Sunday, January 4, 2015

the voices...

with depression, anxiety, ocd, and adhd.... medicated or not, some days are just better than others.  strange things like the weather and temperature and the color of the sky actually does have a major impact on these mental illnesses.

while my medication is good at taking care of my symptoms most days, there are a few days out of the month where it just isn't enough... where the voices in my head get so loud and so hard to ignore.

i've come a very long way in the past few months.  normally i wouldn't chalk a few months up to a victory, but i'm starting to see that if i don't.... if i give in to the lie of "well, it's only been a month, so there's not enough evidence you really can do this" or if i give in to the lies that plague my brain, "you're small.... you're irrelevant... no one likes you... you're alone... you're horrible... you're fat.... you're really ugly.... no one really likes you.... you're invisible... people wish you'd disappear... you have nothing relevant to say.... you're so stupid.... you're worthless... you're better off hiding out so you can spare people from having to put up with you...."  then im back where i began.

in november, that was the last time i cut myself.  it was probably the time that i cut myself the worst... so bad i left visible scars.  i had 53 and now im down to 3 dark ones and about 10 faded ones.  i wouldn't say i was knocking on death's door... i was mostly fed up, not sure how to release any of what i was feeling and thought cutting would be like puncturing a small hole in an already too full balloon to release some air before it would burst.

since then, i have been trying really hard to notice when my symptoms are in a place beyond where my meds have the ability to help.  the past few days have been such a place.  i noticed myself unconsciously giving in to these self defeating, negative, very self depricating thoughts.  i even voiced a lot of these statements out loud.  the horrified look on some peoples' faces made me realize that i was once again doing it.  i was becoming the victim.  i was becoming the captive to these abusive and commanding thoughts. 

i'm not a victim.  i'm a victor.
i'm not helpless.  i'm strong.
i'm not a captive.  i'm free.

i have to remember these things daily... especially days like today and  the past few days. 
it's ok to let myself cry a little to release some of the imaginary inflation.  it's ok to tell myself out loud that these thoughts are insane and i'm better than this.  it's ok to vent on a public forum or on a scrap of paper in private.

so that's what im doing right here... enjoying a cup of delicious coffee, staring out at the cold, bleak morning that i soon have to encounter to head off to work, reminding myself that i am not the following:

-hated
-stupid
-worthless
-invisible
-a failure
-alone
-fat
-ugly
-boring

and that i AM the following:

-strong
-funny
-smart
-brave
-silly
-loved
-welcomed
-kind
-beautiful
-alive

i think that last part is key.  im still here for a reason.  im alive, in this new year, with this glorious mash up of mental illnesses that i once let control and rule every moment of every day for me.  these thoughts do not control me.  these illnesses do not have power over me.  yes, some days my medication isn't strong enough... but sometimes in battle, guns arent enough and you end up in hand to hand combat.  sometimes mere opinions are not enough and you need facts and proof to back it up.  sometimes one instrument is not enough and you need a whole symphony.

today is yet another day i am taking control of my life and my thoughts and i am going to be thankful for today.  thankful that im alive.  thankful for the people that are in my life that I CHOOSE to be there.  it's MY CHOICE who is in my life and if people don't like me, i don't need that negativity there anyway.

today i am choosing to live in gratitude and kindness and love.  thank you dear friends for being in my life in spite of all of my hang ups and for encouraging me and supporting me along the way.

love and hugs and happy stuff.
kelly
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