i realize a lot of things while going to the bathroom. tmi i know but.... im not talkin about poo.
a thought crossed my mind just a few minutes ago. i was washing my hands (yup, good hygiene) and looked in the mirror. i was remembering a comment from another mom who said "my goodness you've gotten so skinny." i think about how that comment makes me cringe. i have the worst body image due to years of being overweight and battling various eating disorders. all i can hear is the negative comments that i grew up listening to and can't see me for what i really am. then it crossed my mind.... who told me i have to be a certain size jeans and a certain number on the scale? who dictated this idea of "thin" that i need to achieve? I DID. I DID IT. i'm not failing some ideal that i have to fit into. im simply beating myself up over some UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION that i need to be 97 pounds and a size 0. WHY? where did this idea come from? why is it so important that i achieve this?
then i realized how many other unrealistic expectations i have for myself. if i take full time courses from now until next march, i will graduate. but what about my summer? what about having friends and takin audrey to the lake while the weather is decent? what about having some beers while sitting outside or going for runs around the lake? WHO SAID I NEED TO FINISH BY NEXT MARCH? of course it's ideal and i would love to be out in the field doing what i am going to school for but, realistically, come on now. who is putting this weight of no life and no fun on my shoulders? ME. I AM DOING THIS TO MYSELF.
i think i need to cut myself some slack. i work hard, im a good mom, my house is moderately clean, and im not failing school.... im actually around an A average. so why do i deny myself a few nights of fun? why am i pressuring myself to perfection and solitude?
i think i need to set some new goals for myself. i think i need a healthy dose of reality. i think i need more time on the toilet :)