Sunday, June 7, 2015

whiny little crybaby

i dont really read past posts on this thing.  the few times i did, i realized i sounded like kind of a whiny little crybaby.  i kind of sounded like an idiot actually.  each time i'd then post some self reflective nonsense about how i was never going to be that person again.....  only i kept ending up that same little whinypants with a larger vocabulary and different people in said scenarios.

i've been spending a lot of time alone lately.  part of it is that im around people and bubs all week and i just need to decompress which happens to be on the days most people are out n about having a fun life, and the other part is that everyone i know is in a serious relationship moving forward with their lives or partying their brains out.  i cant keep up with either lifestyle.

im about to be 32 next month.  i noticed none of my shorts from last summer fit.  my hips have widened, my ass is a lil rounder, and sometimes i eat like im still pregnant.  i think back to times when those shorts and tank tops DID fit and flatter me.  i was drinking a lot, hardly eating, and doing a lot of damage to my body with the lifestyle i was living.  i wasn't healthy.  not that im remotely healthy now, but i find myself abusing my self esteem merely for not fitting in a pair of fucking shorts.  i blame these hips and this ass and slight double chin of mine for keeping a boyfriend away.  i blame my body size and lethargy for my low self esteem, when in reality it's my own head that is keeping me in seclusion.

what kind of person wants to be around someone that is constantly hurling insults at them?  i wouldnt.  sometimes i fear being alone not because im alone, but because i am SO, SO mean to myself.  until i learn to love myself the way i one day hope to BE loved, im not going to attract any decent humans (or any humans at all) into my life.

i've googled every god damn diet possible, have every "month challenge" fad screenshot onto my phone's gallery and still nothing.  im taught by mainstream media to seek a thigh gap and that size 3 waist i no longer have.  im taught by mainstream media to hate myself for looking the way i do and not being a toned mannequin.

ive come to idolize people like amy schumer and tina fey.  they have made me realize that getting older and being a woman doesn't mean i have to strive for some photoshopped image of my former years.  i need to love the skin im in whether it has stretch marks and a lil sag or is tight and toned.  i will never be a photoshopped cover model.  i dont recall a time when i was ever super stick thin.  even in my most anorexic and unhealthy years, i have not once been all bones like my internal monologue claims i should be.

there comes a point in time where you just need to tell yourself to SHUT UP!!!!
SHUT UP to the lies that i am worth only my weight on a scale.
SHUT UP to the garbage that i need to fit into a size 0-3 to be beautiful.
SHUT UP to the nonsense that no one can love me and want to be around me until im bonier.
it's bullshit.
it always has been and always will be.

so why after decades am i still believing this sick leech and feeding it like some sick rescue pet?
i don't know.
i wish i knew.
i wish i knew why i desire some outward perfection, i type as i realize i've eaten an entire bag of tortilla chips in one day with the words "1200 calorie day meal plan" typed into my google search bar. 

so maybe ive gained some weight.  maybe my hips are widening with age.
maybe my metabolism is slowing and i can no longer eat my weight in nachos on any given sunday.

so what?

im not a number on a scale or on a tag.  im not some size chart letter system that has changed over the years.
i am kelly.
im a quirky, child-like thirty-something who is fed up with being insecure and body conscious. 
for anyone that should judge me by the size of my thighs or waistband or for the mere fact that i have a lil junk in my trunk and jiggle in my middle- FUCK OFF!

i need to start seeing me for me, wholly and truly.
don't get me wrong, i do want to fuel my body better and get more exercise to fight off the lazy behavior i have adapted and help my body and mind fuse in a healthy harmony.  i also want to stop saying the words "fat" and "skinny" in front of my child who now has begun telling me im beautiful when i throw the few clothes that fit from last summer onto the bed in a frustrated heap. 

i don't want to enter 32 as the whiny little crybaby i have been for the past few years.
i am not the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things i say about myself and more than likely, NO ONE ELSE THINKS THEM ABOUT ME BUT ME!!!!  (and if someone does go, "oh that girl is so nasty and fat," then really, do i need them in my life anyway?)

my plan is to get moving: hiking, walking, hopefully some jogging, doing little things at home to keep active, climb trees, and make better food choices, NOT to be acceptable on some letter and number scale every clothing company states as perfection, but to be a healthier version of me, mentally and physically, whether i gain a pound or lose 17. 

i hope this can help someone else.  i know as a woman im not the only one fighting this daily mental battle.  it's definitely the most annoying thing ever how men can be accepted for whatever body theyre in and women have to strive to attain this bare bones, airbrushed picture of perfection. 

im taking off my whinypants and putting on the ones from last summer that are a tiny bit snug and im going to love me as i am, muffin top and all and get back to living life without worrying about who is staring at my lack of a thigh gap.

to quieter thoughts and better days....

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