everyone's a pair

every time i open some aspect of social media, yet another old dating site match, bar hook up, friend, or random acquaintance is hooked up and paired off.  what's really interesting is that most of them have been dating in secret for like months or a year and you never would have even known.

and then there's me.  clumsy, fumbling, verbal diarrhea spewing me.
i just cant seem to say or do the right thing at the right time.
the ones that want to wife me up right away scare me and make me uncomfortable.
the ones that intrigue me that i just want to spend more time with want to take things from a different approach.

with a past full of liars and cheats, how does a girl trust that someone means what they say and really does want to just take things slow?

you spend the morning talking to your sister.
not about your own life.
well okay you TRY to, but everything is a one upper.  her life problems must always trump yours.
but then you realize...
your words are true.
life is beautiful and so short and fast paced.
a full and happy life is waking up every morning and making a conscious choice to face the day as NEW with no ties to your past.

imagine a strong man pulling like a freight train or something.  the speed he can run at without the train is much quicker.  the agony in his face from that weight would be gone if he could let it go.  obviously in one of those competitions you cant let it go or you lose, but you get the point.

why do i hang on to all of the failed and missed opportunities, all of the times that ive been used, ignored, hurt, wronged, abandoned, rejected, lied to, cheated on, etc?  i figured out how to get out of that pattern quick, but now i need to know how to let that all go so i dont end up ruining anything with anyone that does find my nervous quirks adorable, my oddness fascinating, and my friendship necessary.

so what now?  well, i guess i just keep on going as i have been and hoping there will be some silver lining and happy ending.  i guess i just dont worry because ive been fine before this massive outburst of social coupling and i will be fine.  i will be fine.

the past is the past, the now is the now and right now... right now im here and i know people that make me smile and i know i make them smile too.  that's enough for right now.  life needs more smiles.