Tuesday, May 27, 2014

fists up and ready to swing

actually no, not really at all....
im feeling quite passive today.
it's warm and dreary and raining.
i barely slept due to nerves and anxiety.

today is round 2 of 3 or potentially the last day of court with my ex and his lawyer to sort out child support and custody.
i never wanted it or expected it to get so ugly but it did.

i digress...
i don't want to get started on THAT tangent.

today i can only speak of myself.
i have no energy left.
i've stated my case so many times via email to my ex, via phone calls and written correspondence to county workers, and raised my voice to an attorney and a district attorney a few weeks ago when i was alone, representing myself and having to be strong.

im not sure i have much strength left.
im tired.
im tired of fighting for what i know is right and just.
i feel sick to my stomach reading that last sentence but it's true.
i feel like i can't win.
like david vs goliath....
here i am, a small and meager thing with a slingshot and a rock and there is this huge beast in front of me ready to tear me apart.

and what's really odd is that it isnt my ex who is the beast...
it's his new gf.
it's his attorney.
it's all of the people filling his head with ideas of what is right and just and how i am an awful human to ask him to assist financially in the upbringing of our child.
it's those people calling me lazy and a thief, telling him i am ripping him off by asking for financial support.
and of course he believes anything that assists in bettering his own position and leaves him comfortable because that's how he works but...
he's never been THIS much of a jerk and even when before the judge and his attorney, the aggressive words and monsterous behavior.... it wasn't from him.
it isnt him.

i just want this to be over.
im tired of fighting.
especially today...
today i have no energy or words left.
ive stated my case so many times i don't even believe it anymore.
i can only say that i am a tired single mom.
im tired and work a lot or have bubs for a full day and then go to work....
when i catch a break, it's after a 5-6 hour shift and i only have to be up again the next morning to work some more.... and it just isn't enough to make ends meet cos i just can't do this on my own.

so today, today i hope this is the last day but it may just be round 2 of 3.... today i just want it to be over but it may not be.  today i am asking the universe for strength and grace because i fear that i have none of the above....

i want to go out with my hands down, not raised.
i want this to be peaceful and not bitter.
but i know my inner resiliency will not cave to bullying tactics.  it did not work the first time and as weak as i feel today, it will not work again.

so as you start your day, if youre reading this in passing...
send a good thought my way.
i just want this whole battle to be over and for it to end peacefully and fairly.
i want to display class and grace while trying to once again state my case how i just need bubba's dad to help financially with her needs and cares.
i want to prove to an attorney that it doesn't matter how vicious you get, the truth will always surpass lies and trickery and elaborate phrases.

off to make myself look court appropriate....

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