Saturday, June 25, 2011

to keep my tired eyes from closing

i'm doing my overnite shift.  i worked too fast.  i am out of things to do.  i barely got ANY sleep Friday afternoon because my neighborhood is LOUD!  i need earplugs.  i swear i am going to invest in some.  i worked too fast, have nothing to do for tomorrow really so doing extra is really out of the question right now, and coffee is failing miserably.  i thought if i just began typing all the random nonsense that is running amok in my brain, maybe oh maybe that would keep me awake for 4 more hours.... where i will go home and have to watch my daughter for 5 hours until her dad comes to get her so i can get some sleep.  i dont think that will be a problem!  (insert heaping portion of sarcasm).... i am enviously listening to 5 residents snoring away.... oh how i hate them right now!  (i do love them but right now because i'm so tired, i hate them haha!)

i've been thinking of course about relationships.  it feels like i am stuck on a carousel constantly going up and down and around and around.  i just want off the damn horse and the jackass running the ride wont stop it.  i'm dizzy and sick and just can take no more.  but the music keeps me on.  the joys of carefree childlike abandon keep me somewhere that i'm not sure i belong any more. 

i wonder what the future is going to bring.  already i feel insanely overwhelmed.  'ask for help' is the constant theme of advice and when you have turned yourself into a broken record with the same public service announcement and have seen no results, it's almost better off not saying anything at all anymore.  i feel burdened by fatigue and even by parenthood.  not to say i don't love and adore my beautiful little lady.  she is the sweetest thing and on days where my mood is pure shit, she pulls me from the dumps with a smile or a hug and brings me back to life again.  it's the other responsibilities of life that i think put such a damper on the joys of being a mom.  when you have an unsupportive partner, that doesnt help.  when he is delusional as to how much he contributes and wont see otherwise, that doesnt help.  when your unsupportive partner has 3x a week where he gets an outlet/hobby and you get zero, that doesnt help.  when you work 32 hours a week, watch your daughter 4-6 days a week on top of working, you get tired.  when you also bear the burden of 90% of the housework, the cooking, the bills and budgeting on top of all the previously stated parts of life....yeah summed up, i am one tired mama.

i know single moms have it way worse.  i know there are plenty of people worse off than me in general... im trying to stay positive and see the light at the end of the tunnel but i really cant any more.  it has grown bleak and narrow.  the same conversations with the same outcomes.

im starting school in october.  october 3 to be exact.  in under 2 years i am going to have a degree.... a real degree.  crazy.  im so worried though.  if i'm this burned out now, i dont even think i want to KNOW myself after a few months of school. 

i feel so dead.  i need an outlet... a healthy outlet.  at this point all i have is an overwhelming amount of fatigue and an unhealthy obsession with my body weight and size.... i hate it.  i gained 70 pounds when i was pregnant.  i got up to like 200 pounds and im 5'2" and some change.  now im down to 125 and have the post pregnancy flab and just cant stand it.  the number is never good enough.  the size is never good enough.  all my jeans are sliding off without needing to be undone and yet its not good enough for me.  my goal was to be 115 by july and i havent seen the number move much.  mostly cos my knees have turned to royal shit and i cant do much of anything for exercise until i get them checked (which might result in surgery whenever i get some insurance).  i dont not eat like an anorexic or purge like a bulemic.... but it plagues me.  day and night it is on my mind.  i have a sick compulsion to just grab the places that i feel are too big and just stare at them in a mirror when i am stripped down to nothing before and after my shower.  i weigh myself 4x a day as if the number will change by what i eat or dont eat that day.  i stare at my unfavored spots in my daughter's mirror when we are sitting and playing in her room.  i wonder who thinks im a fat mom.  i wonder who stares at me with the same intent and disgust as myself.  yeah i probably have a problem here but.... i dealt with similar things when i was 15 and came around sure this too shall pass.

i feel though as if everyone i know will or wont befriend me based on my weight and size.  i feel as if new people wont befriend me because of my size.  i feel as if i cant ever be loved or accepted because of my trouble spots.  and even now, in my hopeless fatigue, i sit and stare and poke and pull at all of the demons on my body ....

curse the man or woman that deemed skeletal figures "socially acceptable" and "beautiful."  perfectly carefree people such as myself lose ourselves in this quest for social normality and acceptance. 

i feel like i have had missed opportunities because of how i dont look.  i mean, in all honesty, im short.  i look 15.  im curvy and not toned in all the right places.  i wear glasses.  i dont usually wear makeup or do my hair.  my clothes are more functional than trendy.  my shoes are usually chucks or flip flops and not designer labels.  i dont carry a purse.  i dont have an iphone or a blackberry.  i drink my coffee black and strong.  i like my music indie and mellow.  i drive the speed limit most of the time.  sometimes i flip annoying people off.  im nearly 28 years old and have never completed college and don't have a "career."  my house is 96 years old roughly and is in the hood.  i don't go out and party.  i went to a bible college and was brainwashed for 7 years of my life to believe that a certain way of life and believing was more "right" than any other.  i grew up poor.  i never got to travel the world and have my mid-twenties adventure.  i fear being alone and stay places for longer than i should.  i don't listen to my gut.  i let a lot of amazing people go.  i let a lot of amazing opportunities go.

i try not to get down on my 28 years of existence.  i try to look at the positive... i lost 78 pounds in a year and a half roughly.  i am enrolled in school for something i want to do and can do.  i have a beautiful daughter that is bright and loving and funny and amazing.  i look so casual daily that when i DO dress up i am quite a fox.  i have a couple of medals for jiu jitsu and judo that not many can call their own.  i own a house.  i played guitar and played shows at the fine line for a year once a month.  i have come in contact with some stellar people.  i am really social.  i had a kid pretty early so there's still time for an adventure.

i just need my brain to snap back into reality so things can make sense again.  i need to stop looking at myself as a shell of a person and regain confidence in what truly makes me tick.  i need to stop focusing entirely on the exterior of myself and understand that what makes me tick is pretty fuckin great.  i need to believe in myself and believe that i know what's  best for me and can handle tough times.... i mean shit, if i grew up in what i did and came out the hard workin mom that i am.... yeah, i can handle almost anything. 

i think i just get tired .... i get tired of reading blogs of friends whose parents fly them all over the world, whose jobs are amazing and they're only 23, who go to shows and have extensive cd/vinyl collections, who have a vast support system and get to hang out with their friends weekly, who are living the life they planned and seem to be extremely happy.... i get tired of always having to put my nose to the grind and dig.  i want the chance to coast.  im tired of just getting by and having no fun money or time for fun.  im tired of feeling lost.  im tired of being outlandish and childish.  im 28 in one week and one day for crying out loud.  28?!?!

i always imagined things differently for myself by now. what i have instead is quasi-satisfaction. maybe it's time i stop settling and run with the dream i have in hand and go get it? 

all i know is that this bout of rambling has left me in the same boat i was in before but has killed quite a large portion of time that would have been spent with me trying to keep my head off the counter.  thank you blog and thank you reader for giving my shift a sense of purpose again.

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