Saturday, March 7, 2015

watching the trees

i havent written in a while.  possibly because i've been out there living life.... possibly because i didnt feel like it mattered if i did or if i didnt... and maybe partly because i was processing things so quickly for once, that i didn't have time to write it down.

it was like one "a-ha!" moment after another.  synapse after explosive synapse like roman candles in the july night sky.  oooo yeah kel, that was deep.....

anyway... life.  i've been living it.  the more i started just shedding some baggage and weight and worry, it's like i was re-energized and moving at a normal pace.  like when you feed your body junk for like a few weeks or something and then go do something healthy like NOT eat mcdonalds breakfast with a hangover and then try going to a child's birthday party.  your body feels different.  it feels alive and awake and ready to take on everything.  it runs faster, breathes easier, and it is fearless and relentless and .... well, i dont know any other way to put it than alive.

have you ever had that moment?  that one moment when you go from feeling down and sluggish to alive...just like getting that dose of Vitamin D and facing a sunny day with a smile and having it change your current pattern of thinking and your physical state.

id been feeling down, alone, and really dejected.  i know i can chalk a lot of it up to "minnesota winter blues" since it is rarely sunny or acceptable in arctic temperature for what feels like decades, but there was something else.  this feeling of just .... emptiness.  uselessness.  purposeless.  .... BOREDOM.

i wanted something different.  it was like one person after another leading me on and dropping me within the blink of an eye.  i was falling into a pattern, hypnotized by negativity and falling to it's rhythm.  i got so low that i resorted to cutting again.  i felt explosive with pain and hurt and i think it had little to do with a mass amount of super weird rejection after rejection.  that just was like the straw that broke the camel's back.  i wasn't dealing with something or DOING something.

and then there came baking.  there came bringing mummy and monster cupcakes to a potluck at work on halloween for the ball to get rolling.  it went from one small thing to another to another to another.  soon i became possessed by the demon of sugar or something because there i went in a frenzy lusting after new baking equipment, shopping around for good deals on boxes and piping tips.  soon it became about believing in myself that maybe, just maybe i was good at something.

let me stop you right there.  im not saying im not good at anything.  i know i am a smart and weird lady and i really am socially impaired.  i know useless bits of information and often talk about urine sediments and my love for microscopes on many first (and last) dates.  i just felt useless in my life.  like, nothing i was doing beforehand was making me feel good about ME- loving and respecting and appreciating the person i am.  giving myself a little bit of the same grace and kindness i now so freely spread to others, having a sincere passion for SOMETHING.  i always new i was a creative person but im not crafty, i cant draw for poop, and i cant paint or sew or build things.  but i can bake.  there was my "a-ha!" moment.  at the ripe old age of 31, it finally came.

one thing turned into another thing and i realized i was really good at something.  i would go to sleep thinking of recipe ideas and began to problem solve and experiment with new recipes with any bit of free time i had.  my brain started moving with such momentum i had headaches for a few weeks.  i believed in myself and found my worth.  no im not saying my value lies in a delicious cupcake, im just saying .... i had that moment of self actualization where you step back and go, "damn, i am a pretty rad human being."  that self love that you KNOW you have needed so desperately. 

i began to change.  i started standing up for myself, speaking up for myself, and believing in myself.  i know me now.  and that feels good.  i even woke up and felt sad once and made a cake (i gave away) because it made me feel happy and warm again.

i still struggle though.  lately the ol body dysmorphic nonsense has returned, flooding my brain cells.  the one thought that crosses my mind is like this baby of a tumor and the more i listen the larger it grows and now it's like i have brain cancer.  (that was not meant to be insensitive before anyone says a thing.)  it's like, every time i give in i lose a small bit of what id gained.  i have this amazing tenacity and relentlessness though.  i  know my grandmas gave it to me.  not that they're strong and powerful women in the community,  just that... theyre some sassy broads.   they definitely just had some moments when i was growing up where i was like, "damn grams.  you said that?"  sometimes they'd "talk back" to their husbands and stand up for themselves or state the obvious and it would cause this kind of comedic moment of yelling because each wanted to prove the other wrong and it really was grams who was right.    anyway that ramble was just.... my body and mind are fighting back.  they are fighting back with such force i sometimes wake up super drained.  im not quitting or caving or going back to my previous way of life and thinking.  i like where i am now.

there's a weird thing though.  my plants... the two things i neglected and i havent killed.  they keep growing in spite of my negligence.  it's like me... somehow i keep going and growing in spite of my negligence.  i  may not be healthy, just like they were a little withered, but with some care, we all started growing again.  the weird thing though is i kind of feel like they feed off of ME.  whenever im feeling down and awful and just start feeding the negativity and start getting into a slump, their leaves start to turn a weird color, shrivel, and start falling off.  even if i water them, they still do it.  when i start changing and living with positivity and kindness (to others yes, but largely to myself), they begin to sprout new leaves, fresh stems, and stand so tall and proud.  i still forget to water them even though theyre growing... nature of my rambly brain.

i feel free and alive and awake for the first time in a long time.  i legitimately feel alive.  im running with it.  i have ideas and im putting them out there and i have dreams and im working on making them a real thing NOW because NOW is what i have and NOW is all i have.

i legit have prayed to die many times in my life, but this feeling now that i get to live with every day the more i nurture and feed it and live it, makes me so thankful that i never went through with it.  i have an amazing daughter, bubs, i have some pretty rad friends, my life is starting to level out for a change, im pursuing something im good at and like to do, i can actually start selling a lot more cupcakes and treats and it's actually a real thing that is going to happen, and i have me.  im happy.  i know who i am.  i know what i am.  i know that i am worth something.  i have purpose which i hope is not spreading obesity and diabetes...

speaking of rambles, im ending this ramble.  i had another ramble and deleted it.
thanks for reading, friend.

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