Sunday, May 18, 2014

logic vs the eating disorder

so you all know by now i suffer from anxiety.
well, not so much suffer, but am working on being treated for it.

when i first began my trial of medication, i stopped eating out of anxiety and seriously gave zero fucks about my body for the first time in a long time.  i guess since beginning them, my body has gained a tolerance and lately.... well lately, the battle is tougher than ever.

last summer i just started vomitting.  i would get seriously so fed up with my ex that the only thing i felt that i could control was throwing up.  it felt cleansing after eating to just throw up.  i can't explain the logic in this thought process because seriously, it is completely illogical.  at that time i just made sense to me.  i had to stop when one day at dinner bubs asked me why i kept going to the bathroom and leaving her for so long.

recently however... recently i have to admit that my desire to binge eat to destroy anxiety has returned and with that.... with that a major phobia of being overweight.  so much so that on occasion, at random times of the day, even if i have not eaten a thing, i will force myself to throw up.  i don't know why it is.  i think it has to do with control.  my stomach hurts from feeling nervous and anxious about things, so i throw up.  that is how i can control it for now and i hate it.  sometimes i will eat so much just so that i can vomit because vomitting on an empty stomach hurts like hell and is seriously the worst.  there's something calming though about seeing the contents of my stomach emptied into the toilet.  i can't explain it.

this morning, the battle inside of my brain raged on in the worst way.  i tried on shorts from a few summers ago since today it is supposed to reach a miraculous 72 degrees.  well, needless to say, my 30 year old body has spread in various places and those shorts are tight as all poo.  sure i got them butttoned, but not in a pretty way.  instantly my brain raced onto calling myself the worst names in the world.  i told myself i was fat and lazy and a glutton and disgusting and ugly and gross.... i told myself that everyone i pass probably stares at my large ass and thighs.  i convinced myself that i cant keep a boyfriend for long because my body is so gross, who would really want to see me naked.

what i didnt think about was the logical truth that when i had bought these shorts three summers ago, i had a problem with NOT eating and was at my tiniest since birth.  of course i immediately dismissed this thought because it made sense.  instead of embracing my curves and my body as it is for being simply a house to my spirit, an external shape housing my bubbly personality, i let it dominate me and my choice of clothing for the day.

with every bite of food and with every ounce of liquid i put into my body, healthy or not, the thoughts plague me ... the guilt harasses me....

what if no one had ever called me fat growing up?  what if i had never heard the words fat or chubby or large?  what if my dad had never made comments about my shape?  what if i were judged simply on my personality and my actual self?  would i be the way i am today?  what if i had a mother that was concerned with her daughter growing up with a healthy body image instead of promoting the disgusting idea that unless one is thin and outwardly beautiful, they are worthless and shameful?

needless to say, this battle has been over 15 years in the process and i am hoping for a strong victory this summer.  i know my meds need increasing, but more importantly, i know some cognitive change needs to take place.  we have started by banning the word fat from our home.  sometimes that isnt enough.  i have made my daughter obsessed with knowing what is healthy to eat and what is not.  while that could be considered good, she is obsessed with it with every bite she takes.

i hope not to lead her down this slippery slope of needing to burn every calorie that she intakes and starving herself to fit into a stick figure obsessed world.  it starts with me though.  it starts with my thought patterns, my words to myself whether voiced or not.

this battle is real my friends and very hard.  i hope i can seek help for it, but the schedule of a working single mother leaves hardly any time for therapy or a nutritionist.  it's much easier said than done..... but being honest here, whether anyone reads this or not is start enough for me....

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