maybe this is the process of adulthood and growing up and all the jargon and bullshit we were told as kids. maybe it takes some longer than others. maybe im the some.
i value relationships. mostly i think cos i didnt have very many close ones growing up. in fact, most of the "friends" i have on facebook are people that requested me to apologize for being so mean to me growing up. they hit their stride earlier than i. they came to certain realizations before me and that's fine.
it took me 4 years to rid my life of J. it was needed and necessary and unfortunately many years too late. but it was almost like, that got the ball rolling. i cant say though, that it has ever been easy.
i'll weed people out and somehow they either keep springing up and i just leave them there because i dont have the energy to tell them to peace out, or, i plant them back because i feel like somehow, i cant have my life without them.
i forget their drain on my psyche and emotions until the patterns start repeating. then i kick myself for the juvenile decision i made.
recently, i did a massive uprooting. i came to a point where enough was enough. i may act selfishly. i may lie sometimes. i may say very hurtful and stupid things. i may say things i shouldnt. i may act inappropriately. i may be self centered. these are ALL TERRIBLE THINGS about ME, yes i'm aware. but, for someone to only see my flaws and never anything positive and keep me around because they can put me down due to my shortcomings, never realizing that they have many of their own and just badger and harass me with my failures and flaws.... no thank you. i never claimed to be perfect. i simply want to know what im doing wrong so i dont repeat it, so i can live every day better than i was the day before. so yes, enough was enough and many people are now out of my life and i'm not turning back.
i think about when i weeded and trimmed the trees and bushes in my yard. holy rain forest was it a mess. i didnt want to do it. i hhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaateeeee yardwork. it is tedious. it is time consuming. it is dirty and just.... blech. not for me. BUT, i found that by trimming these few trees and pulling out this bushel of weeds, i had a path leading alongside my house to the back yard. whoda thunk it? just by getting rid of some excess and needless shrubbery, i could find a path.
lately, after taking these people out of my life, im finding that i have a lot about myself that i need to work on, but i no longer hate myself for it. yes, i need to tone my body and lose a few pounds. who out there is NOT insecure about their figure and a woman? i can't say i know ANY. yes, i need to be more aware of people around me and pay more attention to THEM than me. who can say that they are completely selfless and never for once want some reward or praise? i cant say i know ANY. im also finding that i like yoga. i like calmness and stretching and inward reflection. i like science. i love the human body and how it works. i really like medicine and may end up furthering my education even more. i really am a girl deep down. yes i have girl parts but i dont usually act the role. i do like looking pretty and being treated like a lady. i dont always want to be stubborn and self sufficient. i am independent. just by mowing my lawn or cleaning the basement.... im realizing that i got this shit. i feared so much doing this single mom thing and yeah, money sucks. money sucks a big hairy D but.... when i see audrey smile, when i can feed her food every day without worry, when i can buy her a treat or take her to the park........... it's irrelevant. all that matters is her.
anyway, moral of the story.... life's not as scary as i thought it was. the world is not out to get me. sometimes ya just gotta clear away the excess to find the path that was hiding there all along.... on the side of your house.... leading to a back yard full of ..... more weeds and trees, but really i'm just saying.... mentally, emotionally, friendship-ly.... clean up your life. get rid of the weight that's dragging you down whatever form it is coming in.