im starting to come to a place where i realize what i want. it's scary when it slaps you in the face. youre running in a direction only to be halted by a brick wall called "ADULTHOOD."
when i split with my ex, i had one goal in mind - to get a grip on myself. i lost myself in a 4 year relationship where his hobbies and patterns were cultivated and honored above my way of life and living. needless to say it was not a very supportive 4 years. no ill will, just... it's hard to see how much of your personality and self you compromised for a "boyfriend" and "love."
my goal was to be like a dude.... just to have meaningless encounters with different people and go on my merry way. maybe select a few to hang out with more than once.
well, i got slapped hard and cold in the face yesterday when it hit me.... I AM A GIRL! i am a total girl. i honestly don't know how guys do it. i get attached. i want more than meaningless nonsense. i can pretend i don't and try to convince myself i don't but when the day is over and im lying awake, im wishing for that chick flick ending where there's a knock at my door and it's not someone trying to scope out my house for a robbery. i wait for those sentences that end these movies on a high note where the dorky girl (that would be me in real life) gets the sweet, thoughtful guy that throughout the whole movie was oblivious to her.
i mean of course this is cheesy and gushy, but i realized that even if it is completely far fetched and unrealistic, it's what i want. i want someone to be nice to me just because and not because they want "something" in return. i want someone to surprise me and be thoughtful. i want someone to remember my birthday. i want someone to listen to my nonsensical chatter, laugh with me, and let me cry to them without telling me that tears are for the weak. i want someone to think about me and let me know it and not wait for me to tell them that i feel neglected and unimportant. i want someone to eat all of my experiments and maybe make some with me. i want someone to support and encourage all my crazy ideas, even if i dont follow through on them all. i want someone to play board games with (yes, i still want to turn operation into a drinking game and have yet to even open the damn box 5 years later). i mean the list is endless, but above all, i dont want meaningless bullshit. i dont want someone who is so stuck up their own ass that they think they can come and go as they please, lead me along and then drop me like a bad habit yet come back when they are feeling down again. i want someone who knows how valuable i am. i dont want someone who overuses complimentary words like "pretty" and "beautiful" and wont tell me that the only reasons they like me are because im "quirky." i dont want someone who forgets that im a girl and i like to hear that im liked and thought of and attractive. i dont want someone who thinks if they said it once 4 months ago that that was enough.
i dont want someone to push their opinions and hobbies on me and who embraces me for who i am. i want someone who knows how to have a good time without abusing "a good time." i want someone who knows their limits. i want someone to embrace the role of being the man and doesnt hand me the pants when times get tough. i want someone that values family and knows when to put themselves aside for the sake of bonding with their family.
i could go on endlessly with my ideal list and for once, im proud this list does not mention any sort of physical characteristics. i dont care about hair color, stature, eye color.... just good hygiene and a nice smile.
but the point of this ramble.... im growing up. i cant and dont want a meaningless fling with various individuals to keep my options open. i know it's recent since my split and don't get me wrong. my goals still remain the same.... ME ME ME. i want to work on music, get back to the gym, train, finish school, and be the best damn mom audrey can have. i just want someone to laugh at the funny stuff with, enjoy the simple things with, and give me the kick in the pants i need when im zoned out watching 30 rock instead of doing math homework.
so, aging maybe has some perks to it, but it is also frustrating. i'd rather be indifferent and emotionless instead of having forced patience thrown at me. if you know me, im the least patient person possible. til then, i work on me.