before i begin....

i have 12 cups of freshly brewed coffee (which technically is more equivalent to 24 at the strength in which i brew my brew), a pile of sugar, and my radiography for limited practice testing materials in front of me.  tomorrow, at 8 am is my exam for my limited scope license.

now, years ago i would have told you i was too stupid for this.  now, im about to take this exam, take a certification exam for medical assisting in september, and ive decided i want to go back to school, not for radiology like i assumed, but for neuroscience.  i want to go back for neuroscience to do research and development for pediatric neurological disorders.

WHAT THE FUCK?

yeah, me.
little me.
not so little after all.

and that is why i am typing these distracting thoughts before i begin studying. 
this whole experience of my externship, working in a clinic, running doctor's schedules, performing tests, being responsible for some serious shit... it's given me something i knew i needed but never really had....

SELF CONFIDENCE.

you can only tell someone something a million times before it's very apparent that they have to figure it out for themselves. 
i was that lost cause.
only now, im a little less lost.

im not even stressing so hard about this test. 
sure i want to do well and ive been doing the practice modules when i have a free minute instead of seeing friends, but for the first time in a while, i just know im going to do well.
i know where im going and what im doing and .... i know it is going to be a long road and it's going to be challenging and not very financially profitable (not for a LONG while), but ... i know where im going and that means more to me than any monetary prize could ever.

so before i begin studying, while im currently cracked out on a ton of candy and the strongest coffee i have brewed to date, i just feel like i need to share the one thing i am learning over and over, day after day, life milestone after life milestone:

BE YOURSELF... your REAL self.  and if you don't know who you are... take the time to find out.  chances are you're really  missing out on someone great.  chances are, you're meant for greater than you give yourself credit for.  sometimes it takes the quiet of solitude to hear your real self screaming at you and making the soundest statements, speaking the most clear and coherent direction..... sometimes it takes getting away from the crowds and what you think you're meant to be and should be and ought to be, for you to get a handle on who you really are.

i despised the solitude then.  being forced into it now, im the most grateful for it. 
so yeah, i guess now that the tangent is over, time to begin....