Monday, June 16, 2014

the older i get, the harder i fall

i swear to it... i'm a sucker.
im so easily duped sometimes it's ridiculous.

i think about all of the fads that flash before me to get thin quick or have a healthier lifestyle or have daily happiness or a successful relationship.

i buy into all of it.

worst of all, im too trusting.
the older i get, the harder i fall.

why is that so, you might find yourself asking?

because i've given up.
ive given up believing that what i want is tangible and real.
i am blindsided by really elaborate promises and words and when all the words prove to be are brittle bits of dust to choke on, it's too late, im in too deep, and there i fall.

all i want is someone who wants to spend time with me; someone who is proud to be with me and can't get enough of me.  someone that knows how to be thoughtful and cute and sweet and realizes that showing someone you care or taking a girl on a date doesn't have to cost a dime.... that it doesn't even require any effort.... just thought if the person really means anything at all.

and i never do.
im a warm body so they don't feel lonely.
im a chaueffer.
im the glutton that eats the lines and lies.
im the one that puts in attention and thought and instigates conversations and love.
im always left hanging, dry, and empty.

no more.
i would rather be alone the rest of my life than deal with one more immature, selfish, little boy that does not know how to properly treat a lady.
im all for being gushy and cute on someone and have to say i am a thoughtful girlfriend, but when no effort is put my way in return and it's all "i was gonna do this" or "one day we should do that" and never any concrete, visible signs.... im done.
like i said, it's far too easy to pick someone a flower to show you care or write them a note or surprise them with a visit or take them for a hike or make them dinner or give them a back rub after a long day...

i deserve to matter to someone and until someone proves to me i can matter to them without lying to me and cheating on me or feeding me empty promises of coulds and woulds and shoulds.... when someone effortlessly loves me and doesn't let me doubt it for a second... i will not settle or put up with anything less.

maybe i sound bitchy or pretentious or needy or greedy.... im tired of being the one to upkeep a relationship all on my own.  im tired of being neglected and forgotten....i deserve to feel loved and valued too.

it seems to get worse as i find men my own age, but.... maybe somewhere out there someone is a kind and gentle soul.  maybe somewhere out there my dorky robot boy has my birthday balloon for me and a dorky mix cd.  maybe one day he'll hold my hand and kiss my cheek and sit with me in blissful silence smiling because that is what makes sense.

maybe one day.

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