it's funny. ive never cried from a highfive before.
but i did just now.
mostly because i feel so stupid.
i feel used and deceived.
i feel like a dumb girl.
i feel like the dumbest of girls for assuming words had meaning and actions had meaning.
reality is i was an option when convenient, another one to get in line til next time.
those words were merely vessels to gain the momentary gratification that was sought after.
and when feelings are involved it's time to cut the string that had me pulled in whatever desired direction.
i thought it wouldnt hurt but it does.
mostly cos it was the first time i trusted another person enough to believe what they said and be my real self.
i was comfortable and at ease, guards down.
there was my most critical of errors.
so it's back to keeping people at an arms length distance away.
back to feeling the cold chill from this metallic, protective coating.
no more hurt.
no more believing people mean what they say and say what they mean and only do things because they mean it and not out of selfishness.
today though, im going to let myself hurt and cry a little.
then tomorrow it will be a little less until it's all gone.