Friday, July 18, 2014

a change of status

i could look at this change of status and partly feel bad.
partly feel bad that you finally got the message.
partly feel bad because you are no longer speaking to me, not even a blip on the radar of friend.
partly feel bad because your friend is now texting me daily to see if i think he is too weird to ever hang out with.
partly feel bad because i don't feel all that bad.

i am so sick of accepting blame and feeling sad and sorry.
i am so sick of devouring your affection, love, and kindness for mere days before things are official (again) and you slowly become this self absorbed lump of excuses and coldness.
i am so sick of accepting that as my emotional fate.

a short while ago, i realized i deserved better.
i realized that i am not like some women who want it all.... looks, money, fancy things, dates, presents, 24/7 love and attention.
i am stubborn, self-reliant, busy, and kind of a tomboy.
i realized that what i want is fathomable, legitimate, and healthy.
i realized that i will not settle for less than what i deserve.

what i deserve is this:
someone that doesn't forget when we have plans
someone that doesnt spend hours on their phone on various apps and cant reply to a single text - especially the cute ones telling you something sweet and sincere
someone that CAN tell me something sweet and sincere
someone that can SHOW me they love me and i matter, not with grand, expensive gestures, but simply by being thoughtful and real.... because thought requires no effort or strain.... it's just a reaction
someone that wants to be around me
someone that wants to get to know me
someone that wants me to get to know them
someone with interests and hobbies and a life of their own but also that wants to make time to see me and makes that time a priority
someone that can give me space
someone that can trust me when im not around and not inquire as to every text message or phone notification from various social media apps
someone that will encourage me and inspire me to do music not for any other reason than to see me smile
someone that reminds me im beautiful not because of looks but because of who i am
someone that lets me be who i am
someone with a sense of adventure
someone who can man up, plan a date, and not leave everything up to me
someone who is romantic and can treat me like a lady but also let me play in the mud and climb trees

someone like this does exist.
im in no hurry to find him.
but im in no mood to settle until i do.

so while you may not speak to me anymore right now because you finally got the 14th message of how we are no longer together and i can not at all be your girlfriend because of how up and down you are and how i do not appreciate being called bi polar for having said these things.... i will always miss you and the short time you were someone i thought i could be with before the mask came off and i saw your true self.  youre angry and stubborn and distant.  you're vacant and selfish and the ultimate king of excuses.  

so with the final change of status... i continue on as i did before and you the same.  and should i see you again, i hope there can be a kind hug and heartfelt hello.  maybe this change in status to the point where we are no longer speaking is for the best....

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