a few little wishes

i wish i were beautiful.
some days i look in the mirror and just hate what stares back at me.
i can only see what ive heard....

fat
lazy
ugly
stupid
worthless
loser
boring
not quite this or that
weird
weak
chubby
uninteresting
unimpressive
tired
disgusting
not attractive
selfish
mean
bitchy
horrible
gigantic

this is just a small list.
there's days i wish i could see what some of the kinder people in my life tell me i am....

beautiful
talented
creative
a good mom
giving
loving
funny
smart
pretty
thoughtful
inspiring
strong
brave
more than enough



i wonder if i could actually see that im beautiful and believe it.... how my life would be different.
i wonder if i wasnt so focused on nit picking at my flaws, if i learned to love the skin and body i am in and love the person that i know i am, how drastically different things would be.

one day i want to wake up and not hate myself.
one day i want to be able to eat food and not be afraid of the fact that i may not have burned all of the calories i took in.
one day i want to know that i am kind and generous and loving.
one day i want to be so sure of these things that all of the negativity would fall to the wayside and i'd finally be free.
one day i want to believe in myself so much that i would never be back in this place....

this place where i hide from meeting new people because im afraid of what they think of me...
where i dont eat in front of people i dont know because im afraid of what they think of me...
where i dont tear apart my closet thinking i look like a balloon float in the macy's thanksgiving day parade....
where i can just love and accept me for me ....

one day ill be free of this....
i just wish that one day would hurry up.