Saturday, January 7, 2012

this rollercoaster ride is making me ill...

... or maybe it's the fact that i just swallowed like 4 or 5 pieces of pizza (yup, i did lose count).  i split with my ex because i wanted to focus on me.  it seems as if i am still unable to do that.  yes, i understand as a parent regardless of being single or together, you will always come last.  it's amazing how much compromise i am STILL making even though i have no obligation to my ex.  i dont have weekends, i dont have sleep, and i dont have evenings. 
i can't complain too much.  i've found time to squeeze in for having friends and the immense joy i have of not being accused and attacked for smiling and having fun is rather nice.
still, im pegged as the "bad guy."  i'll always be the one that broke his heart, ruined his life, cheated him from family, took away his stability, made him depressed and miserable.  it's all my fault.
how can one woman be so many things to so many people without feeling dead inside eventually though?  how am i supposed to be a mom, a friend, a lover, a provider, a student, a caretaker, a cook, a housekeeper, a teammate, a nurturer,  an accountant, a listener, and a PERSON all at once?  mind you, i was taking care of him and audrey.  i was cleaning up after 3, bathing 2, cooking for 3, and taking care of a house of 3 and it felt like i was doing it all alone.  i really want the best for us 3 but.... i gotta fit in there somewhere.
the end of the movie amelie just reminds me to hold out for someone that will be a dork for me and that i will matter to.  words only go so far. 

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