Friday, August 8, 2014

the perpetual pessimist

3 mugs of coffee and one bowl of oatmeal later, i am laying in bed.  picklecat, knowing my fears and hesitancies, is rubbing her face against mine, staring at me and nudging my arms with her head.  she knows.

today is *hopefully* the last child support hearing i will have to deal with.  it is to recalculate the current amount based on our new pays, our current parenting schedule, and i am trying to get the near $200 owed in back support. 

getting myself ready to go always feels like before jiu jitsu or judo tournaments.  i feel like i have to center myself, get my mind clear, my emotions out of my thoughts and words, and just remain calm.  anger only led to getting myself in a bad position.  frustration led to a mistake and i would lose.  i remember the first court case.... his overly arrogant attorney sat there with her horribly done up hair, her done up nails, and her gigantic coach bag glaring at me, judging me with every stare from the corner of her eye.  she sat seated on the bench with my ex and his aunt (who said she was there to support us both, but having paid for his attorney and spending most of those 3 hours ignoring me, i can assume that was not correct).  not in front of any legal personnel began asking me questions, attacking my lifestyle and character, implying that i was lazy and trying to leech off of her client.  if anyone at ALL knows me, they know i try to scrimp my pennies together to give bubs the best and i work my ASS off around everyone else's schedule, picking up weekend shifts when i dont even HAVE to work, just to make extra money.  i won that day.  i did not bend or break or cave.  i was calm, stood my ground, and smiled at her smugness whenever i caught her glaring at me.  i also called my dad in between mediator sessions and asked him what to do all the while pretending i was conversing with my day care provider.

the second round was simple.  she tried to alter our schedule making it look as if i didnt have audrey as much as i said i did.  i hung over her shoulder and put my finger on her paper pointing out where she was wrong. 

today, i have that same nervous energy radiating through my body.  i want this to go fairly and smoothly and quickly, but i have a feeling it wont.  i have a feeling since this is her last shot at redemption she will come out, guns blazing, accusations firing, all to save face.  i dont submit easily. 

even in jiu jitsu sparring matches, i would wait til my elbow was about to snap or i was about to pass out from lack of oxygen before i'd tap and surrender.  in this case, i know i am in the right.  i know that i work really hard and am just trying to make sure audrey's needs are met fairly.  i know that i have supported her far too much on my own.  i have spent all of the money i had and had to borrow trying to keep us from being late on rent and losing our car and having food to eat.  i know that i am the one that takes her to her doctor's appointments and is looking for potential schools for her to attend.  i know that i spend time with her drawing and coloring and playing.  i know what i sacrifice for her and i am prepared to defend my honor to the death.

so, smug, arrogant, obese lawyer lady with your coach purse and your horribly applied make up.... you who have NO CLUE what it means to struggle and be a single parent working and attempting to pay student loans from having had to go to school WHILE being a single parent to get a better job to support yourself and your child.... shut up.  keep your sideways glances of judgement and trickery to yourself.  i will continue to sideways smile at your attempts to intimidate me.  i will continue to chuckle in your face knowing that you know nothing.  you have no evidence or proof.  i am not who you think i am, nor will i cave to your scare tactics.  you dear lady have lost before and will be on the losing end today.  have fun going back to your prestigious law office with that hanging over your head.  you were shut down and shut up by a 5'2" quirky ball of spunk with tattoos and a will that can not be broken or shattered by legal jargon and false accusations. 

i remember in a judo tournament once... it was for state... i was going up against a junior olympian.  the ref signaled for the match to begin.  she charged at me with her arms open and some roar of a battlecry.  i was startled but tripped her and she fell on her back signaling the ippon and my win.  i dont give a shit about titles and names and positions. 

my name is kelly and it literally means bold warrior.  days like today im thankful for a name that speaks such truth and courage into my spirit.  so hopefully today i can shatter the worry of defeat and know that i can not be destroyed by the arrogant and smug.  truth shall prevail and i shall be declared the winner yet again..... or i can just cut myself shaving, not notice and shove a bunch of blood in his lawyer's face again to gross her out?

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