Friday, November 30, 2012

another year comes to a close

and im just a few months shy of 30!!!
i don't know if as a child i ever thought what i would be doing by this age, but certainly i never would have assumed all of this.
i know my dad cringes at my life.
i know he isn't super proud of me cos im not where he wants me to be in life.
and that's fine.
that's his plan for me.

the way i see it.... we're all pretty much headed to the same place and each one of us is on a different path and we'll all make it to the same end eventually.... some of us just take a little bit longer.  so maybe in an advanced world im traveling at a remedial pace.  so maybe i will get there a few hours, days, months, or years later than you.  fine.  so maybe i'll have a few extra stories from my travels that may bore you to tears or enlighten you beyond belief.  i don't know and neither do you.

to be completely honest, i don't think anyone of us has a goddamn idea where we are going and what we are doing.  some just fake it better than others.  and im ok admitting that i won't always have the answer and i wont always be correct and i wont always know right from wrong.  that's ok.  that's part of living and experiencing and figuring shit out.

every person i meet is just a part of a greater story.  bad memories or good.  they are each words on pages part of different chapters.  some words are too horrifying to read and i never return to those pages.  others fill me with smiles and happy thoughts remembering those days.  others are vague dreams i don't remember being a part of... either way, everything and everyone has been a part of my journey for a reason whether i like it and want to admit it or not.

so yes, to people like my dad i am a fuck up and a failure.  i am a near 30 year old who is a single parent with a dumpy house, no college degree, no "successful" job..... but who is to define success anyway?  the things i hear are "normal" disgust me to no end.

take relationships for example-  this whole BULLSHIT concept.... who is to say that 3 months after dating someone you need to expect them to propose and start planning your life together?  you dont know someone in 3 months let alone 3 years!  people change and grow constantly.  people are different with the phases of the moon.  girls have pms and periods.  guys have roid rage.  what im saying is that no one is predictable.  no one is ever who they claim to be cos i don't think anyone really has a handle on who they are all the time anyway.  that's just being human.  that's life.

why can't my concept of a relationship exist?  im tired of being told it's unrealistic.  what is wrong with wanting a best friend to hang out with and have funventures with?  what is wrong with just expecting them to love you for you in spite of all your shortcomings and places for growth and not be looking for "better?"  what is wrong with just being kind to each other and showing each other you give a shit in your weird and dorky little ways?  why is that unrealistic?  what is so appealing about fighting and arguing and drama and jealousy and clinginess and suspicion and having to move in and settle and be someone youre not simply in order to appease?  WHY is that the norm?

and fuck, if im living in a bubbly fantasyland.... then leave me there.  id like to believe my robot boy is out there and we can play with balloons and fly kites and go see the hidden places the world never stops to look at.  id like to think that we can live in the "unrealistic" realm that i so desire to be a part of.  id like to think that he isnt perfect either.... that he isnt completely where he needs to be but is content with just figuring things out and getting there as he does.

life is going to end eventually.  i don't understand the race- this rush for money and stuff and things.  just let life be.  experience what happens as it happens.  don't be in a hurry to MAKE things happen.  not to say you should kick back and coast... obviously be working towards being a better human and have a goal in mind but.... enjoy the simple things.  love the little bits no matter how small or sour or sweet or inviting or deceiving.  life is what it is.... every page is a part of your story whether it is a super happy moment or one that brings every reader to tears.  patience fellow human.....

so yes, im almost 30.  im "not where i need to be in life."  gotta say for the first time ever, im enjoying that and very much ok with it.  im excited to look back on all these pages when im gray and relive the little bits that most overlook.  ill make it to my end eventually and ill see you there.

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