i think i hit my "a-ha" moment....
a run in with my ex, being reminded of how happy he is, got me upset and sent me on a downward spiral of binge eating and moping around for a few minutes. so, i took a drive and got a coffee. normally i drown my thoughts in music, but this time, i sat in silence. i thought.
i thought about happiness and how ive spent 28 years of existence thus far striving and vying for someone to just love and accept me (friends, relationships, etc). i've spent countless amounts of energy hating the fact that i can be left without thought and replaced without question and effort. and no, i've not been happy. that sends me looking for it in another place or person or food even. (hence a very long and grueling battle with eating disorders and low self esteem.)
but maybe happiness isn't about people, tastes, or chemical/substance induced smiles. maybe happiness is about ME. people come and go and change. taste buds change. highs wear off. at the end of it all, i'm left with me.
this is about me and my own story. yes, my ex may be in his own "happily ever after" right now, but that isn't for me to be concerned with. that isn't my story and those aren't my pages to read. his outcome isn't about me.
right NOW is about me. i am the only constant in my life. IM not going anywhere. IM the only one that isn't going to leave me or change on me. IM not going to wear off and vanish.
so maybe it wasn't the most financially wise endeavor to just go drive and get coffee since im pretty broke, but it did me good. i didn't drown my thoughts out with a song that someone else wrote or feelings someone else has had. i had to face my own self-conscious. and it wasn't as scary as i thought.
maybe happiness isn't about a perma-smile forced and faked. maybe happiness is just about accepting myself, loving myself, and being ok with myself. maybe happiness isn't about my size, shape and weight, the current fashion that i am sporting through clothes or hair, or the people that i am currently hanging out with. maybe happiness is just .... knowing that i am me and that it's enough.