Sunday, October 19, 2014

momma guilt

"it's one of those perfect sundays that only has the possibility of becoming greater."

i just posted this bullshit line on facebook and had to tweet it as well.

"adversity brings about the sweetest changes."

i tweeted that bullshit line too.

actually no, that last one is not bullshit at all.  it's the truth im finding in these contemplative moments.  but this thinking almost always, without fail, pulls a 180 on me.  all of a sudden a pang of guilt shoots through my body, stabbing like a dull knife through my heart and slicing its way down through my stomach and out my colon, handle side first.

ok a bit graphic, but still.  i think about these moments of quiet i so long for during the week when i come home from work and i just want to put on these oversized fleece pajama pants, have a pizza, watch a movie, and fall asleep on the couch and the blue light of the computer screen.  i have it right now... that perfect peace from just a perfect moment of tranquility and light.  bubs isnt here.  there is my guilt.  i feel bad that sometimes i just want her not here so i can just have quiet.   does that make me a bad mom for just wanting some alone time?

now mind you, any other mother that says THE SAME EXACT THING TO ME.... i am all up in her business preaching from my plastic milk crate of a soapbox about how she's no good to anyone unless she gets time to be herself and know herself.... that she's entitled to hobbies and friends too... that you'll snap if you don't acknowledge that you need time .... that life deserves to be appreciated and enjoyed by ALL people... blah blah, blahdity blah...

so when will this resonate its truth with me?  when do i get to not have this nagging little monster on my shoulder calling me names for having fun with my friends and sleeping in past 730am?

im trying to use a moment like now, a day like today, to finally shove that little beast off and keep on smiling....

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