Tuesday, June 17, 2014

a brief moment

where i reflect upon the fact that i was merely a warm body to release you from your downward spiral.
where i think upon the instances that occurred over and over again.
i am your afterthought.
i am the last thought on your mind in the morning, throughout the day, and before you go to sleep at night.
but you said so much more.
you said three words that mean a lot to someone like me.
you told me over and over again that i was wrong and speaking with an accusing tone.
there are no accusations in truth.
actions speak truth and need not a single breath or stumbling syllable.
you ignored me.
you ditched me.
you refused to spare a second of time for me.
you forgot about me.
you stared at every screen to avoid my face and physical touch.
when you wanted something though...
affection, affirmation, a warm body, encouragement, sympathy, a ride, a beer, or food.... there i was.
you never cared.
you said all of the right words and here i am, round 3, balled up fists stuffed in my eye sockets, trying to stifle the sounds of my sobbing so as to not wake the sleeping child in the next room.
i hurt.
i hurt and i cry not because you were amazing and things went south....
i hurt and i cry out of my own stupidity.
i believed you.
i trusted you.
i shared things with you i didnt share with anyone in a long time.
i let you in to parts of my life that no one has seen before.
you proved to only be selfish and conceited and arrogant.
instead of hearing my pleas for change, you accused me of accusing you.
instead of evaluating yourself and your own behavior, you lashed out in the most unkind tones.
you took to ignoring me when i reached out to you.

so i guess... in this brief moment i reflect on my stupidity.
in this brief moment i sink a little deeper into my tear and snot soaked comforter to find a small amount of comfort.
i doubt you will ever think you were in the wrong.
but your mother who has never even met me was right...
you dont deserve me.
you pushed me away and you lost me.

i waited 6 years for another of your kind to come forward on his promises and be the man he promised he'd be.
he never did.
i learned that lesson the hard way.
so now, round three, fists down... i give up.
you win.
enjoy your beautiful reflection, the sound of your own voice, the warmth of your own self, and the benefits of being alone.
maybe if you dare to date again, try to remember the things i told you so much that they began to seem dream-like in its repetitive nature:
"girls like to be made to feel thought of and important.
we like to be asked on dates where someone just plans something no matter how simple.
we like surprises no matter how small or cheesy.
letting someone know you care about them and are thinking about them doesnt take much time or any money.
it's ok to let your guard down and be gushy and dorky. 
dont watch us cry and yell at us.  it's kinda mean.
don't ditch us to get drunk with your friends.
don't forget about plans you make with us no matter how short the time is that we were going to hang out.
listen to us when we have things to say, especially if we keep repeating that we feel hurt and irrelevant to you."

so, i guess my brief moment has passed.... i've cried out my stupidity.  i've cried out my sadness.
tomorrow is a fresh start with you and all of this in my past.

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