Friday, January 2, 2015

far from perfect...

....that's how i would sum up my life.
far from perfect, far from ideal.

my life as a single mom in the past 3 years and a bit has been one crazy whirlwind....
and at 31, i have to say that it is far from what i would have ever called my ideal, perfect scenario.

im broke.
most of my bills are behind.
i hardly ever go out.
i miss every show i want to go to.
the number of friends i have is dwindling because of my schedule.
im usually quite stressed or exhausted due to my job and then coming home to take care of bubs and picklecat and cook and clean up after all of us.
i am the worst possible person to give any remote amount of alcohol to.
i'm not the first person sought after on a friday night.
i havent been on a proper date in god knows how long because, who wants to date a mom?
i don't receive many texts or phone calls.
i basically have to bother people to hang out with me sometimes because my schedule is always wonky.
im scatterbrained as all heck.

but in the midst of accepting solitude and quiet....
in the subtle moments where i have a load on my plate and im not sure how im gonna carry it all...
there's this little monkey-girl smiling at me, hugging me, telling me im a beautiful mom and that she loves me.
she shows off for me and wants my undivided attention.
shes imaginative and beautiful and smart and kind.
she needs me and she loves me just as much as i need and love her too.

so you see, while my life is far from perfect, far from any dream scenario i would have ever wanted or chosen or thought up for myself... this is the life i have.  these are the cards i was dealt.  i could be a sour puss and just throw em in and call it quits... but i dont.  that silly giggle of hers keeps me going.  i put on my tight lipped poker face and go all in. 
that amazing feeling i get when she hugs me is enough to refuel my empty tank.

no my life is not a random adventurefest full of all of the amazing punk rock shenanigans, but it is full of more love than most know, more laughter and smiles and fun quirky moments than most experience in a lifetime.  and while most of these are small....so small that most people would ignore them and pass them up as mere fragments of dust, these are the memories and moments that i look forward to, that keep me going, and that make my far from perfect, far from ideal life pretty damn amazing after all.

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