Friday, December 30, 2011

things have gotten ugly but...

after the split, i knew things would be ugly, but i never assumed that they would get THIS ugly.  i mean, for our daughter's sake i assumed one would act civilly and at least return a greeting and be cordial.  oh the expectations i have are apparently insurmountable mountains to climb.  i just absolutely quit expecting him to be nice or courteous or understanding at all. and on that note.... i digress.
it has been a hard adjustment living on my own... i'm not used to so much quiet.
one thing i have discovered is how valuable alone time is.  yes, anyone that knows me knows right off the bat how much i love and value my daughter.  she is the only thing keeping me smiling these days.  but, a mom needs her time too.  i have realized from having so few channels on the tv that i really like to watch cooking shows.  it is like a puzzle... these chefs and bakers have certain ingredients to work with and need to make something amazing.  and even if it doesnt taste that great, the people judging their food somehow KNOW what the dish needs or where it's lacking.  i have spent a lot of time in the kitchen lately (after the mouse drama semi-subsided).  that is the one place where i have been finding absolute solace and tranquility and why audrey is just NOT allowed in the kitchen when i'm experimenting.  it's almost like having the general public spying on a scientist while he's trying to find the cure for AIDS.  it's distracting. 
i have had so much fun experimenting with baking different things and testing out different marinades for meat and making something out of nothing (when i forget to go to the store and am hungry).  it's been really calming and i'm almost finding a sense of self again.....
granted i don't need to be EATING myself into a sense of self, but the experimentation and delight i feel when i'm making things is a whole new feeling for me.  for 4 years i lost a myself trying to be everyone's caretaker and no one really looked out for me.  i lost myself and lost sight of the things i like to do and what i wanted to be.  i feel like even if it's something as small as making a cupcake, i'm alive again.... well, maybe not entirely, but im getting there.

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