Monday, June 8, 2015

i am not a numerical value

i couldnt sleep.  i woke up worried bubba's dad wouldnt bring her raincoat, so i texted him at 345am to ask if he would bring it to my apartment when he dropped her off this morning.  and then it began.  i began looking through photos of girls i knew staring at their waists and thighs and arms.  not in a sexual way but in a judgy way.... like a self-depricating, self-judgy kinda way. 

i got up and began to work out.  not much cos i was in a half awake stupor, but enough that my brain said "hurry up fat ass.  lose weight now.  youre a fat cow." 

bubs and i are going to the kiddie pool at the park today.  i put on a bathing suit and shorts (the one pair that fits) and decided to shut up and stare at my body in the mirror.  im not a fat cow.  im a work in progress.  change is not microwaveable.  we live in a society that is so fixated on instantaneous results and gratification. 

i need to be patient with myself mentally and physically.  i can not condemn myself for eating a bowl of cereal or having a banana.  i can not condemn myself for having a sandwich at a picnic.  i CAN understand that i need to make choices that fuel my body and make it feel energized.  i CAN get up and exercise because it wakes up my body and makes me feel good inside.

these are the changes i need to focus on.  this is what i need to remind myself of as i stare at a pile of size 2 and 3 shorts on my floor that no longer fit.  im not a numerical value.  im a mom.  im a caring and compassionate human.  im creative.  im talented.  im adventurous.  im a person. 

the same grace and kindness and love i extend to others i NEED, i MUST extend to myself.... or this whole life of mine is going to be in vain.  i can't let that happen.

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