i've been told recently that i'm too vulnerable, too open, too exposed with my personal life.
i was told i shouldnt post it on the internet for all to read because it could become a weapon used against me.
i told them that i didn't care.
and i realized then that those were not defensive words.... i really don't care.
my life and my struggles are in fact open to the public regardless of how well i know someone, not as some pithy cry for attention and desire to bring the next lifetime original made for tv movie into real life.
i just figure that life hits people hard sometimes, some harder than others.
i'm coming to find that i am a normal human being for my somewhat unpredictable thought patterns and emotional roller coaster rides.
the more i have opened up to people- strangers and friends via the interwebs or face to face conversations, the more i've been able to come to terms with my own struggles and situations.
yes, many could turn around and wound me with such private and personal knowings. yes, many have turned and stabbed me in the back with things i've said in confidence or out in the open.
but do i take the backhanded slaps and wounds of the few and assume that all are this way? no. i look at the sea of faces around me, some just as crazy and anxious as i am feeling hopelessly alone and lost in what they are going through, and am reminded that sometimes all someone really wants to know is that they're not alone.
for the longest time, suicide was my "out" for the times i felt so alone. i would cry myself into a frenzy and pull myself deeper and deeper down the rabbit hole of despair and get lost. i saw no light at the end of the tunnel, heard no hopeful or familiar sounds... just despair and blackness and hopelessness. on occasion a hand would break the darkness and pull me up and out. i'd hear the song of kind words and realize that i was in fact, NOT alone. it was moments like those that made me who i am today... a complete OVER share-er. and i don't feel bad about it.
so take my rants for what you will. take my oversharing or leave it.
i've come to terms with the fact that we're all a little fucked up, we're all a little scared, we're all a little unsure and walking timidly, we all have that feeling of anxiety and loneliness... some are just better at faking it than others and i for one SUCK at being a phony. so here i am world in all of my oversharing... take me or leave me, but i still don't care either way.