simply make no sense.
hieroglyphic intricacies i know nothing of.
still i wait.
stringing words together before ive had my morning fix of coffee.
trying to remember all those words over coffee.
and in the morning haze of fatigue and no caffeine i wait.
i wait to see if you even make a momentary gesture before i tell you i cant anymore.
before i tell you this up and down roller coaster,
this cyclical pattern with twists and turns...
well....
well it makes me sick and dizzy and i cant anymore.

dear sir i can no longer put you first.
this want to see you thrive and be the amazing man i know you are is not enough to sell my own self.
your lines of needing help for months now are nothing more than that....
lines of a script where the leading man is ending a dramatic scene.
that's all this feels like...
one dramatic scene after another.
no storybook ending.
no third act twist.
just gritted teeth spewing out lines.
i believe in you far more than i understand why.
i sometimes even believe you although your eloquent and full speech alludes to a cover up.

so should my day end and yours just begin and you still havent found the words to reply to the previous day where i just want to know what the hell we are doing here... what you want from me and what you THINK i really want from you.... well then...
well then, dear sir, i can only stare at this blank wall that has waited for your brush for so long before i feel foolish and hang pictures in its stead.
you are full of empty promises.
you are full of broken.
you are full of broken that you choose not to clean up and let everyone else step on the shards and then tell them that it is much too risky to enter instead of cleaning up the god damn mess.
my calloused soles can not take any more punctures from your past.
put on your workboots sir, grab a broom and get to it.
it is far more daunting to stare at remains than to get in there and start the somewhat tedious process.
sometimes you miss and dont get it all either but....the point is that youve begun.
youve begun and there is room again.



Thursday, January 2, 2014

a stubborn little foot down

maybe it is in fact my age.
maybe 30 has caused me to have even less tolerance for bullshit and drama and being used and lied to and dealing with phony people.
if it is in fact because im 30, well.... thank you 30.

this is the first time in a long time i am finding my voice and my stride and i like it.
dub it bitchy or direct, i don't care.

for the first time in a long time, i enjoy being alone.
for the first time in a long time, i am becoming very selective with who i choose to spend my time with....my time.... MY actual free time where im not at school or at work or taking care of bubs or pickle or my house is rare. 

i finally feel ready to let someone in my life again too.
that is the scariest part since it's been so long since the last one.
i finally am just done with bullshit rollercoaster dating and i want something legit and real .... an honest, down to earth, real friend that has no shame in loving me in spite of imperfections and recognizes their own value and worth regardless of their own. 
i always have these one sided, top heavy little spurts with someone and i end up hurt cos i care too much.
i care too much and am merely small and insignificant to them.
im easily passed over for someone else and i dont want to be that anymore.
i want to matter to someone else without having to remind them i exist.
and that's fair.

im not laying out some bullshit resolutions either.
this year i taped a list of goals on my mirror.
these are "easy goals"
these are goals so necessary to my growth but so elementary.

-go to punk and hardcore shows
-go run 2x a week outside when weather appropriate
-do yoga at least 15 min a day, 3x per week
-HAVE FUN
-take bubs on a mini vacation
-take my OWN mini vacation
-get out of the house and meet new people
-play more music
-focus on feeling mentally healthy and not so much about being fit physically


these are so basic and yet some of them i know will be a problem.... but this year i am putting shame and my own negative processes aside and working on being a whole and complete human with or without anyone else by my side.
i love the fact that in 2 years i have become so strong and independent and have done a pretty damn good job raising bubs.
i love the fact that all of the speak of failure thrown in my direction has been washed away with my exceeding all expectations.

so now, now i want to focus on me as an actual person.
i want to be mentally and emotionally whole and healthy.
i think that's a feasible goal.
also i wanna get a super bloody nose at a punk show.... which is part of my youth that i simply miss.

and maybe that's why i also miss a man friend around.
i miss the days when a "date" was laying around in someone's room, playing music, eating cold chinese food, watching stupid movies, skateboarding at the bank til we got kicked out by the cops, and going to punk shows.... it was friendship with a really amazing twist.  i miss that.  i want that.
being 30 wont stop me from having that.
until the universe dictates my readiness.... this year is about having fun and not sweating the small things.  i think i can manage that..... i hope i can....