i can't say that ive ever been really really good at anything.
as a kid i would cling to my solitude and write all damn day. i would draw and color, but mostly write. i wrote short stories, children's books, poems, lots and lots of emotastic poems, songs, etc. i thought i was like some super badass writer.
and then i quit.
i got super into music and 10 years ago i just moved out here, started playing a bunch of lil shows and recorded an EP and was doing stuff and things and then... i quit.
i was doing bjj and judo and was entering tournaments, training like non stop. i won a national and state title and was loving it and hating it all at the same time.
so i quit.
i got into medical endeavors and wanted to be a neuroscientist. i wanted to fix people and delve deeper into the medical field. then i checked all the physics, chemistry, and calculus classes i would have to take.
and i quit.
i still am a CMA and i still have a limited scope license for xray (some of them). i still love what i do and am glad i stuck with that.
over the years i have had so many little things that have piqued my interests here and there and ive thrown myself headfirst into the many brick walls only to suffer a severe concussion and back away slowly on a stretcher.
then i got into baking. i think the majority of it was when i was pregnant. my ex and i had our first home and i had a CLEAN kitchen with a nice new oven and plenty of counter space. at first it was boxed everything and slowly i started following recipes. after he and i split i literally would be up all night long watching food network cos nothing else seemed entertaining. i got into cupcake wars and thought... hmm i think i could do that.... what if i did this and this instead of that? how did they make that tho? what if i put this and those two things together? slowly i just really fucking started loving baking. i love the smells. i love the colors. i love the feeling of whisking dry ingredients that are like a fine powder after being sifted into a mixing bowl. i love the steady metamorphosis as butter slowly turns into a thick creamy consistency. i love how you can combine so many textures and flavors all into a small cake. i love learning. ive learned how to pipe frosting and fix mistakes and play with fondant... i've challenged myself and i just keep wanting to do more.
and slowly people started wanting to buy my cupcakes. people wanted to buy my cookies. i was getting a steady stream of requests and people wanted to pay me.
so here begins my sweet little adventure. in lieu of going to school (taking one giant step backward, it's the stupider of the smart ideas), i am getting a food safety license and renting some commercial kitchen space. i am going to seek the help of my tech and art savvy friends for help making a website, help advertising, help with some photos, and help with a logo since ill be allowed to legally sell my goods having taken all of the necessary steps.
one day.... one day when my little venture turns into something bigger and better... i want a tiny little storefront bakery. i want it open at those later hours when it's like "shit i want some cookies" and crap from the store just wont do. i want to make a mark in my community and i overall want to show myself that im good at something. that maybe before all those other things didnt pan out because they werent what i was meant to be doing.
lately though, i have faced some SERIOUS biting criticisms and while i appreciate the logical ones, there's no need to tear me down. im not quitting my job and racking up millions in debt on a stupid whim. im starting small and even aiming small. im not trying to cure cancer.... just aid in diabetes and smiles.
for once i believe in me tho. i hate that for the very first time that i do, i seem to be standing here all by myself. maybe to some it's a "stupid dream" of owning a little bakery. sure it's stupid to "hope that one day cupcakes will pay my bills." but these are my dreams to dream and my steps to take. i dont have any clairvoyant friends that know whether this will succeed or fail. so for now, my little pipe dream is picking up speed and my very lengthy timeline is being shortened daily. i think my sweet little dream is safe for now and im going to keep going deeper in whether im standing there alone at the end or not.