over the hill officially

31
i turn thirty-freaking- ONE on thursday.
holy shit.

young kelly never thought she'd make it to this age.
in fact, young kelly aspired to be a famous musician in some ska band by now.
sorry young kelly.... that kinda ska is pretty dead.

i never thought i'd be where i am.
in a one bedroom apartment, uptown, with bubs and a cat named after my all time favorite food... pickle.

every year that goes by though, i look back at my former self and am ashamed.  i feel like i owe so many apologies and reparations for the things i have done, felt, and said... for the ways i have lashed out and responded so childishly and immaturely.

i suppose that's life though; the perks of growing up and older....

that term... over the hill....
im sure someone thought by a certain age that all acts of childishness and immature rationalizations would be gone by then.... that one has surpassed some figurative hill and is finally on the other side where bad decisions and poor choices don't occur.

i don't think that way.
not that im aiming for failure, but im aware that i will always make a mistake, be in the wrong in some situation, and not act at my best at some point.
but 31...

i have to say that i am grateful to have come this far.
in the past year i have grown a figurative pair.
i stand up for myself  now.
i may not ever have the highest self esteem, but god damn it, now i know that i'm worth more than how i've been treated and refuse to let people step on me as if i were small and miniscule.
i dont give a rat's ass or two fine gold shits about ever having a boyfriend or being in "love" whatever the fuck that actually means.
i love my growth.
i love my friends and the family i have made in recent years that are teaching me to stop being so fucking uptight, to let go, face fears and logical thinking and be free to enjoy and experience life.
i believe in myself now.
i find myself growing at work and facing things with a different persona than i normally would have.
somedays im better than others.....

so here i am, facing a day where i will be one year older....
im grateful that i get to spend it with people that bring smiles to my soul and that are choosing to spend time with me.  i love their lives for enriching mine so much.  i love them for challenging me and teaching me and helping shape and change me. 

im excited for this new year... maybe not the actual number i have to verbalize when asked how old i am, but still.... it's a whole new adventure.