Monday, July 21, 2014

external chaos

"give it a few days and everything'll be better..."
but the moments passing til that day send me running for cover
explosive battlegrounds on all sides
testing luck and chance trying to survive
I put my head down absorbing the words that judge and criticize
head down so far I can't see the nearing finish line
just trying to make the best of what is
until the best becomes a real point in time
raising tiny, shaking hands to begin that upward climb
and it's a long one
these couple of days have been all clouds and no sun
drained from knowing it's far from being done
but onward.... onward's my only choice
to weather the storm with lifted fists
keep on pulling myself up with shaky grips
give it a few days they say....
smile through the fear they say
it'll all be okay they say
well I hope they are elite psychics
I hope they know some Jedi mind tricks
because despair is a comfortable place to begin to rest
to take a break from this failing conquest
to try to make better of the worst
and find this hidden best

i wrote this lil bit of nonsense on my fb page today after a complete adult shit storm hit the fan and sprayed every area of my waking life.

i know that sounds completely overdramatic and it would be easy to be like, "hey, kelly.... really.... shut up and realize how good you have it."  
honestly i know by the end of the week, the dust will settle and some things will be ok.  honestly i know that and that's all that kept me from having a serious mental breakdown.  that doesn't stop the worrisome thoughts and increasing anxiety as minutes pass into hours with no resolution to the problem still at hand.

just as i begin to conjure a belief of good things for my life, reality sets in, the dark cloud blankets the display of light and smiles and there i am.... surrounded, trapped, and smothered by the dark despair of a life shit storm.

im trying to hold hope and hold on and just keep going.  im trying to forget the have nots and isnts and things resembling a negative stature.  sometimes it's just so easy though.... so easy to curl up in a ball of sadness and forget everything around you- even forget that life happens and people are busy and you with your misery are not the center of anyone's world.

within this external chaos.... im trying to find the strength to crawl one extra inch so as not to be covered in the smallest amount by dark despair.... im running out of energy though....

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