Friday, November 30, 2012

an insomniac's epiphany

i have my pre-awake night shift "i cant sleep" bullshit roaming around my body again.  my eyes are heavy and tired, my mind is racing at crazy speeds, and im tossing and turning on my couch with "it's always sunny..." on in the background.  so i do the usual routine.... get up, make coffee, and find something to occupy my brain.  just now for some reason, logical and rational thought processes ensued. 

there is said boy i dig quite a bit.  said boy has said he digs me.  crazy girl brain i have goes stupid and overthinks and overanalyzes every last thing he does and does not do or say.  logical kelly chimes in and says "LADY NO!"  so, thankfully i havent actually acted on any of those self deprecating, stupid thoughts. 

and then, it hits me...
what am i stressing about?  in life, things come and go.  things change and things stay but it is not up for me to decide what that is.  i don't need a therapist to clue me in that i have trust issues.  just look at my dating track record!  ive been dumped and cheated on by EVERY person ive ever been with.  so of course im afraid to let anyone near me.  it's scary.

but with said boy.... i just want to hang out with this person and enjoy their company and have adventures as much as time allows.  and if it should end after a period of time, ok, that is what was meant to be and at least we had some great times to enjoy.  if it goes on and on, then awesome too, more fun times to be had.  i am not in control of time and people and space and change.  i don't get to determine that course.  i can just roll with punches and what is.  i can know that we both said we want to hang out and see where it goes.... and it goes wherever it chooses to go.  neither of us are in control of that.  and how do i even know what he thinks?  i always assume the worst.... that im being tolerated and not liked and enjoyed.  and who is to say that that is in any place remotely accurate?

so yes, i dont need a therapist to point out my mental flaws.   i just need to let go and let life do what it may.  easier said than done yes... easier said than done.  but it's possible.... and needs to happen.  or ill definitely miss out on fun and adventures and the possibility for some long term adventures.  who knows?   

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