Tuesday, August 5, 2014

a moment of absolute vulnerability and weakness

i may be saying just a bit too much here.
i may be typing words that will come back to bite me in the ass.
i may worry some of you and im sorry.
you dont need to worry though.... that i can promise with all sincerity.

a few weeks ago, i sat at this very table in the seat across from me.  i was waiting for cookies to come out of the oven.  i was in a situation that made me feel small, degraded, worthless, and well.... stupid.  i cried.  i cried for so many hours, my eyes were swollen and sore and i could barely see, let alone think straight.  i wanted to end my life that night.  it has been a very long time since i have felt low enough to contemplate suicide again, but with one final push from a very rude person, the idea crossed my mind to the point where i had to reach out to a friend for help.  he raced over, hugged me so long i began to cry some more.  he told me how shitty i looked and bummed me a cigarette.  i promised him i would seek more help.

the next day i talked to my psychiatrist who upped my meds (which has helped a little) and with his recommendation, i promised i would begin going to therapy again.  i need SOMEONE to talk to and be real with....

so until that appointment.... hello interwebs.  meet the real me.

i am so flipping tired.  i know i know.  everyone is tired all of the time always.  i mean i am seriously and ridiculously TIRED!  im tired of everything being my responsibility and fault even if other people could potentially have been held accountable or have helped.  im tired of having to be on top of everything without the wiggle room to be a human and ... gasp... make a mistake.  im tired of having to be "ON" non stop and be like a god damn circus clown, entertaining everyone with jokes and stories and dance numbers.  i feel vacant and void like i dont even know who i am anymore.  i dont know if i have a hobby because i dont really get time for one.  if i get to see my friends (whoever is left of them anyway), im not even sure what to talk about.  my job makes me frustrated and angry.  im exhausted at the end of the day from trying to be super mom for bubs and super employee at work and super me for me.  i continuously come last to the point where i need a serious break.  i don't get to be weak and vulnerable and exposed.  those are moments of attack from everyone around me.  a moment to gloat in my failures and mistakes.  a moment to feel better about themselves because i cracked under pressure.

it's hard to be able to take care of myself because i have no energy.  i am literally non stop for over 18 hours a day and i am tired.  i feel bad if im not around bubs cos then i feel like a bad mom.  i feel lazy if i skip work to take time off.  i run on coffee and cigarettes and maybe a red bull here and there.  i miss making music but am so void of any emotion other than tired that im not even sure where to begin.

since bubs was around 18 months or so, i have been in school, working, and splitting parenting time with her dad.  i never get a babysitter to go out.  i worked weekend overnight shifts through school.  2 years later, i had a 40 hour per week externship along with working weekend overnights, i passed a certification exam for medical assisting and part of my xray license exam (enough to xray extremities), and moved twice along with getting a job and then a different job so i could work with kids.  im just constantly going going going to the point where i am running so much on fumes that im not sure how much longer this charade can last.

world, i am weak.
i can not handle everything.
i am not super mom.
im not super anything.
im just someone that needs a break in the form of some spare money to get  caught up on bills, a few good nights rest, and maybe... just MAAAAYBE a haircut.

i always hope that one day good karma will come my way but instead of the shiny life preserver, i am drowning.... slowly sinking and under the weight of it all.

help.  i need something to remind me im alive and real and a person.
if it doesnt come soon im afraid for the shell of a person i will become.

this moment of absolute vulnerability and weakness was brought to you by me.
please judge responsibly.

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