Saturday, September 13, 2014

the hole of depression and a new light

it's easy to say the past week i've been living in a fog of depression.  to say i've had some recent bad luck lately could largely be called the understatement of the year.  this bad luck shoved me further and further in this dark little room, isolating myself to this place of fear and solitude that i didn't miss. 

oh yes, that's right.  i'd been here before.  in fact, the pillowcases in this place are faded from stains of tears past.  the walls, lightly etched with indentations of angry fists.  i know where the pen and notebook still are though.  that is my only defense against the darkness.  over the years said pen and notebook have become an online blog of ups and downs that few read or speak of, but still... the power of getting my thoughts out of my head.... no matter how scary, dark, or demented they may seem to me.... those illuminate the room i am in enough to where i can find the exit and make a hasty escape.  these guards of darkness follow me though.  through every stage of life, there they are- cold, beady eyes... stiff, clenched jaw... the iciest of stares with the cruelest of intentions to each grab an arm of mine and drag me kicking and screaming back to this tiny prison.

so yeah i was hanging out in a dark hallway very near this room.  then something happened.  a helping hand or 8 came about.... kind words... encouraging hugs... a pizza party at 330am with a neighbor and funny movies....a plan.... love... support...

all of that rushing through my body like a shot of adrenaline giving me life and breath.  this morning, around 730 am, having barely slept more than a few hours before said pizza party, i went outside.  prepared for this new autumn morning chill, i was equipped for my quick stroll with 2 hoodies, some slippers, and fleece pj pants.  the cool, morning breeze hit my cheeks, rushed through my nostrils and began to fill my lungs while the hints of the not-so-early sun greeted me through some nearby trees.  this is what life was about.... this moment of feeling safe and secure in the wide open.

many dread the first autumn chills.  having to break out the hoodies, sweaters, and jackets after months of liberating freedom being able to bear almost everything to the summer sun.  i on the other hand love it.  it makes me feel cozy and warm.  i think of getting all bundled up in hoodies and scarves and mittens, feeling the wind trying to make me cringe with his chill, but these layers of fleece and cotton fabric, like armor, protect me.

so that's what this morning did.  it gave me that feeling of warmth and security.  it reminded me there is hope.  i have not been defeated yet.  i am creative under pressure.  these past years have only just begun scratching the surface of my resilience and character.  yes, i have had to borrow from friends and sell some things.  yes, i have fear and that fear has made me cry and cower and tremble.... but then i remember what i tell children at work that are screaming about a  shot, pleading and bartering with their parents, sometimes screaming at their parents... "it's ok to be afraid.  it's ok to even cry.  that is ok.  but it isn't ok to kick or hit.  we have to get this done.  im sure you want to go outside and do better things than sit cooped up in this room.  you have to trust me this will be quick.  stay loose like a noodle.  when you're all tensed up it really hurts."  (there's more and no these arent all at once... that's too long of a speech.... but we can end that here since im sure you get the point....)

i don't want to be in this room any longer... this room of darkness and despair where my eyes are completely bugging out of my head, tears running down my face and my limbs shaking like leaf in the breeze.  it is OK to be afraid .... stay loose like a noodle... this will be quick.... when you're all tensed up, it really hurts.... we have to get this done.... it's ok to even cry......"

so im still awake.  it's almost 830, my cat is giving me the ol wink n purr and my kettle is boiling away water for tea.  i am going to get things done today.  my house to many is far too clean to be one that has a kid in it.... but to me, i see signs of depression.  dirty dishes in the sink, moldy coffee water in my coffee pot, a dirty tub and toilet, clothes on the floor, papers all over a chair in a haphazard pile of avoidance...today i am setting myself free from this room .... free to embrace the change of seasons- whatever change it may be, and feel secure in my hoodies and scarf against the autumn  chill.

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