note to self

it's going to be ok.
even when you think it isnt.
even when you have snot dripping from your nostrils.
even when you are hiccuping and gasping between sobs.
it's going to be ok.

it has been ok before in similar situations.
it will be ok after.

you cracked because you said you were tired of having to be strong and having to be tough.
girlie, that's just who you are.

look.  take a real, hard, good look around you.
no,  it isnt perfect.
no, it's no fucking disney movie.
it's life.
it's the life your decisions and choices have led you to up until now, some good, some bad.
but it is your life.

YOUR life.
you rely on no one far too often (which can be good and bad).
you are stubborn and make things work that probably shouldnt.
you are clever and giving.
you are a loving momma that anyone at first glance of you and your lil bubs can see.
and they see her and say "job well done" cos she isnt a snot nosed screaming brat throwing shit off the shelves at target.
she is polite.
she is kind.
she is friendly and giving and loving.

so lady, before you try to put on one more party hat for the pity party with no guests but yourself, take a long hard look at your life inventory.
take a long hard look at the struggles you have gone through.
remember the cold sting of being alone.
remember the outright insanity you've felt at being so out of control with your feelings.
remember banging on death's door pleading for an entry.
yeah you're not there anymore.
you're here.
you're alive in the now and you've made it.
you've made it this far.

it's been ok before even when you thought it wasnt.
you've swallowed your pride and gotten help before and nothing bad happened.
there was no public shaming of you in the stocks.
you've swallowed your pride and gotten help again.
remember the cold sting of being alone?
you're not there anymore.
YOU ARE HERE.

everything is going to get better.
everything is going to be ok.
note to self.... reread this every once in a while. 
im sure it'll still hold true and save your sanity then too.