maybe it's cos i'm nearing the end of my late twenties or maybe it's because i am a realist, or MAYBE it's cos it's 4 in the morning and i'm running on no sleep, but i am at my wits end with "love."
books, movies, music, tv..... all of these bullshit mediums to remind me what "love" should look like and it never does. maybe i'm in the wrong scenario. maybe someone out there will be sweet to me and help me and love me how deep down i know i should be.....
and don't get me wrong. i'm not into this anti-feminist crap where i think a guy needs to spoil a girl rotten, nor am i on the side of the fence where a girl should be totally self-reliant. maybe i have projected that i am so strong that i don't need anyone. maybe i give off the wrong impression.
for now, i feel like a princess locked away in a tower, slaving away during the day, only to go to bed empty and alone at night and repeat the cycle in the morning. it sounds horrible and i'm probably expressing my feelings way worse in words than i actually feel.
i've had the conversation with the males in my life many times about how i understand love and the few small and simple things that would remind me of my value to them. somehow, after many a boyfriend have come and gone in my life, none of them get it. is it something I'M doing wrong? is my own perception so warped? i don't think so....
all i want is a guy that wants to work hard for his family on and off the clock, that will take initiative in helping around the house, that will put his family before his hobbies, that wants to go places and do things and see the world, a guy that will be a MAN, a guy that will take chances and risks in order to better himself and grow, a guy that likes to be challenged, a man that isn't afraid or embarrassed to share his feelings or wear his heart on his sleeve, that knows how to show his lady that he loves her DAILY in the smallest and simplest of ways (and not just via sexual avenues), a guy that appreciates the little things that are done for him such as a home cooked meal or a clean house, a teammate and supporter, and as odd as it might seem, a guy that avoids fighting and will help quench an argument before it gets going. does this person exist?
as i said, maybe it's something i'm doing wrong or maybe for the past 12 years i have just been with absolutely the wrong people for me. maybe i've passed the good ones by in fear of change. maybe i've let good ones go in my immaturity or have been too blind in my own sight.
i have a daughter now and i want a man that is a good example... i don't want her to settle for someone that won't go the extra mile for her. i'm also tired of being afraid to move on and allow change to happen. maybe i thrive too much on change, but i also know that i can't remember the last time i felt the giddiness i crave in a relationship....actually the best boyfriend i had was mike when i was 16.... i think i have never let anyone that close to me since.
maybe my lack of satisfaction is due to my lack of letting people close...? i dunno. i do know that i'm tired of the way things are and have been for the past 3 years.... i do know i'm tired of the same conversations somehow pushed to the wayside because of a child and a mortgage and financial instability. i do know that i am tired of rationalizing my feelings or having them be made to feel invalid. why am i considered the crazy one for wanting change and trying to spur it on? how many discussions on the same subject have to be had before any solutions are brought to the surface? why is there an inconsistent pattern of positive change to backsliding? i just dont get it.
as i said, maybe my standards are too high and this person i crave to be beside does not exist. maybe they do and they are a famous person and i'll never meet them. i just hope one day i get the chance to experience this feeling i crave.... not the honeymoon phase of a relationship where everything is shit grin perfect, but the 3 year mark where you're in the trenches with bombs flying in the background but still get lost in your partner's eyes and smile at the very sight of them....
yup, im a cheeseball, but this dear blog world are the very things my soul craves that i have been denying for so long in hopes of being "independent" and "strong." what bullshit.