Tuesday, June 14, 2011

life: an eternal high school

i dont even know if anyone reads these things but sometimes i feel it ever so necessary to just get my thoughts down and out of my crowded brain.
for anyone like me, you werent the popular kid ever.  and i mean ever.  i cant remember having hoards of friends growing up.  just a few close ones that stuck by me through merciless teasing and school yard brawls.  yes whoever is reading this, i got into some fisticuffs in my hayday. 

i just feel like my adulthood has become a never ending reminder of high school.  all these social mediums we parade ourselves around on are probably the worst at it... lets start back at the beginning.  remember when instant messages were the thing to be doing.  i remember being 15 and staying up til the wee hours of the morning talking to strangers and friends..... the popularity contest then was who had more contacts than who.  then it moved onto things like friendster and myspace and now the ever popular facebook.  it's about how many friends you have, how many comments you get on your status update or new pictures every day, who posts on your wall and shows you they love you.... then things like twitter come into play and its all about how many followers you have, or even things such as this blog..... i dont think anyone reads it and it says i have a few followers.....but only a few.

why are these things held in such high merit?  why is life an eternal reminder of the childish antics of my former years when i had no idea how to dress myself, was chubby and wore glasses, and fell up the stairs almost on a daily basis?  why do i still feel like that dorky 14 year old who came home alone after school and didn't really have many people to hang out with or talk to and those that i did hang out with my mom disapproved of because they had pink hair and liked nirvana? 

sometimes i feel like my words fall into an endless void and no one can hear me.  sometimes i feel like the forgotten kid in the back of the classroom just wishing the "popular kids" would say hi to me.  sometimes i wonder who else feels like this though.  i never know who had the same past as i did.  i mean, i look at the kids that picked on me all through grade school and high school and they are overweight losers .... well most of them.  most of them made nothing for themselves because they were too vain to look forward and see that their good looks would not bring them the best things in life.  other times though, i feel like i am screaming out for approval from people that don't even matter at all.  i cant tell you how many people i have deleted out of my phone or off facebook at times like these because i just have this sudden "a-ha" moment where i realize that these idiots dont determine my value and if they cant see how fucking amazing i am then i don't need them dragging me down.  then moments where i feel dejected and alone come around and i find myself yearning for someone's approval and return to these morons only to have them block me or ignore me completely....

how i wish i could have grown up better.  i wish i could still just grow up.  why is my mindset plagued with this juvenile behavior?  if i have but 3 good friends in my life, wouldnt that be better than 2987 people that just want to know me?  but at the same time i find myself yearning to do something great that would make 2987 people want to know me.  i feel like i havent achieved anything or reached my greatest potential.  i feel like my ideas and desires have fallen on dry soil and deaf ears.  fuck, i dont think my therapist really gave a shit about what i had to say...

where does this leave me?  on a day like today, it leaves me eating lunch alone in the bathroom stall where no one can see me.  tomorrow, quite possibly it brings me saying hi to someone i never met before.  the day after that, maybe i cut class with my new friend and go get coffee.... i really couldnt say.  i'm just coming to realize that no matter how hard i try to escape it, no matter how fast i run or try not to look back, life will forever and always be an eternal high school.

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