Monday, December 9, 2013

maybe im a masochist

so im sanding down some old shitty pieces of a bookshelf to make new wall mounted shelves for my books and clear up some clutter.
i am covered in dust and began to think of what sanding really does...
scraping the surface and exposing the fibers of the wood for something fresh and new.
but still the old hangs around... this dust just covering things until the wood and all remaining surfaces are wiped clean...

i told him everything.  every word i typed out for like 4 pages came out.  i sound like an idiot girl but i realized that's what i am.  i am someone that cares more than they should and cant figure out why....
maybe im just a masochist.
maybe i just crave this pain to feel normal.
i've gotten so used to being on the defense that ever letting anyone in and close is foreign.
not being on the continuous defense doesnt feel right.

i went back through old messages he'd sent and apparently i'd said this all before in july.
i guess i am a masochist for opening this can o worms again.
i guess i want answers and not excuses.

No comments:

Post a Comment