changes

i have so many things i wish i could say to people racing through my head while getting ready this morning.
i mean moral of this probably rambly story is that i am a liar and a fake and as big a coward as the person(s) id be pointing a finger at.

but sometimes these changes kind of suck.
i got to a point where i don't have free time.
i can't see anyone.
and when i can, it feels like im in some protective sphere that everyone is afraid to break.
and maybe we are equally distancing each other, keeping a safe distance of arms length.

all i know is that solitude and a sock monkey have become my dearest of friends lately.
i don't even know how to be around people.
so i found myself drinking in excess to calm and quiet the awkward which in turn just made it MORE awkward, cos really, who wants to be around a shy drunk girl?

so i made a choice to stop drinking this weekend aside from the occasional sipping beer.

im making a choice today to re-evaluate the people in my life and really make that connection of whether or not i mattered in the first place.
most often my self-depricating brain full of past traumas is usually in the wrong, but sometimes, sometimes i see that person(s) i had put on such an elated level don't really give a shit at all and i am merely an emotional fluffer- something i definitely can not be.

in this whole summer of realizing my feelings matter and beginning to look out for myself and stand up for myself and just speak the truth or at least my  own muddled version of it, i've gotten rather lonely and have retaliated and shoved a lot of people away.  i also have gained a bit of self respect.  it's a toxic mix, those two....
im trying to sift and strain but i'm really just making a god damn awful fucking mess.

i feel like i have this repetitive eternal plea to those i want to stick around, to those that have been a crutch and a support and FUN and light in my often sad times life.....please bear with me.  i feel like you all have caught me at some ridiculous crossroads and i am weathering the most endless of horrific storms.  no one deserves this kind of malice and stabbing and i catch myself every time and hate myself for it.... and i dont blame you for turning and hightailing it farther away.... i just wish you wouldnt.

so world, im a fucked up little mess.  the war knowing my value vs feeling attacked at every minor turn and retaliating is raging on and there seems to be an end in sight... a balance of gentle words from a very strong ladypants.

i just hope when i get to this end that someone may be left.
my standards are way too high oftentimes, i get that...
i guess the moral of my rambly story then is that im slowly learning... key words... im slow.

happy monday.