Saturday, December 28, 2013

end of another year or beginning of a new decade?

so 2013 is coming to a close and i no longer have my overnight shift at the group home to dwell on my previous year on the eve of the new one.
so this year, a few days early, i am writing a most drab little blurb about the past year while bubs naps and apparently i cant stop dreaming about soy sauce.

i dont do resolutions.
in fact, i don't really make goals.
i think.
i reflect.
and if you know me well enough, i ramble.
oh my good golly i can ramble.

this year i turned 30.  that is a very different age than anything in my 20's could have prepared me for.  i got to experience half of 2013 as a late twenty-something and the other half as a thirty year old.

i started out believing age was just a number and that i was me and i was unstoppable.
30 proved me wrong.
i started out believing i could party and be a dumbass and come and go as i please with no feelings or pain or relationship fouls.....
30 proved me very wrong.

i started out this year so hopeful, began to believe this was the worst year of my life, and now i am ending understanding that the ebb and flow of things... the peaks and valleys, highs and lows, excitements and tragedies are all a part of this beautiful existence we daily get to witness.

i got to be a part of so many different peoples' lives be it for a moment or for the whole year with promise of more.  i got to experience pain and excitement with others and on my own.

so captain ramblepants, what did you learn?
some funny things:
-gym memberships are bunk
-i like eating and that is OK
-don't eat your feelings cos your grocery bills skyrocket and your jeans wont fit the next week
-no is an ok word to say unless it's to coffee.... there's always room for coffee
-dont fear color
-blow bubbles in the house
-cut off all your hair just because
-having a kid is a great excuse to get out of stupid shit you dont wanna do
-twitter is just not for me.... in fact, im not the largest fan of the interwebs any more
-tell someone you like them even if it's multiple times and amounts to nothing but making them blush

some serious stuff i learned:
-BE HONEST.... one tiny little white lie could ruin very innocent intentions and just telling the truth could be the greatest bridge the expanding gap needed
- LOVE YOURSELF.... i have battled, not just struggled, with my body and my identity and just who i am as a person and i came to find this year IT IS ALL BULLSHIT.  we live in a very vain and narcisistic society that prides itself on this NEED to get attention for looks.   i would like to be healthy and not to fit into smaller jeans, lose the stomach pooch i got from being pregnant, or for some asshole to like me.  i realized the first step to actually even BEING healthy or having the ability to upkeep good self health is to LOVE YOURSELF.  stop critiquing every little thing about yourself or what you said or did or how it was received by others.  SELF HEALTH is important.... more important than a tiny waist.
-spend time with those you love.  shut the computer and phone off for like 15 min and listen to a kid and you will realize they hold the key to truly living.
-STOP!!!! stop worrying about things that are outside of your control.  stop worrying about things you cant change and shit, STOP WORRYING ABOUT MONEY!  there will never be enough, tough times will always be had, and most bills will probably  be late or unpaid for a few months.  bill collectors will always be calling and that is that.  it wont be forever tho.  it's just for right now.  do you REALLY want to spend your whole life stressing about something you cant control?  i mean, shit, i work and get paid and kind of get some child support but sadly being a single mom means one income and the expenses for two outweigh the income of one.  that's just how it is and i can only do so much.
-DO NOT EVER let people walk all over you.  STAND UP FOR YOU because if you don't no one ever will and YOU matter.

so yeah those are a little nuggets that have impacted me greatly.
im mostly beyond thankful to end this year with beautiful new friends that appreciate and love me for ME.  i can be quiet and a hermit.  i can be loud and strange.  i can just BE ME and that is OK with them.  we are there for each other in good times and sad times and bad times.  we crack jokes and have laughs.  they are thoughtful and beautiful souls that i am so extremely glad to know.  im beyond thankful for a new roommate who happens to fit the above description.
more than anything, i am thankful for my partner in crime.  this lil bubs has taught me about what love really means, what sacrifice means, and how rewarding it is to be a mom.  dont get me wrong, she is a pain in the ass a lot of times, causes me stress and headaches, and def gives me a sore throat from time to time from having to repeat myself but.... that kid.  sometimes she just gives me a look or does something goofy and i realize that i may not have everything in my life organized and clean and just right, but i am loved more than one person should be and i think that gives me a one up on many!

so, reflect on your good and bad year and hopefully yours ends with some positive reflections or my own sappy reflections help you realize some good moments in a year of possible bad ones.

love in this new year.  be kind in this new year.  yes to others but holy shit TO YOURSELF TOO!!!!  we are sometimes our own worst critics and so fucking mean to ourselves.  we cause our own misery and pain.  i recall myself saying "i wish someone was nice to me" too many times this past year and the reason i kept repeating it was because I WAS THE  MEANEST OF ALL and spent more time with myself than anyone else.  be brave in this new year.  take chances, open yourself up to new and good things that you fear.  i know im going to try to.  im going to.

im not sure if all of these newfound reflections have to do with the end of this year or the beginning of my new decade but regardless... hope you enjoyed cos if it has to do with either.... we're in luck?  so that being said, merry 2014 everyone (a little early). 


  1. I found your blog while, I believe, searching for pictures of giraffes :P The moment I started reading, I fell in love... I don't want to be weird, but your words speak to me like no one else. I feel the pain and betrayal, I envy your ability just write, to express your emotions so freely. You seem like a amazing, strong lady! You're inspiring me!

    1. im sorry i didnt even see this until now... thank you for your kind words. i didnt think anyone even read this. i appreciate being able to inspire you with my own life nonsenses. keep in touch!

  2. Also, your "sappy reflections" definitely helped me realize so much of what is important in life! Most of all, putting aside stresses and spending quality time with our little ones! They truly teach us the most!