Monday, June 13, 2011

a goal, a challenge, a dream

watched julie & julia about 2 times in one sitting.  this movie made me feel good.  i feel so much like julia child in the beginning.  here she goes trying all these different things when all she really wants to do is cook.  and there is julie with this crap job and half completed goals and a love of cooking.  they both set out with goals and face intense struggle and upset.  but they both have a support system and an amazing drive that help them through til the end.
i need a goal.  i need a challenge.  i need something that keeps me going.  i gave up on guitar because it drained me.  i cant do bjj right now because i might need knee surgery.  what can i do?

i dont think i have taken care of myself in so long.  my hair is a rats nest.  i am overtired.  i am in a field i like at a job that's not entirely what i want to do.  i want to go back to school but keep getting the "NO."  i want healthy relationships and friendships but seem to keep hitting brick walls and dead ends.  i want the joy and smile that i see on julia's face when she cooks. 

i wonder what makes me happy.  i wonder what would bring that light back to my eyes.  i think i care too much about what everyone else wants for me and what everyone else thinks about me to just go and do.  i have a busy life.  i am a mom, a homeowner, and i work.  but shouldnt i too be able to be happy?  shouldnt i too be allowed to have that spark of life that gets me going every morning?

maybe its time i spend time focusing on me, finding what makes me tick and breathe again.  maybe its time i spend less time worrying about everyone else and just worry about me, making myself smile and feel alive.....
now where to begin?

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