Thursday, June 7, 2012

in a better place....

for the longest time after J and i split, i thought i needed someone, a replacement.  i thought i couldn't do it.  i thought i wasn't strong enough to stand on my own two feet and that i'd miss sleeping by someone and watching tv with someone and eating dinner with someone. i thought id miss joking around with someone and hanging out with someone all the time.
im fine.
i like sprawling out in my bed at night with no one hovering on me.  i like going out at night with no one asking me where i'm going, why i look nice, and who i'm hanging out with.   i like being able to do my homework with no other noise than that of the 30 rock episode on the tv to distract me from pure silence.
of course, sometimes i want someone to give me hugs and hold my hand.
but its not a priority anymore.
i feared this for so long, but it is the best ever.  i like getting to know myself and spend time with myself.
i like hangin out with audrey.
i like the new friends i've met and im realizing that there are some people, like J that just don't belong in my life. 
for so long i feared LOSING.  losing money, losing people, losing relationships, losing myself.
i lost sight of the fact that not everyone belongs in my life.
stupid social media sites like twitter and facebook base your popularity and social standing on the # of followers or friends you have.
it's superficial nonsense.
it's about quality, not quantity.
id rather 3 good friends than 300 phonies.
im learning who to trust and HOW to trust more importantly.
im learning that not everyone deserves my time or energy.
im learning how to stand up for myself and not let everyone walk all over me or beat me down.
but im also learning im nto always right.
i cant always be so stubborn.
i do need help.
i don't always have the answer.
i'm not always right.
i do need people to put me in my place sometimes.
the most important thing is that i don't need that constant anymore.
i dont need someone around ALL the time.
i like myself.
not every day but i do.
i like the ability to analyze my actions and thoughts and word choices and realize every day that i need to strive and aim to be a better version of that the next day.
im learning it's ok to fail.
it's ok to make mistakes.
it's ok not to be perfect or have it all together.
it's ok to cry.
it's ok to not have all the answers.
it's ok to be alone.
and i like it.

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