Saturday, June 2, 2012

emotional cancer

i am a cancer down to the most minute details of the description of this type of person.  the major quality that is resounding is the fact that i am completely emotional.  at least once an overnight shift, i sit at my laptop, take off my glasses and have a good 20-30 min cry.  now some might read this and think that i am emotionally unstable.  on the contrary.  i wish i didnt have emotions sometimes.  i wish i could so far remove myself from feeling sometimes.  yes, emotions and the experiences that come with it are sometimes the most beautiful things, but.... not for me.  the times that i stop and think and feel.... there is one resonating theme that i wish to ignore.  i wish i had the ability to just selectively wipe this feeling from my brain and heart.  i'm constantly reminded of this one feeling, this one want and it irritates me to a level i don't believe anyone could understand.  i know who i am without this one thing.  i know i dont even NEED this one thing.  but i guess sometimes, when im hitting the 3 o'clock hour on my overnight shift, that feeling and that want settle in.  call it fatigue, call it realness, call it what you will.  i just call it annoying.
it's not like i want this one thing as a permanent fixture in my life.  on the contrary, i mostly like to be without it.  but there are those times, those quiet, cold moments where i really want this thing.  or sometimes there are amazing moments, like rolling down a hill at top speed or staring at the clouds finding dinosaurs with stethoscopes or something.... i want this thing then too.
i hate this want more than i hate anything else.  i feel paralyzed by this want.  sometimes i do and say the most stupid things because of this feeling.  this feeling overtakes me sometimes to the point of pure asinine behavior. 
everyone i try to talk to about this feeling reminds me how horrible i am and how not ready i am for this feeling to bear any fruit, for this want to find its place.  i dont think anyone really knows me like i do.  yes of course as a person it is easy to justify ALL of our feelings and wants away and i could quite possibly be doing that now.... but i dont think i am.
this runaround of never knowing, this constant waiting i think is what drives me to a 20 minute tear fest.  i don't want the map and the details now.  i don't want to know any longer EVERYTHING that's gonna happen before it does for fear of failure. 
i just want to know this.... thing.... this thing will be there sometimes.  no doubt, no drama, no chaos, no confusion, and no more tears.
im tired of thinking to myself "ill get there".... my impatience is truly getting the better of me ... as is  my faitgue.

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