Thursday, May 22, 2014

the past, revisited

sometimes i like looking back.
actually no, that's a lie.
i used to not like looking back.
i didnt know how to just FUCKING LET GO.
i would hold onto those feelings, those memories, those painful stabs in the heart and gut...
and seeing faces, hearing songs, reading words, going places.... they would just eat me alive.
i would sink into deep despair and feel sad and hurt and.... take 500 giant steps back from where i was right in that second which more than likely was a better place than when i was in that past moment.

now... now i can say that life is exceptionally better.
im taking responsibility for myself, my actions, my words, my choices, and my life.
trimming the fat and the drama from my life in the form of just accepting what is and who is there and letting go of the fact that some people really just do not have time to be around me, do not like me, and just simply choose to not be around me.  letting go of the fact that i cant be everywhere and enjoy all of the fun things people brag about doing.

this is my life and i make it what i want to make it.
if i want fun and smiles and good times, instead of being a sulky sally about what isnt, i can go ahead and make it what i want.
i can be around people that bring me joy and that i bring joy... people that want to be in my life and that i want there.
i can go places and do things within the confines of my current allotment and live in those moments with joy and smiles instead of bitterness and with my mind in the regret of what isnt.

i finally feel closer to being the free that i know im meant to be.

i think moving away from the burbs and into my cozy little apartment in a city that reminds me of long island with shops in mere walking distance, playgrounds down the street, people riding bikes, and neighbors smiling and saying hello.... it's refreshing and inspiring.
i think taking control of the things in my life that were out of control... responsibility for the clean up of the catastrophic wreckage that was left from a tornado of events over the past 3-10 years.... it is finally setting the wheels in motion without blockage from debris and i can keep moving forward.
the loose ends are being tied and i am no longer tripping on open shoelaces every few steps.  maybe now it's every few yards and maybe soon i can run without tripping at all.

i am far from perfect and far from where i want to be, but...
living in the now....
living with open hands and just accepting what is...
taking the punches...
but getting up again....
falling down....
but getting up, brushing off my dusty knees, putting bandaids on open wounds....
smiling after shedding a few tantrumy tears....
that is key.
stopping to appreciate the life i have and not be angry for the life i have not....

i didnt read a self help book and im not in a new religion...
i think maybe i just woke up...
or maybe some time in seclusion in the burbs with a perfect shit storm destroying my life had me standing in a pile of debris and i was forced to just buck up and move on.
regardless.... i like this new progression.
i like this momentum.
i think i finally like where im at.

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