i couldnt sleep. i woke up worried bubba's dad wouldnt bring her raincoat, so i texted him at 345am to ask if he would bring it to my apartment when he dropped her off this morning. and then it began. i began looking through photos of girls i knew staring at their waists and thighs and arms. not in a sexual way but in a judgy way.... like a self-depricating, self-judgy kinda way.
i got up and began to work out. not much cos i was in a half awake stupor, but enough that my brain said "hurry up fat ass. lose weight now. youre a fat cow."
bubs and i are going to the kiddie pool at the park today. i put on a bathing suit and shorts (the one pair that fits) and decided to shut up and stare at my body in the mirror. im not a fat cow. im a work in progress. change is not microwaveable. we live in a society that is so fixated on instantaneous results and gratification.
i need to be patient with myself mentally and physically. i can not condemn myself for eating a bowl of cereal or having a banana. i can not condemn myself for having a sandwich at a picnic. i CAN understand that i need to make choices that fuel my body and make it feel energized. i CAN get up and exercise because it wakes up my body and makes me feel good inside.
these are the changes i need to focus on. this is what i need to remind myself of as i stare at a pile of size 2 and 3 shorts on my floor that no longer fit. im not a numerical value. im a mom. im a caring and compassionate human. im creative. im talented. im adventurous. im a person.
the same grace and kindness and love i extend to others i NEED, i MUST extend to myself.... or this whole life of mine is going to be in vain. i can't let that happen.