Saturday, February 25, 2012

necessary, but painful

so i thought i would be so happy and not care.  i thought i could be completely emotionally indifferent and just move on.  but the reality is you moved on so much sooner than i did and so quickly to a point where i question every word you ever said to me about loving me and not cheating on me and about how i would ruin all other girls for you and how i was special and talented and important.  it makes me now question every word ever spoken to me.  cos if all that was true, why a month after we split were you dating someone and having her stay over and meet our kid?  why did you lie about it for a month?  why do you make it a point to avoid certain questions and are unable to pay child support the same month you started seeing this new girl?
i mean honestly id like to live in a world where everyone is happy and no one has hurt feelings.  and yes, i hurt your feelings.  i did.  i know i did.  but at the same time you still refuse to acknowledge how deeply you hurt me for years.
it's hard being alone, having lost nearly all my friends due to the split or from dating you period.  it's hard living in a house alone and having my schedule ruled completely by school, work, housework, homework, or our amazing daughter.  it's hard.  i dont get "nights off" as you so nicely put it.  im needed from sun up to sun down with scant amounts of "free moments" and those free moments, if left alone, cause me to think things like this.  where, im glad youre happy.... im glad you figured a way to deal with being stressed and upset with the cards you were dealt.... but i hate it too.  i hate that you replaced me so soon because i just needed time to breathe.  this breathing room is scarier than i thought.  its lonely sometimes and other times its the most energizing feeling on the planet.
but i need to let go .... i need to give up all this control and this almost vice you became.  you dont own me anymore like i felt you did.  i can come and go as i please, wear make up or do my hair just for the hell of it.  i have no one questioning me if i stay out too late or have had a few to drink.  i have no one texting me asking who i was with or what im doing if i go out with what little friends i have left.  i can have friends now.  i can eat vegetables now and only cook one dinner.
i can play my guitar loudly and have silence to do homework.  i dont have to watch your stupid shows anymore.  i can have hobbies and opinions all my own.
so yeah, sometimes it is super sucky knowing you kiss another girl and sleep next to her while im alone in the bed we shared curled up with extra pillows cos it gets kinda cold.  it's super sucky being stuck with a house you wanted and now suddenly could care less about.  it's super sucky having no life while you get so much time to yourself.  but it's also really liberating knowing that im growing while youre standing still.  im finding peace being alone.  every day isnt easy but its painfully necessary to face the things ive been avoiding and afraid of.  i may not have a crutch and i may fall down and make a total ass of myself, but im at least learning to walk on my own two feet, so the next time, should life throw me such a chaotic storm, i'll be prepared, while you may fall down and look for a hand to pull you out AGAIN.
maybe in time things will be less difficult and maybe ill appear less bitter or hurt.  i made this choice.  i made this choice because i know i deserve better than what you were giving.  i know i deserve better than the facade you made people believe you were.  i know you.  i know all your uglies as you do mine.  you wont last long unless you learn to walk on your own two feet.  and i know youll never read this cos you want me out of your new life.  you want me out of the choices youre making and the decisions youre involved in .... i lost a lot more than you think.  and while this has been the most painful few months of my life, it's also been the best.  im learning.  im growing.  and while its painful, it's necessary... a lesson i hope you learn eventually too.

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